Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-10 21:33:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-10 21:29:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

My brain needs some activity!

2007-01-10 21:28:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a *****."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a *****?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a *****."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A *****!!!"

2007-01-10 21:27:10 · 7 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

Early next morning, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."
"Happy Birthday maaaaaaate!"
♥

2007-01-10 21:14:29 · 11 answers · asked by Kesta♥ 4

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.


2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.


3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400-day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.


4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly the
pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...


6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now! Your day's not so bad, is it?

2007-01-10 21:09:14 · 12 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

My first is the first of the first and my last is the first of the last. my second and third are the last of the two. people say i am not wise, so what am i?

2007-01-10 21:07:24 · 5 answers · asked by mata 2

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDP A: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

2007-01-10 20:54:20 · 18 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

A man walks up to a women in his office,inhales deeply, and sighs "Your hair sure smells nice" he says to her. Incensed she storms into the bosses office demanding that he file a sexual harrasment suit. "Whats wrong with a colleague telling you your hair smells nice" the perplexed boss asks her. "Hes a midget"

2007-01-10 20:51:45 · 8 answers · asked by ? 5

There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what's new in your life?"

The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."

The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."

The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."

2007-01-10 20:43:25 · 15 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day... Don't Lie To Your Mother.

2007-01-10 20:41:59 · 11 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

inventive answers are more likely to win the 10 points!

2007-01-10 20:32:23 · 21 answers · asked by DAZ4518 5

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it.

"Two dogs, please," said one.

The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"

2007-01-10 20:27:40 · 7 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

And yet your feet are so big!
Don't worry we'll work around it
I guess this makes me the early bird
Try not to smear my make-up
At least this won't take long
I want a baby
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
Maybe you should call Dr.Ruth
Is that blood on my headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
It's just a rash
Sorry about the name tags, I'm not good with names
Does it come with an air-pump?
But it still works, right?
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
But everybody looks funny naked
Do you smell something burning?
On second thoughts, let's turn off the lights
You must be cold
Don't mind me. I always file my nails in bed
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Maybe it looks better in natural light
Maybe you're just out of practice
When is this supposed to feel good?
It's a good thing you're rich.

2007-01-10 20:22:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any Bigger?

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

2007-01-10 20:19:35 · 9 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

2007-01-10 20:01:22 · 16 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

2007-01-10 19:52:40 · 13 answers · asked by Gringo L 5

One day, a blonde went to the doctor's office. She went into the examination room and said, "Doctor, I have a bullet hole in my hand and I don't know where it came from!" The doctor asked, "Have you had any personal experience with a gun recently?" The blonde replied, "Well, yesterday I was going to commit suicide. At first I was going to hold my breath till I died. I couldn't do it though. Then I was going to shoot myself in the stomach. That was too bloody. So I decided to shoot myself in the head. So I put the gun up to my ear and I put my other hand on my other ear because I knew gunshots were loud, you know?" The doctor nodded. "Well, then I pulled the trigger and the next thing I knew there was a hole in my hand!"

2007-01-10 19:47:28 · 7 answers · asked by Nocturnal Supremacy 3

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman:


"Got any bread?"


Barman says: "No."


Duck says: "Got any bread?"


Barman says: "No."


Duck says: "Got any bread?"


Barman says: "No, we have no bread."


Duck says: "Got any bread?"


Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f***king bread."


Duck says: "Got any bread?"


Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f***king bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f***king beak to the bar you irritating b***ard bird!"


Duck says: "Got any nails?"


Barman says: "No."


Duck says: "Got any bread?".......

2007-01-10 19:44:00 · 25 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A brit tourist walks into a boulangerie-patisserie (baker's and cake shop) in rural France and asks for a Gattox.
The assistant, not understanding much english, can't even explain that she doesn't understand. After some embarrassing minutes of this guy doing the typically brit thing, repeating again and again and again, each time L-O-U-D-E-R and S-L-O-W-E-R, " I WANT A GATTOX" ,another bilingual customer walks in, twigs the situation and explains to him that his pronunciation is wrong.

"You want a cake - in French, the word is Gateaux, but the X on the end is silent, not pronounced".

The brit, now horribly embarrassed, says, "Oh Bollo"

2007-01-10 19:42:09 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

not an actual virus

There is a new virus going around called WORK. If you receive any
sort of WORK, whether via e-mail, Internet, or simply handed to you
by a colleague, do not open it. Those who have opened WORK have
found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to
function properly.

If you do encounter WORK via e-mail or are faced with any WORK at
all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words
'This is too much for me, I'm going out for
a soda. This better not be here when I get back.'

Your brain should automatically delete the WORK. If you receive WORK in
paper document form, simply lift the
document and drag the WORK to your trash can.

Send this message to all your friends in your address book. If you
do not have anyone in your address book, then the WORK virus has
already corrupted your life!

http://www.myspace.com/vixen_creations

My Yahoo Groups

Joke Group
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheJokeGallery2/
Recipe Group
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Recipe_Xchange/

2007-01-10 19:41:12 · 6 answers · asked by Twisted Vixen 4

2007-01-10 19:36:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

As gross as this is, you may learn something from this suicide jumper.
Please read the cautionary message below before taking a peak at the photo!


Suicide jumper

This was sent to me by a police officer. The picture, which is not for the weak of mind nor the faint of heart, shows the fate of a suicide jumper, just after his landing. It shows his insides, now on the outside. The reason I do believe this is a real picture is the look of the innocent bystanders and the sheer horror _expression on their faces.

http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

(Tell me if you look...

2007-01-10 19:29:26 · 8 answers · asked by Twisted Vixen 4

A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."

2007-01-10 19:26:16 · 13 answers · asked by Nocturnal Supremacy 3

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when
a lizard walks past.

The lizard looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded
friend."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have
another joint.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry',
and that he's going to get a drink from the river.

At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he
leans too far over and falls in.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned
lizard, helping him to the side.

He then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?!"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was
sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He
then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he
was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from
the river, he fell in!

The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this
out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree
where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

He looks up and says "Hey, MONKEY!"

The Monkey looks down and says "FUUUUUCK,
DUDE....... how much water did you drink?"

2007-01-10 19:24:28 · 15 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

DAILY SURVIVAL KIT

Items Needed :
Mint
Candy Kiss
Tea Bag
Eraser
Rubber Band
Toothpick
Chewing Gum
Band Aid
Pencil

Why?????





TOOTHPICK - to remind you to pick out the good qualities in others. -

RUBBER BAND - to remind you to be flexible. Things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out. -

BAND AID - to remind you to heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's. -
PENCIL - to remind you to list your blessings everyday. -

ERASER - To remind you that everyone makes mistakes, and it's okay. -

CHEWING GUM - to remind you to stick with it, and you can accomplish anything. -

MINT - to remind you that you are worth a mint. -

CANDY KISS - to remind you that everyone needs a kiss or a hug everyday. -
TEA BAG - to remind you to relax daily and go over your list of blessings. -

Jokes
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TheJokeGallery2
Recipes
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Recipe_Xchange

2007-01-10 19:21:14 · 5 answers · asked by Twisted Vixen 4

A lady walks into a bar and
says,'' Barkeep, gimme a martooni.'' The bartender goes back and fixes
her a martini. She downs it and says, ''Barkeep, gimme another
martooni.'' So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that,
and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10
minutes bartender says,'' Would you like another?'' She says,'' Oh,
no, I got this terrible heartburn.''

The bartender says, ''Okay,
there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.

Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not
having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray.''

2007-01-10 19:17:42 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunken man
staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said
nothing.

The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The
priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention, but still the man says
nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt
to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin,'
pal. There's no paper."

2007-01-10 19:16:12 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

What 9 letter word has only 1 syllable and only 1 vowel?

2007-01-10 19:14:41 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends £5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."



He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"



He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."



Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

2007-01-10 19:14:28 · 21 answers · asked by toietmoi 6