Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

True story.
Some buddies and I were eating at Panda Express, and one dude cracks open his cookie. The fortune said, "With patience, you will be together with him again in the near future". I laughed so hard,I choked on chow mein. My friend was mad as hell, though. Anyone else ever get any retarded fortunes?

2007-01-04 20:11:55 · 7 answers · asked by Space Cadet 3

Two gay guys were sitting in a bar when a woman walked in.
"Look at her," said one, "isn't she beautiful?"
"I suppose," said the other.
"No, I mean really, look at her, she's like the epitome of feminine beauty. She has long graceful legs, shapely hips, petite waist and perfect breasts. And look at her auburn hair, and green eyes, and skin like ivory."
"Okay, okay, what's your point?" said the other, a little annoyed.
Said the first, "I'm f**king her husband!"

2007-01-04 19:59:42 · 10 answers · asked by rb 1

You're needing to be back at atlanta airport at 7:30PM, and the weather is bad so you are having trouble flying it bact to the airport, meaning the passengers are going to have to wait a couple hours. One thing, what is the name of the pilot?

2007-01-04 19:54:52 · 19 answers · asked by It's MIRANDA!!!! 4

1. I'm going ice fishing!
A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.
When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said: "There are no fish in there".
So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.
So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.
"How do you know there are no fish there?" asks the blonde.
So the man cooly says "Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes."
2. A man went to apply for a job.After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "WE HAVE AN OPENING FOR people LIKE YOU." "OH, GREAT," HE SAID, "WHAT IS IT?" "It's called the door!"

2007-01-04 19:54:11 · 18 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

Joe was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything she needs and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a gift certificate saying she can have an hour of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled.".
Joe thought it was a good idea, and decided to take his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?" "Yes, I did." Joe replied.
"Did she like it?"
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"

2007-01-04 19:52:11 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Idle thoughts of a retiree's mind wandering...Or is it "Wandering Mind"?


...I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

...I had amnesia once -- or twice.

...I went to San Francisco; I found someone's heart. Now what?

...Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

...All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

...If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

...What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

...They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

...Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

...Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

...One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

..My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

...I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

...The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

...How can there be self-help "groups"?

...If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

...Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

...Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

2007-01-04 19:50:15 · 4 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2007-01-04 19:45:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 19:43:55 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two bulls were out in the pasture when a livestock truck pulled up.
"What's this?" asked the younger bull.
"You haven't heard?" said the older bull, "The farmer says we're not doing our job, that we're not taking care of our cows. So he's bringing in another bull."
"That's bullshit," said the young bull, "I take fine care of my cows. I'm not putting up with some new bull coming in."
"You're right," said the older bull, "neither am I." Just then the ramp on the truck slammed down, and out came the new bull. His horns were six feet wide, his eyes were bright red and steam was spewing from his nostrils.
"Come to think of it, I don't really mind sharing a few of my cows," said the older bull. But the young bull just pawed the ground and snorted. "Hey, Junior, take my advice and give him some of your cows, it'll be a lot easier," said the older bull.
"Oh, he can have as many of my cows as he wants," said the young bull, "I just want to make sure he knows I'm a bull."

2007-01-04 19:32:13 · 6 answers · asked by rb 1

if you're not mad at me press Alt + F4.

2007-01-04 19:22:03 · 4 answers · asked by ? 1

I used to hate it when aunts and grandmas, used to come up to me at weddings and pinch my cheeks and say "Your next" "Your next". Well they stopped doin that crap when i started to do it to them at funerals.

2007-01-04 19:15:18 · 11 answers · asked by ? 1

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

2007-01-04 19:05:05 · 13 answers · asked by mr_BIG 3

See if you can do this. Read each line aloud without making any mistakes. If you make a mistake you MUST start over or it won't work.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top...

2007-01-04 19:04:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 18:55:49 · 8 answers · asked by Commander 3

.A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"


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2007-01-04 18:55:21 · 4 answers · asked by rachel03100 2

Any good riddles, guys? Notice the key word: Riddles, not jokes.

