Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

I AM
> 8
> INCHES
> LONG.
> MY FUNCTIONING IS
> ENJOYED
> BY
> MEMBERS
> OF
> BOTH
> SEXES.
> I AM
> USUALLY FOUND HUNG,
> DANGLING
> LOOSLEY
> READY FOR
> INSTANT
> ACTION.
> I BOAST A CLUMP OF
> LITTLE
> HAIRY
> THINGS
> AT
> ONE
> END
> AND
> A SMALL
> HOLE AT THE OTHER.
> IN USE
> I AM
> INSERTED,
> ALMOST
> ALWAYS
> WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY,
> SOMETIMES
> QUICKLY,
> INTO
> A
> WARM,
> FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE
> I AM
> THRUST
> IN
> AND
> DRAWN
> OUT
> AGAIN
> AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN
> SUCCESSION,
> OFTEN
> QUICKLY
> AND
> ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS.
> ANYONE
> FOUND
> LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY
> RECOGNIZE
> THE
> RHYTHMIC,
> PULSING
> SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE
> WELL
> LUBRICATED
> MOVEMENTS.
> WHEN
> FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES
> BEHIND
> A
> JUICY,
> FROTHY,
> WHITE
> STICKY
> SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL
> NEED
> CLEANING FROM
> THE
> OUTER
> SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND
> SOME
> FROM
> MY
> LONG
> GLISTENING
> SHAFT.
> AFTER EVERYTHING IS
> DONE
> AND
> THE
> FLOWING
> AND
> CLEANSING
> LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED
> EMANATING,
> I AM
> RETURNED
> TO
> MY
> FREELY
> HANGING STATE OF REST,
> READY
> FOR YET
> ANOTHER
> BIT
> OF
> ACTION,
> HOPEFULLY REACHING MY
> BRISTLING
> CLIMAX
> TWICE
> OR
> THREE
> TIMES A
> DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS.
> WHAT AM I???????

2007-01-04 22:18:18 · 11 answers · asked by TONY 4

all burnettes, but two." How many children did he have?

2007-01-04 22:11:20 · 13 answers · asked by J-Bug 2

If there is 2 ducks behind a duck, 2 ducks in front of a duck and one in the middle how many are there?


Scroll down for answer













































3!

2007-01-04 22:10:25 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a hole you can't get through
Like Pandora's Box I'm not good for you
I'm here to cause you lots of pain
But with proper care I may not be here by the next day
You get me when you work and play
And without me you do wish to stay

2007-01-04 22:03:55 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

remember that his whole name is Don Rowe and he wants to rearrange the letters in his name into one word.

2007-01-04 21:56:14 · 5 answers · asked by J-Bug 2

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself.

2007-01-04 21:48:49 · 7 answers · asked by Lady 3

They say the man is a hardened criminal.

2007-01-04 21:43:34 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rude-olf..

2007-01-04 21:36:29 · 3 answers · asked by yellowsofthead 1

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, �intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

2007-01-04 21:20:54 · 8 answers · asked by missannazhoo 2

One night a gorilla walks into a pub...goes up to the bar where there is a new very young barman and asks for a pint of beer. the young chap is astounded at the sight of his customer and says
"Excuse me just a minute". He goes inside the room at the back of the bar and says "Dad. Dad there is a gorilla out there asking for a pint of beer". His father says "Thats Ok son give him one".The young lad then says "Yes thats Ok but how much do I charge him?" The father replies "It doesnt matter does it. He is a gorilla and wont know the difference" so the young guy goes back to the bar and draws a pint of beer for the gorilla and the gorilla goes and sits down and drinks it slowly. After drinking it he goes back to the bar and asks "How much?" the young guy replies "£10" the gorilla pays up quietly and doesnt say a thing and ambles out towards the exit. The boy then calls out to the gorilla.."Hey....Gorilla....I have never seen a gorilla in here before" the gorilla slowly turns

2007-01-04 21:17:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

two in one grave
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said...
'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

2007-01-04 21:15:53 · 8 answers · asked by David 6

a man has 2 pik from th punishments after deth in hell
the devil shows him 3 rooms with punishment in it
1st room is burnin in a neva ending hole
and th man says no
2nd room has murderers in it with guns and nives
th man says no
th 3rd room had a sexy blonde woman in there having sex with a man on a table
th man says yes 2 th 3rd room
Satan walks up 2 th girl and says:

























































You May Go Now!!!!

2007-01-04 21:15:00 · 5 answers · asked by Proffesor??? No Way!!! 1

A man's body is found 250 feet below sea level, yet the cause
of his death is not drowning. How and where did this man die?

2007-01-04 21:13:06 · 6 answers · asked by ♫ Nightingale 3

to be his wife.
the redhead is a doctor, very pretty and sexy
the brunette is a banker, very pretty and sexy
the blond is an actress, very pretty and sexy
Which one does he pick?
Hint - he's a man.









Since he feels the same about all of them.
He picks the one with the biggest boobs, of course.

2007-01-04 21:07:26 · 3 answers · asked by homo.jesus 2

There was a class of children at school and whilst the teacher was giving lessons the children kept interupting her lectures by waving their hands around when they wanted to go to the toilet.The teacher got fed up with this and told the children that she did not want them to do this as it distracted the class and if they wanted to go to the toilet they were to whistle. One night one of the little boys from the class got out of bed and went to his parents room where his mother was fast asleep and his father reading a book. the little boy said to his father "Dad... I want to whistle!" the boys father puts down his book and tells his son "Son, look mummy is sleeping and if you whistle you will wake her up" but the boy insisted.."Dad I want to whistle!" the boy's father again repeated."Mummy is sleeping and you will wake her" again the little boy said "Dad...Ive got to whistle!" the boys father was impatient now and said "I told you you will wake your mother up. Not now" the

2007-01-04 21:07:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 20:58:15 · 5 answers · asked by navy 1

A teacher has all her students in the class and asks them to tell her what their daddy's do for a living...

She goes through the glass room and gets the expected answers 'fireman' 'policeman' etc. until she gets to little Timmy.

She asks Timmy 'and what does your daddy do?...'

Timmy replies 'My daddy dresses up in ladies clothing, and then sometimes he goes out onto the streets, and sometimes men pay him money to sleep with him'

The teacher qutie shocked by this reply sets the rest of the class to work and pulls little Timmy aside.

'Is that really what your daddy does Timmy?' she asked.

'No' he replied

'Then why did you say that then?' asked the teacher.

and little Timmy replied 'Well my dad actually plays for the england cricket team, I was just too embarrased to say'

2007-01-04 20:56:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a little boy who was very naughty but he always said his prayers at night. One evening he was really naughty by teasing the cat and the cat got really fed up with his teasing so she spat and hissed and scratched him. The boy was very offended and that nignt before he went to sleep said his prayers "Dear God,,,bless Mummy and Daddy and my dog but please kill the cat because she was nasty to me" the following morning the little boy went downstairs, sat down and had his breakfast and heard a shriek and his mother came in with a white face and said "The cat is dead on the doorstep". After some time the boy became obnoxious and teased his dog mercilessly and the dog snarled and bit him. that same night the little boy said his prayers and said "God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy but God...please kill the dog because he bit me". The next morning he went downstairs and had his breakfast and then went to the front door to go to school and he found the dog dead there. Some

2007-01-04 20:50:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 20:49:02 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

blonde getting a haircut
A blond was rollerblading with her headphones on. she stopped in the hair salon and asked for a hair cut. she instructed that the hair stylist could not take off the headphones.

the stylist replied "no" so the blond left. she went to a different hair salon and said the same thing. the stylist replied "ok".

after a while, the blond fell asleep in the chair. the stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot. confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones. they were saying, "breath in, breath out"

2007-01-04 20:47:02 · 7 answers · asked by David 6

PLEASE I NEED A BIRTHDAY LYRICS THAT I CAN READ TO MY 12 YEARS OLD SON ON HIS BIRTHDAY THIS SATURDAY. PLEASE HELP ME BECAUSE HE IS A NICE BOY.

2007-01-04 20:44:25 · 4 answers · asked by lovesondan 1

smart blonde
The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "what is 1 and 1?"
"Eleven," she replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but she's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

2007-01-04 20:44:14 · 6 answers · asked by David 6

32, 45, 13. 56, 37 and whats the next number in this series?

2007-01-04 20:42:24 · 11 answers · asked by foniboki 4

whats the differance between a pissed red robin and a pissed nancy well i will tell you, you will stand a hell of a better chance of shaging the pissed red robin

2007-01-04 20:42:07 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

broken finder
A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"

"Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?"

The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

2007-01-04 20:41:00 · 4 answers · asked by David 6

Ok
So theres this kid who lives in a world were the word spaghetti is illeagle.
The kids first day of school the teacher asks for everyones favorite food he says spaghett. The teacher sends him to the principle. The principle says why are you here, the kid says "the teacher asked for everyones favorite food and i sayed spaghetti" the princible is outraged and send him home. His parents asks why are you home so early the kid says "the teacher asked for everyones favorite food an i sayed spaghetti, then she sent me to the principle who sent me home." there parents a furious and him and take him to the presedent. The presedent asks why hes here the kid says " the teacher asked for everyones favorite food an i sayed spaghetti, then she sent me to the principle who sent me home, then my mom sent me here " the presedent is very mad at him and kicks him out of the country.

So now the kid is in italy and they are playing dodgeball and he runs to get the ball and gets hit by a car.

2007-01-04 20:37:37 · 7 answers · asked by The Con 5

2007-01-04 20:35:34 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 20:27:52 · 9 answers · asked by Jam One 1

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood
and said,"I want to be a movie star."Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian." The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get
into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old and I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You
will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we will not do business together," the guy said and he left the agent's office. Five years later, the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a cheque for $50,000. The agent is awestruck, who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed;
"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like
Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office and I thought about what
you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with
another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so
the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

2007-01-04 20:24:56 · 8 answers · asked by PvteFrazer 3

I'm looking for unique,not played out riddles....Some origional work.If you know of any good jokes or riddles,please post!

2007-01-04 20:13:02 · 4 answers · asked by chica 2