Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-04 10:31:14 · 7 answers · asked by answers999 6

So three guys try to get into heaven and St. Benjamin says, "Ok, the one with the most pathetic death will get in."
The first guys death...
I walked into my house when I heard running around so I looked around and I went into my wife's room and noticed that she was just cheating on me, so I rampage the house looking for the guy, and then I see a man hanging from my fire escape, and I think, "he's trying to get away". So I walk over and I grab a hammer and pound his fingers off, but that lucky guy falls in some bushes. So I push my fridge off the fire escape and kill him, but i felt so bad about doing this that I shot myself.
The second guy's death...
Well you see I was BASE Jumping and my parachute didnt open so I grabbed onto this guys fire escape luckily, but then he comes out and knocks me off, but i fall in some bushes, but then he pushes his fridge on me!
The third guys death...
Ok, picture this.......you're hiding naked in a fridge...

2007-01-04 10:27:51 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Deep thoughts for those who take life too seriously:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

15. Okay . . . so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death.........twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?

25. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

26. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow

2007-01-04 10:25:40 · 11 answers · asked by Goldylocks 5

" IT'S OVER FLO "

2007-01-04 10:25:27 · 19 answers · asked by jabelite 3

crying, when a passing jogger stops and asks him why the tears,
"well i am a multi millionaire, i have a big house, a fast car ,a beautiful young wife who makes love to me every night wether i want to or not." sob
"well thats nothing to cry for" said the jogger

"But" said the man" I forgot where my house is.".

2007-01-04 10:23:33 · 16 answers · asked by chris w. 7

"That my son could be called a donger or a dinger or a knob or a cory or dick or a pr#ck but it's real name is a penis, "
"But dad when I asked mum, she said it was nothing"
"well son, you mother's been spoilt"

2007-01-04 10:21:18 · 13 answers · asked by jabelite 3

. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it.

2007-01-04 10:09:55 · 14 answers · asked by pebbles26981 4

The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

2007-01-04 10:08:51 · 23 answers · asked by pebbles26981 4

got my ex a ticket to the moon for xmas.....he asked why i got him such a weird gift...i said...u wanted space didnt u

2007-01-04 10:06:17 · 1 answers · asked by pebbles26981 4

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's bloody heavy."

2007-01-04 10:00:08 · 15 answers · asked by pebbles26981 4

alright..

The one who makes it sells it
The one who buys it doesnt use it..
The one whose using it doesnt know it...
What is it?

2007-01-04 09:58:38 · 2 answers · asked by LaceFace09 3

2007-01-04 09:54:32 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

with a large winkle have for breakfast ? Well today i just had toast !!!!!

2007-01-04 09:53:17 · 23 answers · asked by Shredder 6

liquor before beer.......

2007-01-04 09:44:54 · 7 answers · asked by mike k 1

two trains at separate stations leave at 9 O' clock. the both face eachother and would hit eachother if they left at the same time.. How come when they both left at 9 they didnt touch eachother at all

first correct answer gets best! :)

2007-01-04 09:44:17 · 18 answers · asked by LaceFace09 3

2 EGGS BOILING,in a pan! 1 female,,1 male...She turns to him and says, Look ive got a crack! He replies ,, NO POINT TELLING ME IM NOT F***ING HARD YET?...

2007-01-04 09:44:05 · 16 answers · asked by madmarie35 3

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2007-01-04 09:40:25 · 19 answers · asked by i ♥ sasuke 2

2007-01-04 09:37:35 · 17 answers · asked by Richard B 1

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons,Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

2007-01-04 09:33:26 · 2 answers · asked by Tink 5

I heard you have to go to the ends of the earth to get it!!!

2007-01-04 09:29:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dog, a rabbit and a porcupine go to a Mexican restaurant to have dinner and drinks after a long, hard work week. After placing their orders, the porcupine excuses himself and heads for the restroom. When the porcupine returns to the table, the dog looks at the rabbit and says...

2007-01-04 09:23:53 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 09:21:28 · 9 answers · asked by alec c 4

2007-01-04 09:19:08 · 4 answers · asked by honeybear 5

http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i206/ronaldostepovers/drinkproblem.jpg?t=1167948863

2007-01-04 09:15:02 · 13 answers · asked by Puma 4

Whats the difference,between a slapper and a bowling ball?...........Nothing ....they get picked up fingered ,,,then banged down an alley,,,,......

2007-01-04 09:12:08 · 40 answers · asked by madmarie35 3

put her in a round room and ask her to sit in the corner!!

2007-01-04 09:09:43 · 25 answers · asked by lil_bit_confused 1

what do u call black/chinese people? (this aint no joke eitha im realy serious)

2007-01-04 09:09:37 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do womens b.r.e.a.s.t.s and train sets have in common

they were both intended for kids originally but its the Dads who end up playing with both.

2007-01-04 09:07:46 · 15 answers · asked by chris w. 7

....so why has Michael J Fox yet to get a mention!?!?!?

2007-01-04 09:04:37 · 6 answers · asked by Ecko 4

are on the run from the Nazis during WW2 and they decide to seek refuge in an barn on a farmyard.

Soon, they hear the Nazi search party getting near so the 3 of them decide to hide in separate sacks.

The Nazis burst into the barn and go round searching for the 3 men on the run. One soldier, seeing a sack, gives it a good kick. The Englishman inside, doing his best sheep impression, wails, "Baaaaaaa!". The soldier moves to another sack and gives it a kick. The Scotsman wails, "Oink, weeeee, oink". The soldier leaves the sack and sees one more in the corner. Same story, he runs up and gives it a kick. To which the Irishman yells;

"Potatoes!!!!"

2007-01-04 08:49:37 · 18 answers · asked by Ecko 4