Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

2007-01-11 09:48:16 · 13 answers · asked by limallama 4

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

2007-01-11 09:40:25 · 45 answers · asked by Tink 5

my flight was being served by a gay flight attendant who put everyone in a good mood as he served their food. As the plane prepared to descend he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly so lovely people could you please put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle he noticed that a well dressed Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle."Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but i asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty pat us on the ground"
She calmly turned her head and said" I am a princess in my own country and i take orders from no one"
To which he replied
"Ok then sweet cheeks in my country i am called a queen and i outrank you so tray up B.i.t.c.h.

2007-01-11 09:36:33 · 25 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2007-01-11 09:35:43 · 31 answers · asked by Jack Sprat 1

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.

She went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news". The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?

2007-01-11 09:33:22 · 16 answers · asked by Tink 5

The man who invented cat's eyes in the road had the idea when he was driving and saw the reflection of an actual cat's eye in his headlights.If the cat had been walking away from him he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

2007-01-11 09:32:02 · 11 answers · asked by matured 3

2007-01-11 09:21:35 · 10 answers · asked by TNL 4

Who's the Boss?

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the a--hole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the a--hole became mad and closed up.

After a few days...

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the a--hole boss.

This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...

Just an A--hole.

2007-01-11 09:20:53 · 20 answers · asked by Tink 5

PayDay? Zero? Chunky? Hershey with no nuts?

2007-01-11 09:14:44 · 27 answers · asked by Johnny Corndrink 3

A farmer bought a rooster for his hens one day, but when he turned the rooster loose it began doing what comes natural,but not only to the other chickens but to all the other farm animals as well. This strange activity went on for several days and finnally one morning the farmer seen the rooster laying on the ground still as could be then the farmer walked up to the rooster and said " rooster, I knew if you kept this up you would end up screwing yourself to death.Just then the rooster whispered as he is pointing to the sky "shhh, crows".

2007-01-11 09:07:01 · 4 answers · asked by onenotchoff 1

2007-01-11 09:00:59 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27.

She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty.

"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

2007-01-11 08:59:46 · 21 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-01-11 08:58:29 · 4 answers · asked by dabigdoggy 1

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to

get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified

by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labelled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed

WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice

feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.

A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent ofspring flower to his unbelievable

pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is

tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its

pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he >>>exclaimed.

The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

"The ATR button is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!

MEN NEVER LISTEN!!!

2007-01-11 08:57:55 · 30 answers · asked by Tink 5

I can't think of any.

2007-01-11 08:54:39 · 41 answers · asked by Steven C 1

Just trying to straighten out my thoughts. I'm a writer trying to build up her mind for the final scene in a story. For some reason this popped into my head. Well, I posted it to try to clear my mind...wait, no, it didn't work.

2007-01-11 08:52:31 · 6 answers · asked by Rainsfriend 2

A man in a bar
has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.


"But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the
customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said
you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man then goes outside
and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of
whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in,
orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies,
"Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The
customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free
drinks.The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny
thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid,
and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is
going to get his ***...."

The man interrupts, "Don't
bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be
on my way."

2007-01-11 08:52:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

LOL I'M REALLY BORED SO I THOUGHT OF SOMETHING I'M GOING TO START DOING. I WILL ASK A QUESTION EACH DAY; ABOUT ANY RANDOM THING. THE NEXT DAY I WILL ANSWER IT. THE BEST ANSWER WILL BE THE FIRST RIGHT ANSWER, AND IF NONE THEN I WILL PICK THE CLOSEST. IF YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THEN YOU MAY EMAIL ME AT DREWFULLER09@YAHOO.COM. TODAY'S QUESTION IS:

WHAT ARE THE SEVEN SINS?



IF SOMEONE ANSWERS THIS IN 10 MINUTES THEN THEY AUTOMATICALLY WIN AND I WILL PICK THEIR ANSWER AS THE BEST. I WILL PROBALY POST ANOTHER TOOO!


CHARMED FANS!!!!!!!!! THIS IS EASY! LOL
IT WAS WITH PRUE! IN SIN CITY EPISODE I THINK? I WILL GIVE 20 MIN FOR PEOPLE TO ANSWER AND I'LL CHECK TO SEE IF THERE IS A RIGHT ANSWER, IF NONE THEN I'LL PICK THE BEST ANSWER TOMMORROW MORNING, IF I HAVE A CHANCE, IF NOT AROUND 4:50! LOL GIVE IT YOUR BEST SHOT!

2007-01-11 08:49:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-11 08:47:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

the sun

you cant see winnipeg(uless thats were you live)

lol

2007-01-11 08:47:11 · 8 answers · asked by bananananana 3

2007-01-11 08:46:35 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

One c*ck and she's ready to blow.

2007-01-11 08:40:37 · 8 answers · asked by Jessica T 2

when i was at school two of my friends were playing a game and one was losing so when the other was about to win he slammed down on the one that was gonna wins keyboard the screen turned black and then came back on at a 90 degree angle i learned that it was control+alt+right or left or down or up, but i want to do it on mine

does anyone know how to rate the screen on a FUSE MONITOR that i got from an ACER COMPUTER i dont know the model but its silver has fuse at the top a f at the bottom a menu ,\/, /\, auto, and power button

2007-01-11 08:37:28 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-11 08:35:51 · 9 answers · asked by ROY H 1

In bygone days when being homosexual was a crime (funnily enough it still is on the Isle of MAN, now theres a joke in itself) anyway,Pc plod was chasing two gay boys through the streets when they ducked into an alleyway, our brave homophobic plod gave chase, suddenly one of them tripped over a dustbin and quick as a striking slug plod had him pressed against a wall demanding to know where his friend was,the man stammered that he had no idea where his friend had got to so plod whips out his truncheon and, waving it threateningly shouts "When I find your bum chum I will shove this truncheon straight up his........COOOEEE I'M IN THE DUSTBIN!!!

2007-01-11 08:35:38 · 10 answers · asked by abraxas5597 2

2007-01-11 08:26:59 · 23 answers · asked by mimi2424 2

it might take a couple seconds---

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

2007-01-11 08:26:58 · 12 answers · asked by PrinceKattJohnnyDepp 2

2007-01-11 08:21:05 · 34 answers · asked by Crystal 4

If you come up with the funniest joke then you get best answer.

2007-01-11 08:17:23 · 21 answers · asked by jake r 1

Half of Four of us are Two of us, Twice Two of us are Six of us, Twice Eight of us are Ten of us, and Twice Five of us are Eight of us?

2007-01-11 08:11:24 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous