Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A. Noah, he floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

2007-01-24 03:53:14 · 14 answers · asked by Pancake 7

Come up with a comical story
poem
or oneliner

KEEP IT CLEAN

2007-01-24 03:46:15 · 7 answers · asked by nmd_elkie 3

Little Girl: First God created Adam. Then he looked at him and said: "I think I could do better if I tried again." So, He created Eve.

2007-01-24 03:38:46 · 22 answers · asked by Pancake 7

2007-01-24 03:34:41 · 10 answers · asked by Pancake 7

2007-01-24 03:32:49 · 28 answers · asked by ginner100 1

back, he THINKS he's a lover.

2007-01-24 03:31:19 · 20 answers · asked by Pancake 7

In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.

2007-01-24 03:21:48 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:


1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
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>2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!”
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>3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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>4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
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>5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
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>6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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>7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've >seen Ahmal."
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>8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
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>9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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>And finally:
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>10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

2007-01-24 03:18:40 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer had a rooster that would scr*w anything. One day he caught the rooster scr*wing a pig. The farmer said "rooster if you don't stop, someday you'll scr*w yourself to death.

The next day he caught the rooster scr*wing the ducks. The farmer said "rooster if you don't stop, someday you'll scr*w yourself to death.

The next day he caught the rooster scr*wing the sheep. The farmer said, "I think I've had about enough. You're going to have to leave the farm. Now pack your bags and get out of here. And remember, if you don't stop, some day you'll scr*w yourself to death.

Several months went by and one day the farmer saw the rooster laying in the middle of a dirt road, dead as a door nail. The farmer walked up and solemnly said, "I told you. Someday you'll scr*w yourself to death."

The rooster opened one eye and put a finger to his beak and said, "SSSHHHHH! Buzzards!"

2007-01-24 03:12:12 · 9 answers · asked by yagman 7

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in California. Bert always

wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he

buys them and wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the

house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"



Margaret looks him over, "Nope".



Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks

back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he

asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"



Margaret looks up and says, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging

down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down

again tomorrow."



Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"



"Nope", she replies.



"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"


Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat Bert . Ya Shoulda bought a hat."

2007-01-24 03:04:56 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-24 02:58:39 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's a good comeback?

2007-01-24 02:55:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Worried, she goes to the shop & buys a pregnancy kit. The test shows the girl is pregnant. Cursing & crying, the mum says "Who did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone & makes a call. 1/2 hour later, a Ferrari stops at their house & a mature, distinguished man with gray hair & impeccably dressed in an expensive suit, steps out of the car & enters the house. He sits in the living room with the three of them and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her due to my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a villa & a £1m bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be 2 factories & a £1m bank account. For twins, I will leave a factory & £500k each. However, if there is a miscarriage..."

At this point, the dad, who had remained silent all this time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder & says "You'll sleep with her again!!!"

2007-01-24 02:54:33 · 14 answers · asked by Jay A 3

told a blonde joke and the person you've told it to takes about a minute to laugh?

it makes the joke funnier =D

i do know some very intelligent blondes though

A blond died her hair brown because she was tired of being picked on,
She was driving along the countryside when she got a bright idea and stopped at a nearby farm. she said to the farmer "If i can tell you how many sheep you have in total can I have one?"
"ok" said the farmer, so she quickly counted them and said 91. The farmer looked around astonished and said "alright take one"
As she was walking back to her car the farmer said "If i can guess your natural hair colour can i have my dog back?"

2007-01-24 02:49:50 · 28 answers · asked by leannexfairy 3

2007-01-24 02:38:04 · 17 answers · asked by bmxchic 1

Bob and Joe are joking around in the top floor of their apartment building and they decide to moon the people on the streets through the window. Bob looks over at Joe and can't help but notice that Joe has a cork stuck up his ars*. Later on that day, Bob casually brings up the subject and asks Joe how he got the cork stuck up his ars*.
"Well," said Joe, "I'll tell you the whole story."
"One day I was walking along the beach when I tripped over an enchanted lamp. A genie popped out of the lamp and said 'My name is Abdullah, I will grant you three wishes.' and I said 'No sh1t!"...

2007-01-24 02:26:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car -- both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

2007-01-24 02:10:14 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please don't take offense to this joke, it has no malicious intent!!

Blokes been drinking at a bar for hours, the barman turns to him and says that he has had too much and should go home.

The bloke creates a big fuss and gets one more drink.

After the last drink he attempts to get off the bar stool, and falls to the floor...... he hauls him self up and moves forward about a meter and falls to the floor again!!!

Luckly the bloke only lives 200m from the pub, however hard the bloke tries ever meter he falls to the ground... hauls himself up.... falls down....

Next morning the blokes wife brings him a cup of tea in bed and exclaims "you cirtainly had a few last night!!"

The bloke protests "No No, I only had a couple"

"Rubish!" Says the wife, "I know you had far to much last night because Larry the barman called.... says you've left your wheel-chair in the bar!!!"

2007-01-24 02:05:45 · 8 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

fishing in South Africa taking it easy when a crocodile
swims past with a bloke's head in it's mouth.
One Scouser says to the other "Fu*kin' 'ell Terry look at that bloke"
To which Terry replies "I know Barry, the flash bas*ard's got a Lacoste sleeping bag!!"

2007-01-24 02:03:17 · 1 answers · asked by Jay A 3

I do :]

i'm not a natural blonde. i just have a few streaks in it but sometimes i think they've gone to my brain

heres a couple:

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.
"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -
'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"

------------------------

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday??

A: Tell them a joke on Wednesday!!

2007-01-24 02:02:27 · 21 answers · asked by leannexfairy 3

LOL hope u enjoy this one guys. Right answer will be great but gimmie some funnies!!
xx

2007-01-24 02:01:41 · 11 answers · asked by Stars 1

any idea how to get it down? the tree is tall and I cant climb it. I dont want to chop it down either as thats a bit like using the proverbial sledgehammer to crack a nut.
I dont have a flamethrower either.

Ideas?

2007-01-24 01:40:48 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theatre. Not even a pet rooster."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theatre.
He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"
Boom boom!

2007-01-24 01:29:20 · 12 answers · asked by Jay A 3

a town has two barbers

one has a messy look with hari badly shaved
the other is neat and clean with neat shave
whom will a smarty go

2007-01-24 01:25:19 · 8 answers · asked by Radhika 1

What phrase is shown in the figure below?

S-n-o-w

2007-01-24 01:17:10 · 15 answers · asked by Lilel 4

2007-01-24 01:14:34 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?

2007-01-24 01:10:52 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

George and his dad were out fishing one day when George pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches he asked his dad for a light.


"Sure," said his dad. "I think I have a lighter." Then, reaching into his tackle box he pulled out a Bic lighter 10-inches long.


"Jimminy Cricket!" exclaimed George, taking the huge Big lighter in his hands. "Where did you get that monster?" he asked.


"Well," replied his dad, "I got it from my Genie."


"You have a Genie in your tackel box?" asked George.


"Yep, it's right here in my tackle box," said his dad.


"Could I see him?" asked George.


So his dad opened his tackle box and, sure enough, out pops the Genie.


Addressing the Genie, George says, "I'm the son of your master, will you grant me one wish?"


"Yes, I will," says the Genie.


So George asks for a million bucks.


The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving George sitting there, waiting for his million bucks.


Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead.


Over the roar of the million ducks George yells to his dad, "Jumpin' Jimminy! I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"


"I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing," yells back George's dad. "You don't think I really asked for a 10-inch Bic, do you?"

2007-01-24 00:56:27 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher stands in front of the classroom & says to her pupils "if you think you're stupid ,stand up." after a few seconds,one boy gets on his feet and stands..the teacher asks him,"so you think you're stupid ?"and the boy replies "no,it's just that i felt pity for you standing alone"

2007-01-24 00:54:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

if olive oil is made by squeezing olives,how the hell is baby oil made???

2007-01-24 00:52:28 · 9 answers · asked by Meghana Singh 2