Any jokes?

Question

Do you know any jokes and especially dirty ones??

Answer 1

sure.

I don't know if you've heard this one or yet but
Guy and wife fighting over custody for child man says if i put a dollar in a coke machine and a coke comes out is it the coke machine's or mine?

Answer 2

what goes in long and hard and comes out wet? a piece of bubble gum.

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

Hillary Clinton's OB-GYN

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end. Finally, she hears Bill's voice.

"Who is this?''

Answer 3

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.

She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.

The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."

The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.

Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.

He told her to climb again and she did.

when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."

The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"

Answer 4

i like "little mary jane" jokes.

one day little mary jane was standing at the bus stop when a strange man came up to her and started rummaging through her panties. but little mary jane just laughed and laughed, because she knew that money was in her socks.

little mary jane was sitting up in the tree one day when a little boy came by and started looking up her skirt trying to see her panties. but little mary jane just laughed and laughed, because she knew she wasn't wearing any.

Answer 5

a white horse fell in the mud

Answer 6

once they opened a new city but its citizens disagreed on its name,so they agreed that eachone writes a name in a piece of paper and then mix them and pick one whatever the name was.
One of them was bored so he wrote (my @ss) and when they picked a paper...yup the one with (my @ss) on was picked.so that was the name of the city.
After a while,one guy named Jack came to this city and went to buy a shirt from a store.after he saw the shirt he wanted,he said"The price is very expensive"so the shopkeeper replied"If you went through my @ss you wont find any cheaper!"
Jack left with a frown on his face,thinking that he was made fun of.So he asked a taxi driver"Where is a store with very low prices?"the driver replies"There,west of my @ss!"Jack had ENOUGH and went to report to the police department.
Jack says to a policeman"The keeper says to me if you went through my @ss you wont find any cheaper..and the driver told me west of my @ss...wtf...where the hell am I??!?!?!" The policeman replied"You are in the middle of my @ss!"
Jack was VERY upset and decided to report to the mare,when he entered he said"I am Jack Maghnie,a very successful business man,I am a visiter in this..quite weird city"So the mare replies"Welcome..you lightned my @ss"
Jack was at wits end and EXTREMELY angry and decided that this time,he would speak to the president himself!
After he waited and was searched,they let him meet the president.Jack said"This is UNBELIEVABLE!I am one of the MOST successful business men and someone says to ME walk through my @ss,west of my @ss,MIDDLE of my @ss and the MARE says you lightened my @ss?!?!?!? this is just unbelievable!!!!So the president replies"its allright...its ok..it looks like this is the first time you enter my @ss!!!!!!


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Another jonny joke,once he saw his father shaving,he decided to jump on him.So when he did,his dad cut himself and said "sh!t!!".Jonny asked 'Daddy,what does sh!t mean?' The father got confused and said 'To shave'.
Then jonny went to the backyard.He saw his mother plucking the feathers of the chicken and decided to jump on her as well..his mother was very frightened and screamed 'f**k!'.Jonny asked 'whats does f**k mean?' His mother replied 'It means,uh,to pluck a chicken'
After a while the doorbell rings and jonny opens the door.A man says 'Hello,where are mommy and daddy?' Jonny replies 'Dad is sh!tting and mom is f**king the chicken,can i take a massage?'

Answer 7

HERE

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."









The teacher says, "Okay, class, we're going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

Claude says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Claude."

Mary says, "The sky is very dark... perhaps it's going to rain." The teacher says, "Very good, Mary."

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano."






Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."


A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Answer 8

my pic. im a girl !