Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-04 03:14:09 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was yesterday, banging away on my 'Keypad', when suddenly my computer decided to present me with some un-asked for and un-recognised audable entertainment! My imediate thought was, "what the F..K is this". Where did it come from? It sounded like, what I can only describe as two 'swishes' repeated six times, followed by a two note (low, followed by high) trumpet fanfare. Bloody crazy eh? I was not able to get shot of it, short of doing a restore back one day. I have checked both 'i tunes' and 'windows' library, nothing in either of them that would explain it. If anyone is wondering, no, I haven't been on the piss.

Any answers ?

2007-01-04 03:08:52 · 13 answers · asked by jmbsrbmar 3

2007-01-04 02:59:01 · 18 answers · asked by CHOC S 1

Boy asks mum " mum is it wrong to have a willy ?"
Mum replied " 'course not, why do you ask?"
Boy replied, " 'cause Dad is sweatin like fu!k tryin to pull his off!"

lol xx

2007-01-04 02:49:54 · 25 answers · asked by london lady 5

2007-01-04 02:39:06 · 15 answers · asked by CoWBoY829 3

A guy gets a free Super Bowl ticket from work. When he gets to the game, he sees that his seat sucks. After a while, he sees an empty see right on the fifty yard line thats been empty all game, so he figures he'd try to go and sit in it.

He gets there and asks the guy sitting next to it if its taken. The guy says "You can sit there. My wife and I have been coming to the Superbowl every year for the last 20 years, but she passed away, so no one is using the seat."

The man says "I'm sorry to hear that. But this is a great seat and I'm sure the ticket was expensive. You couldn't find anyone to come with you?"

The other man replies "No. Everyone's at the funeral."

2007-01-04 02:09:47 · 6 answers · asked by Chris D 4

2007-01-04 02:03:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Whats black and blue and hates sex.



A. the 4 year old boy in the trunk of my car.

.......... LoL please rate my hilarious joke

2007-01-04 01:59:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

crash cars

2007-01-04 01:50:48 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Would appreciate any help with the following.
Sensible answers please. I have translated some need more help. Thanks

- .... . .-.. --- -. --. .- -. -.. - .... . ... .... --- .-. - --- ..-. .. - .-.-.- - -..- -

2007-01-04 01:48:21 · 11 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

Jerrys Kids :) Thats mean I'm sorry :(

2007-01-04 01:47:38 · 20 answers · asked by Rancidbearsgrease 4

2007-01-04 01:41:06 · 5 answers · asked by asriel8449 1

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were controlled by their wives was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.

God was angered and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, Learn from him!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."

2007-01-04 01:35:37 · 17 answers · asked by a 1

i know Christmas is over but i just found this quite funny...if you can be bothered to read it all...


The Chav nativity


There's this bird, right, called Mary, yeah? She's a virgin (whatever
that is).

She's not married nor nuffink, but she's livin wiv this bloke, Joe,
innit, in a crib dahn Nazaref. He does woodwork an that.

One day Mary meets this fella, Gabriel. She's like "Oo ya lookin at?"

Gabriel just goes "You got one up the duff, you ave."

Mary's totally gobsmacked! She gives it to im large "Stop dissin me
yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!"

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six mumfs gone erself.
Liz is largin it. She's filled wiv spirits, Barcardi-Breezers an that.

She's like "Oarright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me belly and I
reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an that we iz
gonna get." Mary goes "Yeah, s'pose you're right."

Mary n Joe ain't got no money so they has to ponse a donkey, an go dahn
Beflehem on that. They get to this boozer an Mary wants to stop, yeah?
To have her bay-bee an that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an Joe break n enter
into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an sheep an that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking propper blingin, wiv crahns on
their eads. They're like "Reespec, bay-bee Jesus", an say they're
wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: "If you're so wise, wotchoo doin wiv this Frankenstein an
myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?"

It's all about to kick off, when Gabriel turns up again an sez he's got
another message, from this Lord geezer.

He's like "The filf is comin an they're killin all the bay-bees. You
better nash off to Egypt."

Joe goes "You must be monged if you think I'm goin dahn Egypt on that
minging donkey"

Gabriel sez "Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay."

So, they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-borns an
it's safe an that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an Jesus turns water
into Stella.

The End

APPY CRIMBO

2007-01-04 01:18:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

two elephants walkingthrough the jungle
saw a naked man running by .
did you see that said one elephant
Yes said the other i wonder how he breathes through that small thing

2007-01-04 01:15:07 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A taxi driver driving a Mercedes-Benz picked up a rather simple looking fellow at the airport one day.
When the gentleman got in and they started on their way he enquired of the taxi driver what the three pinned emblem on the front of the bonnet is for. The driver replied "why it's for lining it up at people so you can run them down".
"Ah I see", said the man.
With this the taxi driver starts heading straight for an elderly woman but at the last second swerves away but hears a loud bang, he looks curiously over at his new passenger who is hanging out of the car with the door wide open: "I thought you were going to miss her there for a minute!".

2007-01-04 01:09:09 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 00:58:29 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 00:57:05 · 18 answers · asked by NPM 1

I am black lady live in Cologne Germany. I am a housecleaner.
If there is anyone in this area Bonn, Cologne, Troisdorf, Siegburg
And Saint August looking for someone to cleaning and ironing for them, Please you
Can contact me on my E-mail becky_ekeno@yahoo.com

2007-01-04 00:48:01 · 6 answers · asked by becky_ekeno 1

2007-01-04 00:45:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Puzzle

2007-01-04 00:44:03 · 14 answers · asked by Bishamber T 1

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

2007-01-04 00:44:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

one day this guy gets stuck in the middle of the ocean and this one ship comes and says i will take you back to the land and he says no that is okay god will save me and then another ship came and said please come with me i will take you to land and he says no that is okay god will save me and then finnally he drowns and when he gets to heaven he says lord why didnt you save me and god says i sent you 2 ships you big dummie!!!

2007-01-04 00:25:53 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 00:03:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old twin girls. Had both of them, twice”.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me?"
"Because I'm telling everybody!"

2007-01-04 00:03:23 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tarzan and his animal friends are off for a swim... Tarzan yelled "okay guys, no fooling around and we will all jump together in the water in the count of three..."
As they all jumped together and surfaced in the water, the monkeys and other animals were laughing at him. Tarzan asked in confusion..."What are you guys llaughing about?"

The monkey replied giggling "wow, we didn't know you have a tail in front!!"

2007-01-04 00:00:52 · 18 answers · asked by cutie_blondie 1

a cloud!!!

2007-01-03 23:51:15 · 19 answers · asked by Wow! I have a pig nose! 4

2007-01-03 23:48:33 · 42 answers · asked by Anthony 3

Topped with silver, a bite of gold, stones inside, lead at my base, loaded with natural gas. Valuable but usually not valued.

2007-01-03 23:33:23 · 13 answers · asked by Quest 6

Imagine you are in a room with 3 switches. In an adjacent room there are 3 bulbs (all are off at the moment), each switch belongs to one bulb. It is impossible to see from one room to another. How can you find out which switch belongs to which bulb, if you may enter the room with the bulbs only once?

2007-01-03 23:26:48 · 16 answers · asked by destiny_alight 1