Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-10 15:38:35 · 22 answers · asked by sali 1

Who said there aren't perfectly good uses for used condoms? I can give you at least 50 that are sure to be great examples...
Bicycle handle grips.

French tickler animals.

Shower caps for people with tiny heads.

Put one on a light bulb for mood lighting.

Fill one with helium and tie a note to it.

Get 1000 and make a submarine.

Put one over the showerhead to surprise Dad.

Put 'em on your cat's feet to keep it from climbing the curtains.

Blow a bunch up and tie them to the cars outside a wedding.

Put one on your nose and be Bobo the clown.

Water wings for those non-swimmers.

Use 500 of them to spell out "We Want Women!!" on your house.

Jello molds.

Finger puppets.

A wind sock.

Use as a bobber when fishing.

Put them on soda cans to keep the fizz in when you're not drinking it.

Practical joke: Put one on an exhaust pipe.

Suspenders.

Recycle as a Burger King ketchup baggie. (or would mayonnaise be better?)

Small animal muzzle.

Put them on your fingers & play proctologist.

Put them on your toes to make swim fins.

Draw eyeballs on them and make funny glasses.

Automatic door closing devices.

Have 'water' balloon fights.

Glue a bunch together and use to replace silicon breast implants.

Freeze them for an all- natural Popsicle.

Glue several together and sell as a "Stretch Man" toy.

Use for a Xmas stocking for those times when coal doesn't tell 'em just
how bad they screwed up this year.

Ear/nose plugs.

Use 365 of them to make into a tire, and call it a "Good Year".

Replace those old "Dr. Scholls" shoe cushions.

Feed them to your pet iguana, Clyde.

Paint scales on them & put them in a fish tank.

"I challenge you to a duel!"

Drain plugs.

Put them in with your tax return.

Go see "Saturday Night Fever" and throw them at the screen.

Punching bags.

Hang them on the blades of a ceiling fan.

Send 50 of them to your ex-girlfriend.

Novelty key rings.

Hang them all around your windshield and be a Chicano.

Spell "Happy Birthday" on a cake.

Break out your paints and make wax fruit.

Put them on your nipples and try to swing them in opposite directions.

Make a "water" bed.

Put your money in one. Nobody will steal it!

Stick one on the bridge of your nose and run around saying "Gobble Gobble".

2007-01-10 15:25:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Spell this before anyone else if you do it first then you win for the best answer here goes

dsjhfhflkgH'LKDJFLLKJDLFJSLFKdsklgjaslgjslkdgjoiegwlekgh

2007-01-10 15:24:31 · 15 answers · asked by jake r 1

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later of naughty fun, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

2007-01-10 15:24:17 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone
number, I dialed him -- and got a woman. "Is Mike there?" I asked.
"He's in the shower," she responded. "Please tell him his
girlfriend called," I said and hung up. When he didn't return the
call, I dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he
said. "You're not my boyfriend!" I exclaimed. "I know," he
replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the
past half-hour."
<>~<>~

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans...all for a dollar!!" Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those darn video cameras everywhere you look."

enjoy ^_^

2007-01-10 15:19:38 · 18 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

2007-01-10 15:11:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anshul S 1

anything freaky or hard to figure out. not something long or a story of some sort just a short and simple riddle

2007-01-10 14:59:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-10 14:48:56 · 20 answers · asked by Guy B 1

2007-01-10 14:42:49 · 11 answers · asked by soy sauce 1

because 7 8 9 now you tell a joke.

2007-01-10 14:35:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a picture riddle in front of me. It has a circle with ME written right beneath it. It is from the WHATZIT Game - I believe card 151. Please answer if you know it! THANKS!!

2007-01-10 14:30:29 · 8 answers · asked by slatey23 1

2007-01-10 14:20:53 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please don't delete this until you send it on,
Let's send it around the world.
FRIENDS ARE BORN, NOT MADE



This is a poem being sent from a Marine to his Dad.
For those who take the time to read it,
you'll see a letter from him to his Dad at the bottom.
It makes you truly thankful
for not only the Marines,
but ALL of our troops.

THE MARINE



We all came together,
Both young and old
To fight for our freedom,
To stand and be bold.



In the midst of all evil,
We stand our ground,
And we protect our country
From all terror around.



Peace and not war,
Is what some people say.
But I'll give my life,
So you can live the American way.



I give you the right
To talk of your peace.
To stand in your groups,
and protest in our streets.



But still I fight on,
I don't *****, I don't whine.
I'm just one of the people
Who is doing your time.



I'm harder than nails,
Stronger than any machine.
I'm the immortal soldier,
I'm a U.S. MARINE!


So stand in my shoes,
And leave from your home.
Fight for the people who hate you,
With the protests they've shown.
Fight for the stranger,
Fight for the young.
So they all may have,
The greatest freedom you've won.



Fight for the sick,
Fight for the poor
Fight for the cripple,
Who lives next door.


But when your time comes,
Do what I've done.
For if you stand up for freedom,
You'll stand when the fight's done.

By: Corporal Aaron M. Gilbert, US Marine Corps
USS SAIPAN, PERSIAN GULF

March 23, 2003
Hey Dad,
Do me a favor and label this "The Marine"
and send it to
everybody on your email list.
Even leave this letter in it.
I want this rolling all over the US ;
I want every home reading it.
Every eye seeing it.
And every heart to feel it.
So can you please send this for me?
I would but my email time isn't that long
and I don't have much time anyway.
You know what Dad?
I wondered what it would be like to truly understand
what JFK said in His inaugural speech.

"When the time comes to lay down my life for my country,
I do not cower from this responsibility.
I welcome it."
Well, now I know.
And I do. Dad, I welcome the opportunity to do what I do.
Even though I have left behind a beautiful wife,
and I will miss the birth of our first born child,
I would do it 70 times over to fight for
the place that God has made for my home.
I love you all and I miss you very much.
I wish I could be there when Sandi has our baby,
but tell her that I love her, and Lord willing,
I will be coming home soon.
Give Mom a great big hug from me and give one to yourself too.
Aaron

Please let this marine (and all our military)
know we care by passing his poem onto your friends
even if you don't usually take time to forward mail...do it this time!
Thanks,
If this touched you as much as it touched me,
please forward it on.
Let's help Aaron's dad spread the word ...
FREEDOM isn't FREE
someone pays for you and me.

2007-01-10 13:49:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-10 13:33:59 · 8 answers · asked by homersherrife 1

Rent -a- ____________________

2007-01-10 13:30:09 · 20 answers · asked by James M 5

what do you think about?

im usually good at this but one of my teachers always stares me down.. its kind of a joke because he is the funniest teacher in school and i never laugh at his jokes...but lately ive been laughing at aLL of them..

i need help!!! i wanna get back at him!!

TEACH ME HOW TO STARE SOMEONE DOWN!

2007-01-10 13:27:28 · 14 answers · asked by life_will_be_ok 4

would you answer the door?

2007-01-10 13:15:13 · 25 answers · asked by DOMINATUS 3

Im collecting them

2007-01-10 13:09:01 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Actually im supposed to figure out who it for homework but after a lot of reaseach i cant figure it out,aso can you help me?THANX..here it goes....

As words have been spoken
in legends of old
this wondrous seer
of welsh birth behold

The latinized version of his name
we must know
held in sanctity hes not
to this day, some grow cold

For the wizened regard him
as a fraud and a curse
while some others to hold him
in reverance due history

PS: please guys if you know WHO the peom or riddle is talking about can you tell me. and if you cant figure it out and want to know the rest of the riddle please email me cuz i cant type it all in here.thanx so much

2007-01-10 13:00:41 · 12 answers · asked by ♥D@t_bLaSiaN♥ 5

wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART

2007-01-10 12:34:09 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

2007-01-10 12:31:36 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone have any good ghost stories? No sick ones though (you know what I mean)

2007-01-10 12:29:54 · 7 answers · asked by Allie 2

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

2007-01-10 12:27:21 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I read something in class a paper report and studdered the Word the Diareha and i spoke some stuff in Indian Accent. I mean india indian.
I studdered words like bowels and said herpes out loud in class during the moment of silent reflection.
I made my 8th grade class laugh would this have made you class laugh

2007-01-10 12:15:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Any ideas?

2007-01-10 12:04:01 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Answer:

Take the 'S' out of sub and the 'F' out of way.

2007-01-10 12:00:58 · 5 answers · asked by thablaqwidow 2

A walrus walks into a bar. He says "I got no money but if you set up a round for everybody in the room, I'll play the Star Spangled Banner with my penis, on that piano in the corner." The bartender, always up for a giggle, agrees. So the walrus goes over and starts hammering away on that old piano. The patrons are gobsmacked. They've never seen anything like this before, a walrus pounding the keys with his doo-dah. He plays the quiet passages with a delicacy rarely witnessed in a human pianist. Just when he has the patrons where he wants them, he let’s fly with a thumping crescendo that sends the audience into a frenzy. As he plays the final notes, the room erupts in rapturous applause, followed by a standing ovation. After the excitement has died down, the walrus goes up to the bar to get his drink. The bartender turns to him with a smug look on his face and goes, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve walruses.”

Is this funny? Can you think of a better punchline? Is this enough questions?

2007-01-10 11:41:35 · 8 answers · asked by Dr Know It All 5

Just wanted a good laugh.

2007-01-10 11:30:41 · 6 answers · asked by pgw410 3

2007-01-10 11:27:13 · 1 answers · asked by binky10790 1

a recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where
they are in their menstrual cycle.
for example, when a woman is ovalating she will prefer a man with rugged ,masculine features.
however when she is menstruating , she prefers
a man






































DOUSED IN PETROL AND SET ON FIRE,WITH SCISSORS STUCK IN HIS EYE AND A CRICKET STUMP SHOVEDUP HIS AXSE

TRUE OR NOT
BE HONEST

2007-01-10 10:57:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous