Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

this was a riddle said by Abraham Lincoln, first CORRECT answer get 10 points!

2007-01-04 08:47:57 · 10 answers · asked by LÅÛ®ËÑ 2

The Hormone Hostage.
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands. This is a handy guide which should be as common as a driving license kept in the wallet of every husband/boyfriend.

1. Pass My Shotgun.
2. Psychotic Mood Shift.
3. Perpetual Munching Spree.
4. Puffy Mid Section.
5. People Make me Sick.
6. Provide Me with Sweets.
7. Pardon My Sobbing.
8. Pimples May Surface.
9. Pass My Sweatpants.
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome.
11. Plainly ; Men Suck.
12. Pack My Stuff.
And my favourite :
13. Potential Murder Suspect.

2007-01-04 08:40:31 · 17 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

2007-01-04 08:36:47 · 7 answers · asked by BULL 3

Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating.
Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

2007-01-04 08:36:44 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

after spending summer with her Grandparents in Ohio. Her frend asked what she learned on her trip." well they have these men up there who like other men and they call them gays" "what else did you learn asked her friend
"well they have women who like other women and they call them lesbians"
Did you learn anything else?
"yes they have men who lick womens private parts " OOhhh what do they call them

" i dont know but when he finished i called hoim precious"

2007-01-04 08:36:02 · 12 answers · asked by chris w. 7

I'm into sadism, beastiality and necrophilia - am I just flogging a dead horse or what?

2007-01-04 08:34:37 · 9 answers · asked by zappafan 6

and asks the barman, "Do you have a bathroom in this pub?".

"Yeah" replies the barman, "T'rew the back d'ere"

Yank comes back seconds later and says,

"Excuse me buddy, there's no lock on the door"

"Well", says the barman, "In all me years of workin' in dis pub, I've never known anyone to steal a feckin shoite"

2007-01-04 08:31:41 · 15 answers · asked by Ecko 4

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well," he explained "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls, and thus gentlemen. So my speech started 'Ladies and Gentlemen'."

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English ba---rd and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'".

2007-01-04 08:30:32 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 sperm were walking down the street, how do ya know which one is happy?

the one with egg on his face

2007-01-04 08:27:56 · 14 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

2007-01-04 08:26:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ill tell you in a month...

2007-01-04 08:23:46 · 7 answers · asked by rickle91 3

music video "this aint a scene its an arms race" if you did, did you like it?

2007-01-04 08:20:57 · 3 answers · asked by sexy sadie 2

2007-01-04 08:17:45 · 9 answers · asked by ♥Princess♥ 2

Golfs PGA TOUR

2007-01-04 08:16:40 · 1 answers · asked by man with the golden gun 4

Who's there?

2007-01-04 08:15:50 · 23 answers · asked by matured 3

heard this on radio today, someone had wrote 'im this dirty cz ive been cleaned with your wifes knickers' haha made me giggle. n 'please help me ive been kidnapped and this guy is driving me like an idiot' any more????

2007-01-04 08:13:05 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy"

2007-01-04 08:01:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

have sex with this really cute,really hot girl in his office but she was dating someone else.One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you.The girl looked at him, and then said,NO.Eddie said,I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend so she called him and explained the situation.Her boyfriend says,Ask him for $200,and pick up the money really fast.He won't even be able to get his pants down.She agreed and accepts the proposal.Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.Finally,after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,He had all quarters.
Management lesson...Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

2007-01-04 07:56:46 · 7 answers · asked by Dream_Catcher 4

don't think i'm silly, OK!!

2007-01-04 07:49:17 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 07:37:26 · 7 answers · asked by gas_o99 1

2007-01-04 07:35:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

when i was a kid i used to eat toothpaiste

also weetbix on toast lol

what was ur werid combo ( no lying answers plz

2007-01-04 07:27:48 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

opticians today , he said , do you want your eyes checked , i said , no just leave em blue ?

2007-01-04 07:16:19 · 36 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign in the window reading,
'For sale: cl*tor*s licking frog'

She goes in and goes up to the counter. The shopkeeper comes to the counter and says,
"Bonjour Madame".

2007-01-04 07:10:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

he said he was too HUNG OVER from the night before.

2007-01-04 07:03:03 · 19 answers · asked by t0x1c_n4z1 1

i went to pizza hut tonite and asked for a 20 inch deep pan pizza with mozzerella cheese chillies and anchovys the assistant said ''would you like it cut into 4 or 8 slices'' i said''just 4 i couldnt eat 8''

2007-01-04 07:01:02 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two sisters in one room that holds two separate beds. There is only one lamp, though. They are both reading books. The older one finishes before the younger one and thus turns the light off. But the younger one is still reading and finishes three hours later. How is this possible?

Some things to know:
1. The room is pitch-black with the light off. NO MOONLIGHT TO SUPPORT GIRL READING.
2. She is not nocturnal.
3. She does not have night-vision glasses.

Hope that helps. Good luck! First correct and thorough answer gets the 10 point reward!

2007-01-04 07:00:13 · 19 answers · asked by shrad 3

This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why? Are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Via--a pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She said, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He said, "Why?"

She said, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

2007-01-04 06:55:33 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Via--a.

The pharmacist said "That`s no problem. How many do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That`s too small a dose. That won`t get you through s-x."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that`s all right. I`m past eighty years old, and I don`t even think about s-x anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don`t pee on my shoes.

2007-01-04 06:52:22 · 50 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-04 06:49:51 · 20 answers · asked by tony f 1