Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table.
He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast.
'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says th

2007-01-04 13:31:10 · 13 answers · asked by Helen 4

Count the "F's" in the following text:




FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE
EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...


(see below)


Scroll down only after you have counted them, okay?







How many did you count? 3?
Wrong, there are 6! Read it again. The brain cannot process "OF" - incredible or what? Supposedly anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. Three is normal, four is quite rare.

2007-01-04 13:30:48 · 29 answers · asked by Tink 5

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

2007-01-04 13:19:34 · 22 answers · asked by Helen 4

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He
lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and
the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to
the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of
the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his
situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from
home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license
number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out
of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the
airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain
his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see
out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who
had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The
businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a
ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And
how much for you to give me a blo* job on the way?" "What?! Get the
hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his
old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for
a ride to the airport?" The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The
businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly
past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and
thumbs up sign to each driver.

2007-01-04 13:19:29 · 9 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

im small and furry.
my bite is deadly.
what am i ?

2007-01-04 13:14:54 · 11 answers · asked by Let's Diddle 1

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. He begins his remarks with "Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"
Immediately his speech writer rushes over to the lectern and whispers in the President's ear: "Mr President, those are the Olympic rings. Your speech is underneath."

2007-01-04 13:08:18 · 27 answers · asked by Helen 4

A visitor at an asylum asks the director what the criteria are for defining whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," says the director, "we fill up a bathtub; then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," says the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," says the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed by the wall or near the window?"

2007-01-04 13:04:34 · 21 answers · asked by Helen 4

Q: What’s the difference between God and Bono?
A: God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.

2007-01-04 13:01:12 · 13 answers · asked by Helen 4

My friend and I are dyslexic. He asked me if I could smell his dog

you what? i said I cant even smell my own name!!

2007-01-04 13:00:46 · 9 answers · asked by returnofkarlos 2

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

2007-01-04 12:59:31 · 17 answers · asked by Helen 4

tubbie

2007-01-04 12:58:04 · 13 answers · asked by wilbur2lot 3

Ice Fishing Blondes



There was a competition between a team of blondes and a team of brunettes to see who could catch the most fish icefishing. Once the contest started, it was clear that the brunettes were going to win, as they kept pulling out fish after fish. Soon, the blondes got worried and sent over one of their team to see what the brunettes were doing differently. A few minutes later, the blonde comes running back.

"A hole! You need to put a hole in the ice!"

2007-01-04 12:51:15 · 29 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-04 12:46:45 · 11 answers · asked by In Honor of Moja 4

2007-01-04 12:46:01 · 15 answers · asked by I hate carrots 6

There was an old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky, and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the little old lady. So every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on the way every day. Then one morning in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Please provide for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!" The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "There is no Lord. I bought those groceries!" The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

2007-01-04 12:45:56 · 10 answers · asked by jonny boy 2

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

2007-01-04 12:45:36 · 21 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-04 12:42:46 · 4 answers · asked by radio 2

Things I Hate

1. people who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Dang right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say, while watching a film, "Did you see that?". No, Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the dang floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya, Sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved!"...Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest dang thing anyone ever experiences!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, idiot ?

10.When a cop pulls you over and says do you know how fast you were going?, you should know you pulled me over

2007-01-04 12:42:45 · 13 answers · asked by jonny boy 2

2007-01-04 12:42:32 · 5 answers · asked by wilbur2lot 3

I have two coins adding up to 30p. One is not a 10p and one is not a 20p what are the coins?

2007-01-04 12:40:19 · 7 answers · asked by cozyslegend 2

A young girl about 14 are 15 is walking to her house, she just got out of school, when all of a sudden she vaished.
where did she go ?

2007-01-04 12:39:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 12:35:36 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"

2007-01-04 12:34:52 · 7 answers · asked by CoReAnMaMa 1

As for me I will not be eating it until you all finished been a ginnepig and I see that you all si still alive then I MAY tast a bit and even then I would not devowered a lot of it @ all! I donot know how those cows @ sheep have been devolouped, how the have been raised what they had been fed from they were born until it reaches the store so I would not be one of the ginnepig @ all.

2007-01-04 12:33:36 · 4 answers · asked by norman j 2

Until I am measured,
I am not known.
Yet how you miss me,
When I have flown.
What am I?

2007-01-04 12:27:24 · 11 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2

A Packer fan, a Viking fan and a Bear fan were all in Saudi Arabia ,
sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed
in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in
Saudi Arabia , so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming
the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully
appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was
a Saudi National holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely
benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20
lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the
Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked
me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Viking fan was first in line (he had drank the least), so he thought
about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went
through. The Viking fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain
when the punishment was done.

The Packer fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself),
and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my
back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went
through again, sending the Packer fan out crying like a little girl.

The Bear fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before
he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the
greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal
football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Bear fan replies. "In recognition of
your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very
brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is
what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?"
the Sheik asks.

"Tie the Packer fan to my back..."

GO BEARS!!!!!

2007-01-04 12:21:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? WARNING-----
answer below---
So here it is-----
coming up!--------------------------------------------*-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*--------------------------
-----------------------------------------------------------*------------
get your drunk *** off the merry go round.

2007-01-04 12:21:11 · 15 answers · asked by allisonaddicted 2

One says to the other "How do you tell if a man's single or not?"

The other one says "Ah. That's easy. Watch!"

They waited for a while and a bloke came along with one ready meal, one chocolate bar and one can of coke. She said "You're single, you, aren't you?"

He said "Yeah. How did you know that?"

She said "'Cause you're a right ugly c*nt!"

2007-01-04 12:18:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you get when you cross a lion with an eagle? I'm writing a speech about greek mythology and I needed a catchy intro. The answer is actually a griffin, but I want a joke answer to open up with. Thanks!

2007-01-04 12:18:37 · 11 answers · asked by chocolate_queen09 1

There is a dead man in the center of a field. He carried with him an unopened package. As he neared the center of the field, he knew he was going to die. How did he know he was going to die?

2007-01-04 12:13:38 · 13 answers · asked by wa_tailback2 2