Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

DFAERMLERL

2007-01-11 07:59:19 · 9 answers · asked by ella511 1

This couple has been married for 20 years now and have begun to realize that their marriage is on the rocks. They decide to go to a marriage counselor to patch things up. While there, the counselor asks the wife,
"So, after 20 years of marriage, what do you and your husband have in common?"
She thinks for a few moments, glances at her husband, and then at the ceiling and finally says, "Wow...I haven't really thought about it. I can't think of anything."
The counselor says, "That's fine. That's what we're here for." He turns to the husband and asks the same question: "So, what do you and your wife have in common after 20 years of marriage?"
The husband quickly glances at his wife and gives her this wry smile and says "We both don't suck d***!"

2007-01-11 07:58:47 · 12 answers · asked by scoobydoo316316 3

2007-01-11 07:56:23 · 6 answers · asked by Made in America 7

A woman tells her children to do something, but just one boy obeys. The woman says something to him, and he stomps away, sits down, and sulks.
What is going on here?

2007-01-11 07:54:16 · 4 answers · asked by missmozee 3

10 pts 4 the 1st right ans

2007-01-11 07:53:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple goes to a movie. During the movie the husband strangles his wife and kills her. He is able to get her body home without attracting attention.
How so?

2007-01-11 07:52:06 · 10 answers · asked by missmozee 3

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

2007-01-11 07:48:37 · 23 answers · asked by Jessica T 2

Why did the pervert cross the road???

2007-01-11 07:47:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-11 07:46:44 · 4 answers · asked by onenotchoff 1

(When and where am I supposed to give the answer if no one gets it? I'm new here.)

2007-01-11 07:46:36 · 27 answers · asked by Made in America 7

You looked a lot like my wife
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

2007-01-11 07:40:58 · 12 answers · asked by mrs microchipper 2

An eight-year-old boy went into a grocery store and picked out a large box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. "Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the grocer. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it. A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The grocer said he was sorry, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." "Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." "Oh? What was it then?" "I think it was the spin cycle!"

2007-01-11 07:38:34 · 26 answers · asked by mrs microchipper 2

What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
About 45 lbs.
What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 45 minutes.

2007-01-11 07:37:56 · 11 answers · asked by Jessica T 2

You can't bring that dog in this bar
A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?"

2007-01-11 07:37:08 · 4 answers · asked by mrs microchipper 2

10 pts 4 the 1st correct ans.

2007-01-11 07:36:34 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

.....

2007-01-11 07:33:50 · 8 answers · asked by D H 1

Personally I like this joke but no one else I've spoken to thinks it's very funny.

A man goes to see his soliciter and complains "I have a problem, some little blue men are living in my shoes."
The soliciter replies, "that sounds more like a case for your psychiatrist, why have you come to me?"
The man explains, "because they won't pay their rent."

2007-01-11 07:30:55 · 17 answers · asked by Kate 4

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."

2007-01-11 07:30:50 · 10 answers · asked by Made in America 7

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," he replied, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

2007-01-11 07:30:47 · 5 answers · asked by Fayte 1

Why did the raccoon cross the road?





Because it was stapled to the chicken

2007-01-11 07:30:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

2007-01-11 07:22:49 · 5 answers · asked by Made in America 7

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

2007-01-11 07:21:34 · 6 answers · asked by Made in America 7

A feller goes to the doctors the doctor says"hello what can i do for you?" to which the man replies in an embarrased tone "I cant tell you it's too embarrassing" to which the doc says"I have been in the medical proffession for so long I no longer get embarrassed or shocked by my patients" so the man drops his trousers and turns round to show the doctor his bum hole, which was battered and bruised and about two foot wide. "jesus christ!!"said the doctor "what on gods earth happened to yer A-hole???" the man replied "I was on safari in africa and in the night I was unfortunate enough to be raped by an elephant" the doctor scratches his head and says"but I have allways been under the impression an elephants penis was very long and very thin,not two foot wide" " I know said the feller but the bast4rd fingered me first"

2007-01-11 07:21:19 · 11 answers · asked by t00t5 2

I know it's a stupid question, but it's one of them that get's people thinking.

2007-01-11 07:21:12 · 12 answers · asked by abbates79 1

Five patients, all potential blood donors, are waiting in the doctor's surgery and are sitting on the bench from left to right. Can you determine the position of each patient along with their blood group, age, height and weight?
•The person on the far right is 37 years older than Jason, and is 60 inches tall.
•Jason weighs 56 pounds more than his height.
•Alan weighs 75 pounds and is 74 inches tall.
•John is type AB and weighs 56 pounds less than Jason.
•The person in the centre is 9 years old, is blood type AO and weighs 96 pounds.
•Adam, who is the first, is 65 inches tall, and weighs 100 pounds more than his height.
•The person, who is blood type O, is 25 years older than the person to the left of them.
•Kevin is 60 years old.
•The person, who is blood type A, is 55 years younger than Kevin and is not next to the person who is type AO.
•The person who is next to the 9 year old but not next to the person who is 65 inches tall, is blood type B, and weighs 125 pounds

2007-01-11 07:18:06 · 3 answers · asked by DieHardFan 1

2007-01-11 07:14:49 · 12 answers · asked by *********** 4

about the spastic going to the ice cream van
he ask can I have a ice cream cone please
the ice cream man asks what flavour
spastic replys it does not matter I will drop it anyway

2007-01-11 07:14:22 · 11 answers · asked by mr smidgey 2

2007-01-11 07:06:01 · 4 answers · asked by moonlightkitten 2

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

2007-01-11 07:02:48 · 4 answers · asked by Made in America 7

Do you know any jokes and especially dirty ones??

2007-01-11 07:01:52 · 8 answers · asked by Cathy 4