Whoever stumps me can get the ten points, but please don't go on Google or anything and type in "Hardest riddle on earth" or anything like that... (Or else I'll search "Answer to Hardest riddle on Earth"... XD) Just kidding, but I really would like a challenge!

2007-01-04 18:44:48 · 22 answers · asked by FAswimmerST 4

came over and asked if there a problem. Ms. Black told her side of the story and the frog told his, insisting that, to him, the dagger was nothing more than a conversation piece, something to keep on the coffee table for guests to look at. Finally, after hearing both sides, the president turned to the loan officer and said, "For heaven's sake, it's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan."

2007-01-04 18:39:58 · 3 answers · asked by rb 1

A frog wants to remodel his pond, so he goes to the bank and talks to the "Home Improvement Loan" officer, Ms. Patty Black. She tells him the bank does, indeed, make loans of this type, and they schedule a time for her to review the property. "Oh, this is very nice," she says as she looks the pond over, "I'm sure we'll be able to help you." Suddenly her tone changes as she spots something shiny in the water, and reaches down and pulls out a jewel-encrusted medieval dagger. "What's this?" she demands. "Oh, that's just something someone dropped in the pond," the frog replied. "I don't think so," said the loan officer; "it's a weapon, and our bank does not make loans to those who keep weapons in their homes - Good day!" And with that, she left.
The frog, intent upon renovating his property, followed her all the way to the bank, pleading his case as they went. As they passed through the lobby, they got the attention of the bank president, who (see "anybody heard this one?" part 2)

2007-01-04 18:31:21 · 4 answers · asked by rb 1

2007-01-04 18:27:42 · 26 answers · asked by wykirs 1

A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over.
He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!"
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!"

2007-01-04 18:19:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

DEheBT

(find the phrase or expression that it rep.)

2007-01-04 18:19:25 · 12 answers · asked by shinji_hitori 1

cake
cake
cake

(find the phrase or expression that it rep. )

2007-01-04 18:17:17 · 12 answers · asked by shinji_hitori 1

2007-01-04 18:10:46 · 19 answers · asked by Wat Da Hell 5

are seatbelts for monkeys too?

2007-01-04 18:08:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous.
A night of tall tales begins, and the first cowboy says, "I reckon I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground with my bare hands."
The second cowboy can't stand to be bested. "Why that's nothing. Just yesterday I was walking down the trail and a 15-foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed the snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

2007-01-04 18:07:33 · 8 answers · asked by ninhaquelo 3

Ok so it's not really a question just something for laughs say this out loud to yourself ..........................................................................
I am we Todd did
I am we Todd did
I am sofa king we Todd did
Do you get it? I really hope so unless you are we Todd did :)

2007-01-04 18:01:52 · 9 answers · asked by Melissa 2

Ok there were 5 presidents in an airplane
Washington Lincoln, Kennedy, Clinton, and Bush

All of a sudden Washington said taking a dollar out of his wallet “I will make one lucky person happy by throwing this one dollar bill out of the plane"
He waves the dollar and throws outside.

Lincoln became jealous and said “You know what, I will make 5 people happy"
Lincoln throws 5 dollar of 1 dollar out of the airplane

Now Kennedy wants to take the lead he said gaily “I will make 20 people happy!!!”
He throws 20 dollar of 1 dollar bills out of the airplane

Clinton wants to be the superior he said with pride “Ha, You know what??? I will make the whole world happy!!!!!"
He throws Bush out of the airplane =)

2007-01-04 17:54:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 17:42:31 · 10 answers · asked by vi 1

?????????????////

2007-01-04 17:41:22 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

all my life i have heard this joke start but never heard the punch line. i have heard in a boat on a plane and other versions but never the bar one.

2007-01-04 17:22:22 · 8 answers · asked by karl k 6