Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

2007-01-11 00:19:02 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have three favorite movie directors. You have right to give out three names. If you guess at least one, than you'll get 10 points!take your chance.

2007-01-11 00:15:06 · 20 answers · asked by Sali 3

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

2007-01-11 00:13:22 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

I thought "That's Aboriginal."

2007-01-11 00:12:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

you can move by kicking your legs and by bouncing off planets with no gravitational pull but you cant go to earth!

2007-01-10 23:49:46 · 12 answers · asked by Pinki 2

YOU CAN MOVE BY KICKING YOUR LEGS AND BY BOUNCING OFF PLANETS WITH NO GRAVITATIONAL PULL BUT YOU CANT GO TO EARTH.

2007-01-10 23:48:36 · 9 answers · asked by Pinki 2

YOU CAN MOVE BY KICKING YOUR LEGS AND BY BOUNCING OFF PLANETS WITH NO GRAVITATIONAL PULL BUT YOU CANT GO TO EARTH.

2007-01-10 23:48:07 · 5 answers · asked by Pinki 2

jokes , funny stories anything to make me smile please

2007-01-10 23:46:15 · 4 answers · asked by Denise D 2

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "Youre beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "Youre cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied

2007-01-10 23:44:11 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”

2007-01-10 23:39:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three football fans on the town taking a shortcut come across a dead, naked woman lying in the middle of the street. After they call the cops, they each take off their baseball caps and place them on the dead woman out of respect and to cover her private parts until the cops arrive.

The first fan places his Aston Villa cap over her left breast, the second places his Arsenal cap on her right breast and the third fan places his Manchester United cap on her pubic area.

The cops finally arrive, and the officers take statements from the fans to find out what happened. After explaining that they found her naked and covered her up with their caps, the cop went over to examine the body.

He briefly lifted the Aston Villa cap, and quickly replaced it; then he lifted the Arsenal cap, and also quickly replaced it.

However, when he lifted the Manchester United cap, he stared and stared for what seemed to be two or three minutes. Finally, he let the cap drop, walked away, wrote in his notebook, then returned and lifted the Manchester United cap once again and stared for a long time.

As he was walking away the second time, the fans were curious and stopped him and asked him why he spent so much time looking at the woman's genitalia, and he said, "It's the first time I've seen anything other than an a**hole under a Manchester United cap."

2007-01-10 23:38:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Clean "Turtle" Joke

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

2007-01-10 23:33:22 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Skylight:

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." ...

2007-01-10 23:30:26 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

like pencil or bag or magnet or teabag...

what about words that cant lose meaning no matter how hard you try like-Sock,

Sock ,sock, sock, sock, sock, sock ,sock, sock, sock, sock, sock ,sock, sock, sock,sock, sock ,sock, sock, sock, sock, sock ,sock, sock, sock, sock, sock ,sock, sock, sock, sock, sock ,sock, sock, sock,sock, sock ,sock, sock, sock-see still means sock a warm thing that goes on your foot!

2007-01-10 23:28:45 · 13 answers · asked by Dude 2

A boy is sitting in his living room while his mum is sittin wathc telly.

The boy asks "Mum are birds made from screws and metal?"

Mum luks puzzled "Nooooo son, thier made from bones and flesh like us. Why do you ask?"

Boy replies " Dats odd cuz dad was talkin to John nextdoor sayin how much he wants to screw the bird nextdoor"

2007-01-10 23:12:57 · 10 answers · asked by Jit 1

A chav girl goes to the docter with a green rash on her inner thighs, the docter takes one look and says, tell your boyfriend his gold earrings are fake.............

2007-01-10 23:06:44 · 11 answers · asked by Mea 2

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1 Pass My Shotgun

2 Psychotic Mood Shift

3 Perpetual Munching Spree

4 Puffy Mid-Section

5 People Make me Sick

6 Provide Me with Sweets

7 Pardon My Sobbing

8 Pimples May Surface

9 Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one.

13. Potential Murder Suspect

Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh!

...Or men who need a warning.

And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!

2007-01-10 23:03:56 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.

11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.

13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

15. All single women have a cat.

16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.

18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.

20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.

21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.

27. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

28. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

30. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

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2007-01-10 23:02:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!

DANGEROUS: SAFER: SAFEST: ULTRA SAFE:
What's for dinner? Can I help you with dinner? Where would you like to go for dinner? Here, have some wine.
Are you wearing that? Wow, you sure look good in brown! WOW! Look at you! Here, have some wine
What are you so worked up about? Could we be overreacting? Here's my paycheck. Here, have some wine.
Should you be eating that? You know, there are a lot of apples left. Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that? Here, have some wine.
What did you DO all day? I hope you didn't over-do it today. I've always loved you in that robe! Here, have some more wine.

2007-01-10 23:01:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.

''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''

''Lipstick remover.''..................................................................................................................................................



A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, "I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?"

"Why sure," said the manager, "we have something that works especially well for that."

A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. "No, no! A little to the left," said the other blonde inside the car.

2007-01-10 22:57:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The joke finishes with someone asking the pianist, " Do you know you've just walked in with your flies undone and your tackle hanging out?" and the punchline is, " Do I know it!! I bloody wrote it mate!!"

2007-01-10 22:56:16 · 5 answers · asked by moomin papa 1

What does Micheal Jackson like most about Twenty Eight year olds?

Theres twenty of them

2007-01-10 22:55:12 · 14 answers · asked by hank g 1

and he has an orange for a head.The landlord says why have you got an orange for a head?the man says that he met a genie and it granted him 3 wishes,my first wish was for 100 million in the bank,my second wish was for world peace and my third wish was to have an orange for a head.

2007-01-10 22:51:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy went into a bar and
ordered a beer. He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there
with a head the size of a cue ball. So he walked down and said to the man,
“Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small
head. Is this a birth defect?” The man said “No, I got this in the war. My
ship was torpedoed by the German's in WWII. I was the only survivor on the
ship so I swam to shore. One day a mermaid swam up to me and said she would
grant me three wishes. For my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The
mermaid granted that wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would
ever need. Wish granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid. She
said, ‘I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have s-x.’”


So I said, “How about a little head?”

2007-01-10 22:44:14 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

2007-01-10 22:41:33 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

below are what they actually mean


40-ish = 49
Adventurous = slept with everyone
Athletic = no ****
Average looking = ugly
Beautiful = pathological liar
Contagious smile =doesa lot of pills
Emotionally secure =on medication
Feminist = fat
Free spirit = junkie
Friendship first = former very *friendly* person
Fun =annoying
New age = body hair in the wrong places
Open minded =desperate
Outgoing = loud and embarrassing
Passionate = sloppy drunk
Professional = *****
voluptuous = Very fat
Large frame = Hugely fat
Wants soul mate = stalker

2007-01-10 22:38:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am nine letters long. my 1234 is a hobby, 456 is a brand name, 567 is a nameof a mountain, 89 is a prefix. Whats the anwer?

2007-01-10 22:19:09 · 4 answers · asked by mata 2

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to Ann, the second mother and said, "Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name: Penny."

To the third mother, Joyce, he said, "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name: Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little
boy by the hand and whispers. . . "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

2007-01-10 21:55:36 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-10 21:43:45 · 15 answers · asked by nitya v 1

2007-01-10 21:33:29 · 37 answers · asked by dipti k 1