Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bit*ch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bit*ch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bit*ch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*ch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*ch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bit*ch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BIT*CH!!!"

2007-01-04 17:14:40 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

I found this horror a month ago, and I swear it got me screaming and laughing at the same time.
how nightmareic is this?

Rate from 1 to infinity...


(Note I censored this pic for content reasons.)

http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=viewImage&friendID=144844891&imageID=1676686313

2007-01-04 16:51:13 · 14 answers · asked by J-Dog 007 1

What is 2pacs mums name and is 2pacs mum dead or alive?

2007-01-04 16:36:44 · 8 answers · asked by kelly k 1

no joke gifts. need $20 gift idea for coworker but it needs to be something good for male or female.

2007-01-04 16:28:45 · 7 answers · asked by Tracy G 1

2007-01-04 16:26:18 · 19 answers · asked by Richard 7

$20 white elephant gift idea for coworker

2007-01-04 16:22:28 · 7 answers · asked by Tracy G 1

3 guys are hunting and check into a motel for the night. The clerk is away but the bellboy tells them a room is $60. Each guy gives 20 and they go to the room. When the clerk comes back he tells the bellboy the room was supposed to be $55 and tells him to take $5 back to them. On the way to the room he puts $2 in his pocket and gives the guys $3. So each guy paid $19 which is $57, the bell boy kept $2, totaling $59. What happened to the other $1?

2007-01-04 16:05:46 · 10 answers · asked by fryman89 2

that she was staring at the orange juice because it said CONCENTRATE

2007-01-04 16:03:40 · 12 answers · asked by ? 3

2007-01-04 16:03:25 · 7 answers · asked by missannazhoo 2

You Are Driving Your Car
As You Drive Down A Dark Road You See Something Run Across The Road
iT'S 6 Foot Long And Has Red Eyes
As It Runs Across The Road It Looks Up Making A Hissing Sound.

what was the creature that just run across the road ?

2007-01-04 16:03:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

But I have been reading a book about neds (the Scottish equivalent) and most of the material came from there, so I had better acknowledge the source in case I get sued:


'Nedworld: the complete guide to Ned life and living' - Kylie Pilrig and Keanu McGlinchy.


It's funny - I recommend it!

2007-01-04 16:02:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

is beautiful and makes the nicest cookies.

2007-01-04 15:58:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

You watch way too much wrestling when.......

(1)On your resume you write "I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be".

(2)You call a beer by your name.

(3)Instead of hugging relatives you give them bear hugs and mandible claws.

(4)You begin to shake someone's hand in public, but then hesistate to look for the crowd's response.

(5)You tell your significant other, "Not tonight, I'm watching RAW".

(6)Every time you sit down a table you consider how easily it might break if you were to moonsault it.

(7)You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.

(8)On a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown".

(9)After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.

(10)You clothesline people in the supermarket for no real reason.

(11)You do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.

(12)You don't understand why there are wars when a steel-cage/grudge match would settle everything.

2007-01-04 15:58:10 · 4 answers · asked by Fishi 3

small, cheap and greasy

2007-01-04 15:56:07 · 11 answers · asked by ? 3

The date is a complete waste of makeup.

You ask him the time and he tells you everything he knows.

You walk into the only Kentucky Fried Chicken bar in the Sahara - and he's there.

The fillings in his teeth have been replaced with chewed-up crisps.

He only travels in a pack.

At the end of the date he invites you back to his bus shelter.

He's only fourteen.

His head whistles in a cross-wind.

He says, ' Well, he was looking at me funny so I bit him!'

2007-01-04 15:51:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

After the birth of her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and children had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

2007-01-04 15:48:23 · 17 answers · asked by Tink 5

Or wait here in the sitting room?

2007-01-04 15:44:59 · 4 answers · asked by You Should Be Pied 2

There was a guy with his son on the car and next to the road there was this horse with it penis erected, the kid asked the father what was that and the fateher told him that the horse was sick. The next morning the kid goes in the car with his mother and when they cross before the horse, which it was in the same way the day before the kid said to his mother "Mom do yuo see that horse? Daddy said it looks like that because is sick." The mother seeing the horse said "Sick? Your father wishes to have half of the healthyness that horse has."

2007-01-04 15:36:22 · 10 answers · asked by Javy 7

and it crashes on the border between the two countries. Where do you bury the survivors?

Yes, it's an obvious riddle but some people tend to slip. xP So shhh.

2007-01-04 15:36:08 · 11 answers · asked by culture_killer 3

His wife comes out and starts haranguing him about cutting the overgrown grass.

'No can do,' he replies smugly. 'What would the neighbours think if they saw me charging about the garden stark naked?'

'Well,' she replied. 'they'd lnow for sure I only married you for the disability car and the attendance allowance.'

2007-01-04 15:33:06 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Exact quote from my older, 16 year old brother who can't stand me not asking:

"If 2x2=22
And 3x3-33
Then what is 4x4?"

Bare with me people.

2007-01-04 15:32:04 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

well poli means many

and a tick is a blood sucking insect

so politics are full of bugs and misquetos

and they want your blood

2007-01-04 15:31:50 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

the females ostriches couldn't see any place they could hide.
-"Oh no! What do we do?"
-"How about if we stick our heads in the sand? Let's hide."
-"Ok but hurry, they're getting close"
They stuck their heads in the sand, and the two young hot-blooded males came upon them.
One turns to the other and says "Where the f*ck did they go?!?!?!"

2007-01-04 15:27:00 · 7 answers · asked by ? 3

A Clydesdale being ridden by a chav.

2007-01-04 15:20:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

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2007-01-04 15:17:55 · 8 answers · asked by me love kitty 2

U and 3 of your friends die and go to heaven. The only rule is not to step on the fluffy pink bunnies!

So one day 1 of your friends is makin out with a really ugly guy. You ask her y and she says, 'I stepped on a fluffy pink bunny'

A few days later your other friend is makin out with a really ugly guy. u ask her y and she say, 'i stepped on a fluffy pink bunny'

A few days later your friends see you makin out with a really hot guy and they asked you 'WOW! how did you get a really hot guy?' and the guy says, 'I stepped on a fluffy pink bunny.'

2007-01-04 15:16:56 · 12 answers · asked by ? 1

What a woman says:
“This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear.
if we don't do laundry right now!”

What a man hears:
“blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW”

2007-01-04 15:16:45 · 7 answers · asked by dooglepuff 3

A five pound note

2007-01-04 15:13:39 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex
standing in the foyer of
the church staring up at a large plaque. It was
covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque
for some time, so The
pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and
said quietly, "Good morning
Alex." "Good morning Pastor," he replied, still
focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor. The
pastor said,"Well, son,
it's a memorial to all the young men and women who
died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the
large plaque. Finally,
little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling
with fear, asked, "Which
service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

2007-01-04 15:09:13 · 12 answers · asked by ? 1

How do u answer this question?

2007-01-04 15:08:41 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous