Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

-Paris Hilton: "Life's a big party."

-Donald Trump: "Life's a rich, and then you die."

-Osama bin Laden: "Life's a ticking time bomb."

-Rosie O'Donnell: "Life's is never-ending conversation; I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on!"

If you got any good stuff, post it!

2007-01-25 03:17:33 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where
their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a
brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but
it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to
pay for the brain yourselves.."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked , "Well, how much
does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and
$200 for a female brain"
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the
question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much
more ?
The doctor laughed and said"Cause women's are used"

2007-01-25 03:17:15 · 5 answers · asked by Britney 2

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy...

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

2007-01-25 03:12:49 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Subject: Pxnis Tax
To: All Male Taxpayers
From: IRS
Re: Notice of Increase in Tax Payment Form 1040P


The only thing ther IRS has not yet taxed is your pxnis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pxssed off, 30% of the time is is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of this, it has two dependants and both are nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 2007 your pxnis will be taxed according to it’s size. To determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.

12-10 inches - Luxury Tax - $50.50

10-8 inches - Pole Tax - $30.00

8-6 inches - Privilege Tax - $15.00

6-4 inches - Nuisance Tax - $5.00

2007-01-25 03:08:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What am I?

2007-01-25 03:06:57 · 13 answers · asked by Margaret B 2

A woman's three biggest lies...

1-You're the Biggest.
2-You're the Best.
3-It doesn't always taste like that.

2007-01-25 02:58:27 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman, in the course of her college life, came to terms with her hxmxsxxuality and decided to come out of the closet.

Her plan was to tell her mother first; so on her next home visit, she went to the kitchen, where her mother was busying herself stirring stew with a wooden spoon.

Rather nervously, she explained to her that she had realized she was gxy.

Without looking up from her stew, her mother said, "You mean, lxsbian?"

"Well... yes."

Still without looking up: "Does that mean lxck women down below?"

Caught off guard, the young woman eventually managed to stammer an embarrassed affirmative.

With that, her mother turned to her and, brandishing the wooden spoon threateningly under her nose, snapped:
"Don't you EVER complain about my cooking again!!"

2007-01-25 02:57:09 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

And go to this link and tell me if it made you laugh. The one who tells me why it made you laugh in a great way, you get 10 points!

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/276030/giraffe_in_quicksand_robot_chicken/

2007-01-25 02:55:01 · 4 answers · asked by sherijgriggs 6

Did you hear about the man who died when he jumped down a drain?
The coroner recorded a verdict of
sewer-cide.

did you hear about the blonde who went to las vegas?
she lost all her money in the parking meters.

Hear about the bloke who got hit by two drums and a cymbal
he's in hospital with a bad case of
percussion


A woman told her friend i was in the cemetery the other day
and i saw four gravediggers who spent hours walking round the place carrying a coffin?
her friend ask's "what were thy doing that for"
the woman says: "ITHINK THEY'D LOST THE PLOT"

2007-01-25 02:49:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

2007-01-25 02:49:27 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

These 3 dudes were caputered by Indians one day, and the Chief said if you can tell us to do something and we can't do it, we'll set you free. If we can, we burn you alive. The first guy said "Run to the top of that mountain and back before sunset." An Indian did it, so they burned him alive. 2nd dude said "Swim across that river and back without drowning." An Indian could do THAT, so they burned HIM alive. 3rd dude said he'd need a can of beans. So they gave him some beans and he ate them. After a bit, he farted and said "Catch that and paint it red."

2007-01-25 02:46:33 · 9 answers · asked by HK 3

At the exact same time, there are two 35 year old men on opposite sides of the earth:
One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.
The other is getting "oral pleasure" from an 85 year old woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing .

What are they both thinking?

2007-01-25 02:43:06 · 13 answers · asked by Captain Boog 2

2007-01-25 02:39:21 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Another one of those 420 moments

2007-01-25 02:37:07 · 14 answers · asked by StarBourne 2

heres two of 'em <===3 theyre really hard

if sally is wearing a lavender shirt, and peter is wearing tan pants, what color garment is george wearing? hint - 1 = a 3 = c

why is it that when ppl say "the first one to answer this question gets ten points" there are like 20 ppl that answer the question? (besides the two points they get automatically for answering)

BEST ANSWER GETS 12 POINTS!!!!!!!

2007-01-25 02:35:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the gurb, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

2007-01-25 02:34:09 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-25 02:32:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

2007-01-25 02:30:03 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

So I asked them whats 12 take away 6........ they started shouting at me, do u think i phoned the wrong shop ???

2007-01-25 02:20:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just a thought while having my 420

2007-01-25 02:16:11 · 5 answers · asked by StarBourne 2

2007-01-25 02:15:27 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

2007-01-25 02:09:01 · 22 answers · asked by lovedly 1

2007-01-25 02:00:50 · 11 answers · asked by Lynda G 1

2007-01-25 01:54:31 · 7 answers · asked by bizeyman 2

Once spent it recharges itself
it is accepted worldwide
You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

2007-01-25 01:52:00 · 12 answers · asked by Duisend-poot 7

2007-01-25 01:49:55 · 7 answers · asked by bizeyman 2

two indians walkin down a road, the little indian is the big indians son but the big indian isnt the little indians father...how?

2007-01-25 01:49:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

..........why is the world celebrating 15th February?

Please tell.

2007-01-25 01:44:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Aman in a train was carrying 3 babies
A woman asked him if they were his
He replied " No, i work in a Condom factory, these are complaints".

2007-01-25 01:37:56 · 14 answers · asked by Duisend-poot 7

anythig funny... best joke gets best ansewer.....yo mama, an sexist jokes are preferred!!

2007-01-25 01:33:36 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous