Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Jack and Jill went up the hill
they each had a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
--- ----- ---- ---- -- -- -----?


10 pts for the right answer.

2007-01-11 06:59:49 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

the wheelchair

2007-01-11 06:58:54 · 13 answers · asked by mr smidgey 2

Father O'Mally is preparing for his surmon on the 10 commandments when he sees Murphy walk in and sit in the back. Murphy's never been to mass in his 33 years, so after the service Father O'Mally goes to Murphy.
"Murphy me boy, I've naught seen you in service once! What made you come in today?"
"Well Father" says Murphy "I must confess, I only came because I misplaced me hat a week ago and it's me favorite hat. The next day I noticed Flannery had a hat that looked just like the one I'd lost! So, knowing that Flannery never misses a Mass, and knowing he'd have to take his hat off and likely leave it near the back, I'd planned to wait till the Sermon was in progress and take me hat back, but you're surmon made me change my mind."
"Oh" Father said knowingly, "so when I was talking about Thou Shall Not Steal I touched upon your conscience, eh?"
"No Father" says Murphy "when you were talking about Thou Shall Not Commit Adultry 'twas when I remembered where I'd misplaced me hat!"

2007-01-11 06:55:37 · 7 answers · asked by Fayte 1

2007-01-11 06:49:25 · 13 answers · asked by chesscoach 2

ill give u 3 hints:
1. its a food/dessert/drink
2. its yellow
3. it comes in a box

2007-01-11 06:48:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.coca-cola.com/icokeplatform/home.htm?scid=stage&cid=150002&sid=150856&lang=en_US

Watch the above free cool 45 sec. film and tell me what the next stop should be. Best answer gets the ten points.

2007-01-11 06:43:48 · 11 answers · asked by James M 5

2 fish in a tank, one turns to the other and says____________?

i'll either give 10 points to the first to get it right, or the one who comes up with the best/funniest answer.

2007-01-11 06:42:56 · 33 answers · asked by Psychodelic Chicken 5

His ATM
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card, and receipt
5. Drive away

Her ATM
1. Pull-up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're to far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Locate grocery receipt in purse with PIN #
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Reenter Correct PIN #
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Go through purse for ink pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Study instructions again
18. Endorse check
19. Make deposit
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get back into car
22. Check makeup in mirror
23. Look for keys in purse
24. Start car
25. Check makeup again
26. Start pulling away from ATM
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Retrieve card and receipt
31. Get back into car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposit and withdrawal into checkbook
35. Clear space in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles down the road
41. Release the parking brake

2007-01-11 06:40:28 · 3 answers · asked by Made in America 7

Young boy named Mignon went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, I've got such an unusual name and my friends tease me about it, is there a reason for it?"

Dad answers "Well son, the day u were made, your mom and I went to this nice restaurant and we had their Fillet Mignon...I still blame the fish..."

2007-01-11 06:40:26 · 7 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

K9P

2007-01-11 06:36:31 · 3 answers · asked by Made in America 7

It scares the hell out of the dog.

2007-01-11 06:34:55 · 4 answers · asked by Made in America 7

weekend. As they were getting ready to go, the girl came downstairs dressed in short shorts and a spaghetti string top.
An anticipated fight broke out between her and the husband over her inappropriate attire. In order to keep the peace, the mother stepped in and reminded her husband that when they were young she had dressed the same way, it was the style.
He said, "Yeah! Well if you remember right I had something to say about that, too!"
"Yes dear," she said, "you did...you asked me for my phone number!"

2007-01-11 06:29:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, " I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!" The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.Her girlfriend said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back."What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady said " That M.F. had $500 in quarters!"

2007-01-11 06:26:06 · 3 answers · asked by Rod Rod Go 6

man walked into a bar with a giraffe.man says ''pint for me and one for lofty''this goes on all night and on closing time they are both drunk.as they walk out the giraffe falls over but the man starts to walk outta the door.the barman says''oy mate you aint leaving that lying there''pointing at the giraffe.the man says ''it aint a lion its a giraffe''

2007-01-11 06:25:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

wears a watch.
The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?"
The man responds, "I use it to tell time."
As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?"
The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud.
Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, "What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"

2007-01-11 06:19:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at
the pearly gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must
each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a
lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you
may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets
and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked,
"And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols".

2007-01-11 06:14:22 · 8 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

1 - People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 - People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 - When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 - When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 - When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 - People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

2007-01-11 06:12:25 · 3 answers · asked by Maverick 6

to get a better grip on the broom.

2007-01-11 06:09:05 · 6 answers · asked by mud 1

none, it should be opened before she brings it to him.

payback for the men bashing jokes.

2007-01-11 06:07:34 · 17 answers · asked by mud 1

One day a man
walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box and out popped a
leprechaun. The man told the bartender, "I want a Rolling Rock and a
shot of whiskey for my buddy here."

There was man sitting at
the end of the bar watching all of this and, after the leprechaun drank his
shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's
face. Then he ran back.

The guy with the box said, "I'll have
another Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."


After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the
end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.

The
guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the
leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he
ran down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him
and he grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.

He said,
"If you spit in my face again, I'm going to cut your pecker off."


The leprechaun laughed and said, "Leprechauns don't have
peckers."

Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers,
then how do you pee?"

"By spitting," said the
leprechaun.

2007-01-11 06:07:19 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

And by digits, I mean the numbers 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,and 9. You can use multiplication signs, addition, etc.

2007-01-11 06:04:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

lousy, but the audience changed weekly, so he could do the same tricks over and over.
There was just one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand the tricks. So in the middle of the show, the parrot would shout:
'Look, it's not the same hat!'
'Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!'
'Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?'
Harry was furious but couldn't do anything since it was the captain's parrot.
Two weeks later, the ship sank. Harry saved himself by clinging to a piece of wood ... with the parrot perched on the other end.
Magician and parrot stared at each other with hatred for several days, but did not utter a single word.
After a week the parrot finally said: 'Okay, I give up. What did you do with the boat?'

2007-01-11 06:03:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman at a
party walked up to a man and told him, ''If you were my husband I would
poison your drink." The man replied, ''If you were my wife I would
drink it.''

2007-01-11 06:02:54 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You’ve been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head."

2007-01-11 06:01:55 · 9 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A guy named Mike goes to a local brothel and requests to see Cindy. Everyone is surprised, because Cindy is very, very expensive to rent out. She charges $1,000 per night. But to everyone's surprise, he takes out $1K and spends the night with Cindy.

The next night, Mike came back again and asks to see Cindy. Once again, he spends the night with her for $1K.

(the same thing happens the third night)

The fourth day, Cindy gets a phone call from Mike's friend, who just happens to know Cindy, also. "Hey, Cindy, it's Paul," the guy said.

"You won't believe this," Cindy said. "Some guy came three nights in a row and ended up giving me $3,000 dollars!"

"Oh, good," Paul said, "So he gave you the money I owed you."

2007-01-11 05:58:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvvFeRzMq0CrlDvOc855QQoezKIX?qid=20070111105432AADAy33

2007-01-11 05:58:28 · 4 answers · asked by Joni J 6

2007-01-11 05:56:33 · 6 answers · asked by watson101303 2

Dilly Deliveries has a new peculiar route. The driver has to deliver packages to 8 places shown below. He does not need to visit them in logical order.

Below this is how the buildings are actual are. The green grocer then troys toys etc on the top street. The street below is melodys music then hanks bank, etc

Green Grocer - Troys Toys - Tourist Travel - Myers Tires


Melodys Music - Hanks Bank - Peters Pets - Reta Restaurant

North is up west is right east is left is weast and south is down

Instead, the driver is to follow the directions listed here. Number the businesses above in order in which they should be visited. Find the number of packages to be delivered.

1. the second delivery is directly north of the first delivery and has one fewer package than the first.
2. Melody music needs all five packages deliveredd by 11:00 AM
3. By the time the paper work is completed, the packages verified, and greetings exchanged between driver and the recipient, each delivery takes 15 minutes.
4. the bank is never the last delivery. it always receives 4 packages.
5. troys toys has the most packages of all. His delivery will contain as many packages as all others combined.
6. Pete’s deliveries are live animals which need to be unloaded first when the store opens at 9:30 AM.
7. The fourth delivery is directly east of the first delivery and contains twice the number of packages.
8. The travel agency and the pet store combined are to receive the same number of packages as the music store.
9. The fifth delivery contains three boxes.
10. The third delivery is two stores west of the second.
11. The tire store, the grocer, and pet store will all have the same number of packages. They are the only ones with the same amount.

2007-01-11 05:55:52 · 7 answers · asked by Hardcore 3

slow poke

2007-01-11 05:55:29 · 11 answers · asked by mud 1

my co-worker claims to have seen these so called "cat people" that wear cat ear hats and have a tail and painted wiskers on there face. can anyone else validate these claims?

2007-01-11 05:54:34 · 5 answers · asked by talofa lava 2