Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

i got a dog that was already trained like it already knows how to like sit and come and stuff. irenamed him sitt but when i tell sitt to come he dosn't why dosn't he?

2007-01-11 05:54:32 · 12 answers · asked by watson101303 2

i have to solve a riddle to rearrange the following letters: S, R, M, J, M, N, H, O

2007-01-11 05:54:19 · 3 answers · asked by Jason S 1

said the man beside me is fumbling his crotch,one whispers to the other, just ignore it, she answers,that easy for you to say,"He using my hand."

2007-01-11 05:52:52 · 10 answers · asked by kman1830 5

if joes mother had 3 kids one named nickel and the other named dime, what would the third childs name be ?

2007-01-11 05:52:26 · 7 answers · asked by jay s 1

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the
> > pastor of a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing
> > $1000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he
> > watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the
> > distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until
> > the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
> >
> > "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the
> > collection plate," he stated.
> >
> > "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give
> > some of it to the church."
> >
> > The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
> >
> > The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
> >
> > The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do
> > for a living?"
> >
> > "He is a veterinarian, " she answered
> >
> > "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he
> > practice?"
> >
> > The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las
> > Vegas and one in Reno."

2007-01-11 05:49:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

where are the found?

2007-01-11 05:46:06 · 17 answers · asked by talofa lava 2

Q. What does a cow have four of that women have only two of?
A. Legs

Q. What is in men's pants that aren't in women's dresses?
A. Pockets

Q. What does a dog do that a man steps into?
A. Pants

Q. What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
A. A coconut

Q. What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
A. Bubble gum.

Q. What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
A. Shake hands

Q.What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
A. Firetruck

2007-01-11 05:43:29 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.) a cow was in ur house?

2.)if u suddenly realize u wer alive? (lol)

3.)ur girlfrend was ur long lost cousin?

2007-01-11 05:43:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

You bought two oranges for your kid and her friend .Now comes your stepsisters child also need half of an orange.What you must do to ensure your kid gets more share in a non cruel way.

2007-01-11 05:42:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a mouth, but cannot talk, I always run, but never walk

2007-01-11 05:42:18 · 5 answers · asked by Myrtle 3

jaws comes pushing through the door.
"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.
The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"
Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

2007-01-11 05:40:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman comes home one day and starts looking for her husband. She hears faint crying and goes towards it. She finds her husband in the corner, crying his eyes out. Wife says,"Honey, what's wrong?" Husband says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when your father told me to marry you or he'd send me to jail?" Wife nods her head. Husband says, " I would have gotten out today!"

2007-01-11 05:38:18 · 6 answers · asked by Jess 2

2007-01-11 05:37:19 · 5 answers · asked by zatarav 1

A man is replacing a wheel of his car. He suddenly realizes that he has lost the four nuts needed to hold in on. Then a passer-by comes up with a speedy solution that doesn't involve buying more nut.

2007-01-11 05:32:27 · 5 answers · asked by Myrtle 3

............ her legs .... boom boom !

2007-01-11 05:23:22 · 20 answers · asked by jizzumonkey 6

All three of them are dead.The cabin is locked from the inside.How did they die?

2007-01-11 05:21:31 · 14 answers · asked by Myrtle 3

Bill went out to buy golf equipment.Bill spent $5 at 1st store, half of what was left + $4 at 2nd store,at 3rd store he spent half of remainder + $3. He then had $5 left to buy golf balls. How mauch ,money did he start out with?

2007-01-11 05:20:02 · 5 answers · asked by lisa g 1

3 nuns go to heaven.
They get to the pearly gates and St Peter says,
"my sacred sisters, you must confess your sins before entering the house of the Lord."
The first nun says
"Bless me father for I have sinned. I saw the priests willy and I really enjoyed looking."
St Peter says
"Go and rinse your eyes in the holy fountain and you will be welcomed to the house of the Lord".
Whilst Peter is making sure she rinses her eyes properly the other two nuns start fighting.
"Sisters sisters" he says "stop this fighting, their is room for us all in the house of the lord, tell me, what is going on?"
The third nun says
"I want to rinse my mouth out in the holy fountain before sister Matilda rinses her as* hole..;.

2007-01-11 05:11:11 · 10 answers · asked by Ali 3

2007-01-11 05:08:46 · 10 answers · asked by nullifie 1

john came to father at church and said, "father. i've been living with a curse for over forty years."
father : "that's sad. but i can free u of your curse if u can tell me the exact words used to give u the curse."
john : "done, father.
i remember exactly. the words were
Now I pronounce you both Husband and Wife."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Friendship among women :
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband that she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.
Friendship among men :
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

2007-01-11 04:57:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Theres this nun, and she's having a bath and a knock comes at the door, she says "who is it?" and the reply comes "Its the blind man, can i come in?" she thinks for a second and says "Alright then come in". So this chap comes in and says, "Nice ****, now where do you want me to hang the blind"

2007-01-11 04:54:07 · 23 answers · asked by Cap10kirk 3

2007-01-11 04:29:34 · 32 answers · asked by stanlucky77 1

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "

2007-01-11 04:28:05 · 18 answers · asked by Mrs. Hofmann :) <3 2

OK this was on the radio this morning:

A child gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver. The child starts saying, rather loudly, if my mom was a cow and my dad was bull I would be a little baby bull. The bus driver then turns around and tells the kid to be quieter, teh kid responds by saying if my mom was a girl elephant and my dad was a boy elephant, I would be a little baby elephant. The boy continued this for several minutes, saying what he would be if his parents were different animals. Finally the angry bus driver turned around and shouted, if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute, what would you be?! The boy smiled and look at the bus driver and said,
Then I would be a bus driver.

If this offends anyone, I am sorry, I juts wnat to know who else thinks this is funny.

2007-01-11 04:24:34 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

i hear people makin fun of each other calling eachother dushbag, what is it?

2007-01-11 04:23:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

three nuns died and went to heaven.
standin at the gates st peter was there he said
"to get in u must answer one question each"
so they all argeed
he asked the 1st nun
what was the first female to walk the planet?
nun1: eve
yes go in
he asked the second nun
where did eve live?
nun2:the garden of eden
yes go on in
he asked the 3 nun
what was her first words to adam?
nun3 ooooo thats a hard one

yes go on in

2007-01-11 04:15:44 · 18 answers · asked by Break Me Down 2

Dilly Deliveries has a new peculiar route. The driver has to deliver packages to 8 places shown below. He does not need to visit them in logical order.

Green Grocer Troys Toys Tourist Travel Myers Tires

Melodys Music Hanks Bank Peters Pets Reta Restaurant

North
^
W E
S
Instead, the driver is to follow the directions listed here. Number the businesses above in order in which they should be visited. Find the number of packages to be delivered.

1. the second delivery is directly north of the first delivery and has one fewer package than the first.
2. Melody music needs all five packages deliveredd by 11:00 AM
3. By the time the paper work is completed, the packages ver

2007-01-11 04:07:22 · 4 answers · asked by Hardcore 3

2007-01-11 04:07:07 · 8 answers · asked by TJ 1

What are the three problems with being a d***? You have an eye you can't see out of, you have two neighbors that are nuts and an a**hole around the corner.

2007-01-11 04:06:57 · 10 answers · asked by ~dreamvette~ 5

It was a hot day in Minnesota.

Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hotter dan hell today," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed a tavern and thought , "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer." "Anheuser Busch?" the bartender asked. Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?"

2007-01-11 04:06:32 · 6 answers · asked by blisstar 3