Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

there is a lorry at the bottom of a hill ,at the top there is a massive empty barn, in the barn there is a puddle of water on the floor,up above there is a man swinging from the rafters,there is no ladder just an empty barn with a puddle of water and the man who has committed suicide''how did he get up there to do it''remember it is on a hill so he could not of drove up and just stood on lorry as it would just roll back down??

2007-01-23 22:25:57 · 15 answers · asked by emal 1

two mothers and two daughtersare seated at a restaurant
they each order a full chicken
three full chickens are served to the ladies and none of them complains

why is it so

2007-01-23 22:21:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when
there was an enormous commotion.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen
noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Glasgow Rangers
jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!
At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Glasgow
Celtic tops sped into view one of the men took aim at the shark and
fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other
two reached out and pulled the Rangers fan from the water and using
long clubs beat the shark to death.

They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along
with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to
the beach. On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the
rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions.
I heard that the people of Scotland were bigoted and trying to divide
the country in two but now I see this is a truly enlightened example
of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."
She knighted them and drove off. As She departed the harpoonist asked
the others, "Who was that?!" "That," one answered, "was the Queen. SHe
rules the Union and knows everything about our country."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, " She knows f**k all about shark fishing.

How's the bait holding up? Or do we need to get another one?"

2007-01-23 22:20:19 · 13 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

A policeman is walking through a park one day, he looks across the field and witnesses a murder, he casually looks away and carries on walking, he doesn't report what he saw nor does he tell anyone.....why??

2007-01-23 22:16:10 · 21 answers · asked by roblou 2

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.

Most creative wins 10 points!

2007-01-23 22:13:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-23 22:05:57 · 17 answers · asked by Richbitch 3

so the farmer wants to cross the river in a raft but doesnt want to leave the fox and chicken coz the fox will eat the chicken, but he also doesnt want to leave the chicken with bag of corn coz the chicken will eat the corn. the fox will run away if left on its own so what does the farmer do to get them over safely.

2007-01-23 22:04:02 · 12 answers · asked by Richbitch 3

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the Breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a Sign attached that said, "This bull mated 52 times last year." The wife Playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 52 times last year? ....once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 125 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than Twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third Pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This Bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly Broke her husband's ribs, said, that's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY Learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said,

"Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

2007-01-23 22:02:12 · 9 answers · asked by Eye of the Beholder 4

What would you get if you crossed a badger with a red smurf?!
My friends are weird and want to know...

2007-01-23 21:30:07 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Washcloth.............. Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed There isn't a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't hav e any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't
going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, aven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal ... Some shopping, cleaning , cooking.

After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."


NEVER EVER GOING BACK TO THAT DOCTOR EVER

2007-01-23 21:28:02 · 21 answers · asked by ztt_66 2

why is it that when you see one shoe or trainer there is never another one so does that mean the person limped home without realising they had lost the other one

2007-01-23 21:20:20 · 13 answers · asked by emal 1

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the a** are interchangeable!"

2007-01-23 20:59:59 · 6 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

There was a mother who had 3 children, 2 girls and a boy. Everyday the children would sneak in to the kitchen and take some cookies before dinner. One day the mother got an Idea, instead of using chocolate, she put in toy gun bullets in her recipe.

Two days later the oldest daughter came and said, "MOM, MOM; something terrible happened, when I was crapping a miniature bullet came out!" so the mother explained.

A few hours later the second daughter came and said, "MOM,MO; something terrible happened, I peed and I saw a tiny bullet!" so the mother explained again.

The next day the youngest boy came and said, "MOM,MOM something terrible happened," and the mother interrupted, "what you crapped and you saw a bb-gun bullet?"

The son answered, "No, when I was jacking off, I shot the dog!!!"

2007-01-23 20:58:24 · 36 answers · asked by Oh! Crud 3

A fellow prostitute goes to the hospital to visit her girlfriend who is about to have a heart transplant (donated by a man) . She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor...

Prostitute: "I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the man's organ?"

Surgeon:"Well, she's 36 years old and quite healthy. How long has she been in the business?

Prostitute: "She's been working since she was 19 years old, but what the hell does that have to do with anything?"

Surgeon: "Well, she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet! Has she?!!"

2007-01-23 20:37:45 · 8 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink...Looking around he sees three men sitting at a corner table..
He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face and says: I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman...
The biker looks at him and doesnt say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat...
The drunk leans on the table again and says:" I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
the bikers buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says nothing....
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says:" I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it"
At this point the biker stands up, and takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says.......................

Grandpa,.......Go home, you're drunk."

2007-01-23 20:25:00 · 17 answers · asked by The Emperor of Ecstasy 5

not only buy lots of things.

2007-01-23 20:23:03 · 13 answers · asked by Aram 1

A married couple both eighty years old go to the doctors for their annual exam. They were put in separate exam rooms.

The doctor enters the room where the husband is waiting and does an exam on him and proclaims "You are extremely healthy for your age, are there any concerns?" Yes says the gentleman, "When I have relations with my wife I sometimes get so hot that I must turn the air conditioner on. Then I get so cold I turn our heat up real high."

Puzzled, the doctor says that he does not have an answer for him and moves on to the exam room that the wife is waiting in. After performing a full exam on her he finds her as healthy as her husband.

The doctor is totally perplexed by what the husband has told him. The doctor asks the wife if she has any ideas why he feels so hot one time and very cold the next time that they have relations.

The wife proclaims to the doctor "Oh, that old fool, it is because we only have relations once in the winter, and once in the summer."

2007-01-23 20:21:14 · 10 answers · asked by *♥short~sh!t♥* 3

BAD, WORSE.....
BAD: You can't find your vibrxtor WORSE: Your daughter borrowed it

BAD: You find a pxrn movie in your son's room WORSE: Your in it

BAD: Your husband's a cross-dresser WORSE: He looks better than you

BAD: You're arrested for flashing WORSE: The victim decides it's not worth pressing charges

BAD: Your wife wants a divorce WORSE: She's a lawyer

2007-01-23 20:02:16 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A minister was completing aTemperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."


With even greate r emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."


And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,I'd take it and pour it into the river."



Sermon complete, he sat down.



The song leader stood very cautiously and announced

with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,

let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

2007-01-23 19:53:56 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman slips nxked in her bathroom does the splits & ends up
suctioned to the floor by her fxnny.
Her husband tries but can't budge her so he calls his mate who says: I'll go get a hammer, we can break the tiles and lift her."
The husband says OK
I'll lick her ear & play with her txts while your gone." Why says his mate.
The husband replies:
if i can get her wet maybe we can slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are fxcking cheaper.:

2007-01-23 19:53:10 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

hey tell me,hey you

2007-01-23 19:23:00 · 20 answers · asked by jacob 1

2007-01-23 19:22:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can anyone tell me what r those two things?

2007-01-23 19:17:03 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET,KICKING ROCKS WITH MY FEET,I WAS FEELING IN A GOOD MOOD,EVERYTHING WAS GOOD IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD,ALL OF THE SUDDEN I HEARD A BANG,ALL I COULD SAY WAS DANG,IT WAS A SECURITY MAN WITH HIS FLASH LIGHT,I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO SUCKER PUNCH SOMEONE IN A FIGHT,HE WAS SO BUSY THINKING I STOLD SOMETHING,I WAS NOT DOING ANYTHING,WELL HE HAD CRASHED A PARKED CAR,I SAID TO MYSELF "AM I WITH DRUNKS IN A BAR",I LOOKED AT HIM WITH MY EYE ROLLING,SO I KEPT ON STROLLING,I LOOKED UP VERY FAR,I KEPT TRYING TO LOOK FOR A STAR,I AM LOOKING FORWARD,TO THE TIME WHEN PEACE WILL BE IN THE WORLD,I HATE WHEN I HAVE TO PULL TO THE SIDE,SO THE POLICE COULD SEE WHAT THEY COULD FIND,I NEVER GET AN APOLOGY,OR PRAISE FOR MY HONESTY,ALL I COULD DO IS STAY HUMBLE,I HAVE TO TRY NOT TO STUMBLE,PEOPLE ARE GOING TO KEEP KILLING EACHOTHER,I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MY BROTHER,THERE IS NO JUSTICE,I COULD STILL PRACTICE,TO LOVE OTHER PEOPLE,SO THAT I DON'T FEEL LIKE I'M IN A JUNGLE.

2007-01-23 19:10:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok. imagine you are going through the drive-in and ou order a lot of food. you pull up to the window, moon the kid with the headphones that is standing there and drive off...Try it. see what happens and then tell me about it.

2007-01-23 19:07:57 · 12 answers · asked by B. B 1

Pretty or not?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NxHyATlPXc

10/10 for me

2007-01-23 19:02:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm in 10th grade and I steal other classmates work out of the turn-in box, copy it and then throw it away. The kid whos paper I steal gets mad at the teacher and blames her for losing it.

2007-01-23 18:57:20 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

what will you do if suddenly all people in the world were disappeared except u. after a long walk for miles u see a young girl, she joins with u, after a year in you see a young guy looks better than you in all ways, and that girl seems very happy than before and that both were always talking within them and she is not talking with you like before. what will you do now?

GIRLS USE "guy instead of girl" and "girl instead of guy"

2007-01-23 18:52:00 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

There a room, completely white. There are no doors, and no windows. The only way into the room is through a ventilation shaft. Inside the room there is a dead body and a puddle of water. There is no sign of damage on the persons body to show that he slipped or fell. How did he die?

2007-01-23 18:42:01 · 11 answers · asked by carnageheart16 1

2007-01-23 18:19:47 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous