Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Why did micheal make the songs beat and annie are you oky?

2007-01-11 03:57:51 · 5 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male? All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus? At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift? Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera? Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

2007-01-11 03:56:03 · 12 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

Paddy and Murphy are out fishing, and having a great day. As fast as they put a hook into the water, a fish bites, and they reel it in.
As sunset approaches they decide to mark the spot, so they can come back again.
Paddy thinks a bit and then paints a big "X" on the bottom of their boat.
Murphy says "You idiot! What if we get a different boat next time?"

2007-01-11 03:54:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny and Suzie were walking home from school after their first sex education class, when Suzie said that one thing she didn't understand about it all was, "What is a penis?"
Little Johnny said he didn't know either, but would ask his father that night, because his father "Knew everything." That night, when Johnny's father came home from work, Little Johnny asked, "Dad, what's a penis?"

Johnny's father led him into the bedroom, where Johnny's father dropped his trousers, pointed down, and said, "That, Johnny, is a penis." He then looked down at it and added, "In fact, that's what I would call a PERFECT penis!" Little Johnny was impressed, thanked his father for explaining it, and ran out to play. The next morning, Little Johnny and Suzie were walking to school when Johnny proudly announced that he knew what a penis is. Suzie wanted to know, so Johnny led her around behind a bush, dropped his trousers, pointed down, and announced, "That, Suzie, is a penis." He looked down at it and added, "In fact, if it was just 3 inches shorter, it would be a PERFECT penis!!!"

2007-01-11 03:51:59 · 18 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand.

Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.

After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."

2007-01-11 03:50:24 · 15 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word "toilet" during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner."

2007-01-11 03:47:21 · 13 answers · asked by *Dat*-*Libra*-*Cutie* 3

the guy was the funniest genuine comedian ever !

if you dont know him check him out

2007-01-11 03:42:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

11. What do you call male ballerinas?

12. Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

13. If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

14. Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

15. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16. If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

17. If a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are billions of stars in the universe, you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

19. Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

2007-01-11 03:36:42 · 7 answers · asked by cinders162002 3

Questions to Ponder
1. If a person owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way down to the center of the earth?

2. Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

3. Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say "hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

4. If you mated a Bulldog with a Shitsu would you get a Bullshit?

5. Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

6. Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

7. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

8. What do people in China call their good plates?

9. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

10. Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

2007-01-11 03:35:58 · 21 answers · asked by cinders162002 3

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a plastic bag?
A. One's white, plastic, and harmful to children, the other is just a plastic bag.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson have to quit the boy scouts?
A. He was up to a pack a day.

Q. What did the woman at the beach tell Michael Jackson?
A. Get out of my son!

2007-01-11 03:33:51 · 9 answers · asked by Maverick 6

A Christmas Poem

'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat

The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook

It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.

Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube

When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my ***** and poor momma went dry.

Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself.

The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ***, clean up to the hilt.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.

With a fat little driver, half out of his sled, A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.

Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.

And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.

Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.

Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.

They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.

And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.

I was donning my jacket to cover my ***, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.

His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.

That was some brothel, he said with a smile, The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile.

He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.

I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.

Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.

The first thing he found was a pair of false ****, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.

A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.

A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.

A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.

This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will ****, So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.

He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny ********* tucked under his sleeve.

He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his *** and broke wind instead.

In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch, Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a *****!

The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!

2007-01-11 03:30:06 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need some really really funny jokes but they need to be clean and very FUNNY

2007-01-11 03:20:45 · 16 answers · asked by Ash 2

There was a little guy sitting
at a bar drinking a beer. A while later a huge guy walked into the bar and
he went up to the little guy and karate chopped him in the back. The little
guy fell off his bar stool and when he got up the big guy said, ''That was
a karate chop from Korea.''

The big guy went to the restroom and
the little guy ordered himself another beer. About 20 minutes later the big
guy came back and karate choped the little guy in the back again. The little
guy got up and dusted himself off and the big guy told him,''That was a
karate chop from China.''

The little guy got up and decided he
wasn't going to take any more of this, so he left the bar. About an hour
later the little guy comes back to the bar and he hits the big guy in the
back. The big guy is knocked out cold and he's on the floor. The little guy
tells the bartender , ''Tell him that was a crowbar from
Sears!''

2007-01-11 03:12:05 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is driving home, when
is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the
guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.


"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those
knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man
says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove
it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At
the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man,"
says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety
tests are hard."

2007-01-11 03:10:16 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,
Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang
the door-bell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch
and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun
too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try
several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure
you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it." Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "For more than three hours, too. The mother
was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then
darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your,
um...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that
we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold up by myself for very long... Madam? Madam?"

2007-01-11 03:08:43 · 12 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

There were two cat's on either side's of road. each wanted to cross the road. When one of them tried to hurry, she got ran over by a car. Then other approached near her and said something in other's ear. What did she said ?
I will provide answer after 24 hrs till you try and don't forget to cross check if you are right.

2007-01-11 03:06:01 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-11 03:02:10 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

i really can't stand one of my co-workers. i usually get along with almost everyone but shes just so stupid and bothers me every 2 min. to help her with stuff...she's annoyingggg. shes working here for 1 1/2 yrs. already and askes me to help her with the stupidist things she should know how to do. i already take her staples out of her staple gun every day and shes so dum she actually thinks shes using them all!! air head. its really funny tho. i want more pranks to pull on her but nothing too mean ya know? any ideas?

2007-01-11 02:51:30 · 11 answers · asked by suelove813 1

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

2007-01-11 02:47:50 · 20 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.

I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

2007-01-11 02:40:57 · 15 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2007-01-11 02:39:12 · 12 answers · asked by Pranav S 1

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home

2007-01-11 02:39:05 · 10 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

2007-01-11 02:37:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

you know what they said? "I don't know, I eat @ Popeye's"

2007-01-11 02:33:46 · 8 answers · asked by cjordan23 3

i'm wantin more names such as these, but when i search i get stupid ones or corny ones... i want some really funny names like these.

2007-01-11 02:26:27 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

GO FOR IT!!

2007-01-11 02:23:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Caller asks "Can u give me a push?" he says no and slams the door. Guy goes back upstairs to bed and his wife asks "Who was it?" He tells her and she gets angry! "When you broke down in the middle of nowhere last year u didn't complain when that guy helped u in the middle of the night!" "Your right" he says and makes his way outside in his pj's its still raining pretty hard. "U still here, U still need a push?" "yeah" "Where are you??" "I'm over here, on the swings!"

2007-01-11 02:21:10 · 8 answers · asked by soccertainer 2

2007-01-11 02:20:20 · 7 answers · asked by tapping toes 5

http://i73.photobucket.com/albums/i206/ronaldostepovers/baddream.jpg?t=1168528570

2007-01-11 02:16:22 · 12 answers · asked by Puma 4

2007-01-11 02:13:57 · 7 answers · asked by Amr 1