Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

2007-01-11 11:03:33 · 10 answers · asked by jeffylynne 1

ok there are 3 girls...
1 was a blonde, a brown haired one, and one was a red head.
They were all lined up for execution.

The red head was first....
When the guys with guns yelled: 1..2...3...
She screamed: Hurricane!!!!
and the guys all ran for their lives.

The brown haired girl was next.
When the guys with guns yelled: 1...2...3...
She screamed: Tornado!!!
and the guys ran for their lives....

The blonde was last and when the guys with guns yelled
1....2.....3....
She screamed: FIRE!!!!
and she died...

2007-01-11 11:02:22 · 10 answers · asked by Here I come I am cinnamon 4

Anyone from another planet please don't give them the answer.

If *#../A = stupid, and ?*te3 = humans; what does *#../A plus ?*te3 equal?

2007-01-11 11:01:40 · 27 answers · asked by kasar777 3

1. When a man faints, what number will restore him?

2. Which number is greater - six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen?

3. When do 2 and 2 make more than 4?

4. If 2 is company and 3 is a crowd, what are 4 and 5?

5. Why is 2 times 10 the same as 2 times 11?

6. How many times may 20 be subtracted from 100?

7. If I dig a hole 2 feet square and 2 feet deep, how much dirt is in the hole?

8. Make five less by adding to it.

9. Behead forty and leave fifty.

10. What is the difference between 100 and 1000?

11. How long will an 8 day clock run without winding?

12. From what number can you take half and leave nothing?

13. Why should the number 288 never be spoken in refined company?

14. If a man gives one son fifteen cents and another ten cents, what time would it be?

15. A farmer combined 2 compost heaps with 3 others. How many compost heaps does he have?

16. Take ten from nine and leave only yourself.

17. What would you add to nine to make six?

18. Why is the number 9 like a peacock?

19. Take 2 letters from a 5 letter word and have one left.

20. What is the longest sentence in the world?

2007-01-11 11:01:28 · 2 answers · asked by limallama 4

2007-01-11 10:59:06 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man went for a job in a stables.....They wanted someone to shoe the horses.
The boss said " well now Paddy ,have you had experience with shoeing horses"?
"well" said Paddy

"I once told a pony to f*ck off"

2007-01-11 10:57:20 · 19 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2007-01-11 10:49:55 · 8 answers · asked by Plato 5

thanks if you help!

2007-01-11 10:48:42 · 2 answers · asked by awesome person 2

2007-01-11 10:47:17 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A PIKEY!

2007-01-11 10:44:21 · 11 answers · asked by jabelite 3

Answer- One has a hole full of soap the other has a soul full of hope!

2007-01-11 10:39:33 · 14 answers · asked by Plato 5

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse **** onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse **** from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

2007-01-11 10:37:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Shouted the blonde.

"Don't you mean Raped" asked the policeman

"no"replied the blonde

"There was a Bunch of them"

2007-01-11 10:36:11 · 11 answers · asked by jabelite 3

Paddy meets up with a girl at a bar & they end up at her place. After a night of torrid sex, Paddy wakes up next morning & starts to get dressed. As he's doing so, he notices a photo of a man on the dresser.The man looks very young and fit & Paddy starts to worry that he might be a jealous boyfriend or husband.The girl is waking up, so Paddy says to her,"Excuse me, but who's that a photo of?" "It's not your husband is it?"
"Oh no," replies the girl."That was me before the operation." :)
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A woman is standing in her front garden talking to her friend when she notices her husband coming home carrying a bunch of flowers.
"Isn't that nice...he's bringing you a bouquet!"
The woman replies, "Yeah great. That means another weekend flat on my back with my feet in the air".
The friend says "What's the matter?Don't you have a vase?"
<>
You know when you husband comes home&says "I was thinking about you&got you these flowers." What he really means is that he fancies the flower seller.

2007-01-11 10:32:51 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man who lived in a small town married 20 different women who all lived in teh same town. All are still living and he never divorced a single one yet broke no law. WTF?

2007-01-11 10:32:10 · 11 answers · asked by this isnt how i really look 1

there were 3 men in a plane...one was a native american, a french guy, and an american dude. They carried items on the plane. The native american had an orange, the french guy had an apple, and the american dude had a bomb...they threw their items out the emergency exit to see where they would land. when they landed they went out to explore. When the native american was joggin in a park he saw a little girl crying and asked: why are you crying? She said: an orange was flying across the sky and hit my head. And so he ran away. The french guy came out of a bakery and saw a little boy crying and asked why are you crying? He said: an apple was flying across the scy and it hit my head. So he ran away. Then the american dude came outta a supermarket and saw a little boy rolling on the ground and laughing so he asked: why are u laughing? He answered: a little old lady was putting away her groceries and then i farted and she exploded!

2007-01-11 10:29:42 · 17 answers · asked by Here I come I am cinnamon 4

A cyndicate of six gypsys won 3 million on the National Lottery
When they asked Camelot to be paid in Cash and were refused.
They then asked to be paid out in.














TRAVELLERS CHEQUES...................................

2007-01-11 10:28:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-01-11 10:23:35 · 9 answers · asked by Plato 5

The film had only been on 10mins when a woman came rushing out into the foyer of the cinema looking very upset. "I've been interfered with," she complainted to the manager. He eventually managed to calm her down and took her to another part of the cinema. However, a short time later another woman ran out complaining of the same thing.This was too much for the manager so he took his torch and went to investigate. Lo and behold the torch picked up a bald-headed man crawling on all fours. "What's going on?" he demanded.
"I've lost my hairpiece" said the man.."I put my hand on it twice but it got away."
<>
It's a very windy day & a little old lady is in the street holding on to her hat with both hands.A gust of wind blows up her skirt revealing she had no underwear on and she's arrested for indecent exposure.The judge says,"Madam you should be ashamed of yourself! letting your skirt blow up around you.
"Why should I be?" Everything under my skirt is 80yrs old- that hat was brand new!"

2007-01-11 10:23:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A test too far for some!


How's your aging intelligence? Take the following test
(5 questions) here and determine if you are losing it
or are still "with it." The spaces are so you don't
see the answers until you have made your own....

OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.


1. What do you put in a toaster?











A. The answer is "bread." If you said "toast," then
give up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt
yourself.

If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.


2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do
cows drink?











Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please
do not attempt the next question. Your brain is
obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may
be that you need to content yourself with reading
something more appropriate such as "Children's World."


If you said, "water" then proceed to Question 3.


3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue
house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is
made from pink bricks and a black house is made from
black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?










Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said
"green bricks," what the devil are you still doing
here reading these questions??
If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.


4. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a degree
every minute then how many degrees will the hour hand
move in one hour?














Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or
anything other than "one degree," you are to be
congratulated on getting this far, but you are
obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and
exit the room.


Everyone else proceed to the final question.!


5. Without using a calculator -- You are driving a bus
from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17
people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off
the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people
get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off
and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off
and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get
off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford
Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?













Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember?
YOU are the driver!


Now pass this along to all your "friends" and hope
they do better than you did!

2007-01-11 10:21:26 · 30 answers · asked by Tink 5

whoever answers it right first gets best answer..........

A woman shoots her husband.
Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him.
But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

2007-01-11 10:18:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need good jokes for this project in school

2007-01-11 10:16:02 · 6 answers · asked by rkhomyakova 1

Whoever gets it right first i will give best answer to..........................

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, "If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50."

The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes he'll just say he weighs more or less.

In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?

2007-01-11 10:09:07 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes away on a business trip and, as it's a very swanky hotel, his wife comes to join him for the weekend. They have a nice dinner in the restaurant, a drink in the bar, and then they can't wait to go up to their room. In fact, they can't even wait that long - as soon as they get into the life they're all over each other. The man is pulling her panties down and in less than a minute they're at it.

Unfortunately, the doors open at the next floor and the chambermaid gets in. "Well really!" says the chambermaid.

"I'm sorry," says the woman, "we just had a couple of drinks and got a bit carried away. I don't normally behave this way."

"I'm sure you don't," says the chambermaid...but this is the fourth time I've caught HIM at it." :)

2007-01-11 10:08:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

immediately.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!" said the drunk.
"No need to cause a fuss, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.
"Well, for one thing," he replied abruptly, "it's on fire."

2007-01-11 10:04:49 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whoever can figure this riddle out first i will give best answer to......
"Think of words ending in -GRY. Angry and hungry are two of them. There are only three words in the English language. What is the third word? The word is something that everyone uses every day. If you have listened carefully, I have already told you what it is."

2007-01-11 10:01:19 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

After Daigoro's father Itto Ogami dies, Daigoro takes a broken
spear(broke off about 2 to 2 1/2 feet from the blade) and runs toward
Retsudo Yaygu. Retsudo opens his arms, and allows Daigoro to
thrust the spear into his stomach. He takes hold of Daigoro, and
with the spear still in him, he picks Daigoro up while bleeding
heavily. He lets out a tear from his left eye, and then says "grandson", "of my heart".......The end.

2007-01-11 09:58:55 · 3 answers · asked by Mr. nixie 3

my friend went to the stables the other day with his sister and her 4 month old son. when they got in, the boy started walking! but then the horse **** on my friends shoe, so he punched it in the ***. the horse then kicked back, and kicked the boy! the boy careened through the air into a pile of manure and suffocated and died. is this my friends fault? hope someone can help.

2007-01-11 09:57:49 · 10 answers · asked by Joe S 2

him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."
The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

2007-01-11 09:57:20 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

2007-01-11 09:52:35 · 9 answers · asked by limallama 4