Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Although I am far from the point...

I don't make mistakes....

I fix yours...

What am I?

2007-01-05 01:46:01 · 15 answers · asked by nessasue7 2

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man may put on shoes for weddings and funerals.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men throw things at cats.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

2007-01-05 01:44:17 · 19 answers · asked by Kate 2

This is a riddle!

2007-01-05 01:38:57 · 18 answers · asked by jara 1

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer
said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'"

2007-01-05 01:35:54 · 9 answers · asked by Kate 2

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when -- all of a sudden -- a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

2007-01-05 01:22:53 · 11 answers · asked by ms01 4

2007-01-05 01:22:12 · 3 answers · asked by Joe S 6

Militia Ethridge

2007-01-05 01:19:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

S
L
O
W


HIJKLMNO


WEAR
LONG



R.......R
.....A
Y.......Y


CLOUD
....TH


VISION VISION


CHIMADEA


....EARTH
....EARTH
-->EARTH
....EARTH
....EARTH


L
L
I
H




S...M
E...U
O...S
G...T
T...C
A...O
H...M
W...E

2007-01-05 00:58:33 · 13 answers · asked by Greeneyed 7

News broke out today of Rangers having talk with new sponsors. However dog food manufactures WINALOT said there product would not benefit being worn by their clowns?

2007-01-05 00:49:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Lighten up people

2007-01-05 00:48:11 · 9 answers · asked by DAMON 2

This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in a while.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!




DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:!
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!

2007-01-05 00:45:43 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-05 00:38:13 · 21 answers · asked by laura G 1

2007-01-05 00:27:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

two nuns travelling through transilvania, when a vampire settled on ther windscreen.. mother superior said sister mary sister mary what ever are we going to do. dont worry i will put the wipers on,
still the vampire clung on. sister mary sister mary what ever can we do now. dont worry i will put the washers on the vampire wet through still clung on. mother superior now worried, said sister mary show it your cross, so sister mary wound the window
down an shouted will you get of my ******* windscreen

2007-01-05 00:16:24 · 11 answers · asked by harryb11g 2

When asked if he could shoe a horse-he replied-''No,but I once told a donkey to f*ck off''-lollollol

2007-01-05 00:13:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

mines lifes to short to worry

2007-01-04 23:41:58 · 14 answers · asked by tease :-) 2

two boys had a playdate
Jimmy: hey eric what happened to your leg?
Eric: I broke it
Jimmy: how?
Eric: see those stairs over there?
Jimmy: yea
Eric: well i didnt!

2007-01-04 23:35:48 · 13 answers · asked by tinkerbellcutie 1

There was this party going in full swing when one of the guests shouts “If, when blindfolded, you place something under my nose, one or two sniffs, I can tell you whatever it is.”
Yeah right they thought, so they put him to the test.
First was a plate which had had bacon, egg and chips. The man took a sniff and says quite proudly “Why, that was bacon, egg and chips”.
Wow they all thought.
This went on for a while and he was really good, so a couple of guys thought, we’ll get him and off they went.
They came back with a prostitute, spread her legs and slid her along the table so he could have a sniff. Well the man thought and thought, shaking his head, he finally started to admit to defeat, so asks for a second chance. They spin the prostitute over and slide her along the table ‘till her *** was beneath his nose. He takes a really long sniff, sits up and starts scratching his head, this goes on for five minutes or so when he says, “Well lads, you got me there, this is really difficult……….hang on, I know, A s.h.i.t house door from a Grimsby trawler”.

2007-01-04 23:29:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was four guys in a car smokin weed.They seen a coco puffs cereal box in the road.The car drove to the box in the road and tried to grabbed it.All of a sudden the police dropped a huge net on the car and yelled shut case officer dan i told you the trap would work!

2007-01-04 23:22:47 · 10 answers · asked by kevin j 1

2007-01-04 23:12:31 · 4 answers · asked by RamG 1

In college, I went to the loo to do a number one, and i went into a cubicle and in the next cubicle someone was doing a number 2. Someone walks in to do a pee and the guy next to me starts to break wind continuosly. Im like whaaaaaaaaaaat??? and the boy walks out and says ' You f*ckin stinky b*****ds! I started to laugh my head off and ran out cause it stunk so bad. lmao

2007-01-04 23:09:31 · 29 answers · asked by Farpandaaaaaa 2

cos every night I could hear this girl shouting ROGER MOORE, ROGER MOORE

2007-01-04 23:09:24 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.....I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started".

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger".

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ..........." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

2007-01-04 23:08:34 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a two american boys and their japanese friend they went to a japanese resturant to eat the boys forgot their money at home to pay for their meal so the japanese boy said can i give you my american friends for ******* us over at pearl harbor years ago!

2007-01-04 23:03:22 · 12 answers · asked by kevin j 1

you all have been good in life so you all may enter heaven however there is one condition you must never step on the ducks if you step on any of the ducks you will be chained to the ugliest men for all eternity The 3 women enter heaven & are careful to avoid steppin on any duck but its hard because ducks are everywhere after a few hours one of the women grew tired and accidently step on a duck theres a sudden gush of wind and the woman is swooped into the air the ugliest man the world has ever known is tied to her by the means of a chain Seein this the other two woman are frantic not to step on a duck after months the next woman grew tired as she walks out of the door she steps on a duck instantly the duck turns into a hunchback & her leg is chained to his The third woman is now very careful to avoid the ducks After 10 years she starts to walk outside and a gorgeous man is chained to her "What have I done to deserve this" she asks the man answers "I dont know but I stepped on a duck!"

2007-01-04 22:56:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

My wife and I were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. She kept glancing over at him throughout the meal.


Finally, I said, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"


"Yes," she replied. "He's my ex-husband, and he's been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."


I said, "That's remarkable. I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."


She hasn't spoken to me since.

2007-01-04 22:55:25 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ant went to consult a doctor.. Elephant asked about the ant's disease. Ant was not happy and replied. After hearing the reply,elephant fainted. Why?

2007-01-04 22:52:08 · 21 answers · asked by myths 2

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to ma sister!"

2007-01-04 22:47:59 · 10 answers · asked by Lady 3

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tyres and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

2007-01-04 22:35:10 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr Felix lived in the 2 storey house. He told his slave, A-Ming, to turn off the lamps in the 1st floor. There are 3 switches and they are all in the 2nd floor. They cannot see the lamp from the 2nd floor.How can A-Ming knows that this switch to turn off this lamp, but Mr Felix only give him 1 chance to check it?

2007-01-04 22:24:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous