Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

This blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So, she peels it off and starts screaming,

"I've won a motor home!
I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a
mini-van."

But the blonde keeps screaming, "I've won a motor home! I've won a
motor home."

Finally, the manager comes over and says, Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're
mistaken.
You couldn't possibly have won a motor home,
because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!"

So, she hands the ticket to the manager
and he reads, WIN A BAGEL

2007-01-11 18:24:31 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

four men go to thier high school reunion and one leaves the room to got to the bathroom.
the three men begin disgussing thier sons. The first man say my so rich he gave his best friend a yatch. The second man says,"my son is so rich he gave his best friend a mansion. The third man says "my son is so rich he gave is best friend a ferrari".The fourth man returns and askes wat they are talking about one of the men tells him that thier disgussing how rich thier sons have become, and he says"well my sons arent as rich as your sons, hes gay but he was given a yatch,a mansion,and a ferrari by his three ex boyfriends

2007-01-11 18:22:00 · 23 answers · asked by maddsk8 2

and also any brain teasers you know but they must be related to maths .Like mathematical brain teasers .
thanks in advance

2007-01-11 18:20:47 · 9 answers · asked by cooljess 2

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."


When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

2007-01-11 18:06:28 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy runs in a bar and he asks the bartender for 24 shots of Jameson's whisky the bartender pours the shots Paddy shoots them down as fast as possible,

the bartender says; "wow i ve never seen anyone drink that fast before"

and Paddy says; "You would have to if you had what I had"

and the bartender says "What is it you have?"

Paddy says "25 cents" and the Paddy runs out.

2007-01-11 18:04:11 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once there was a Sardarji (a man from Punjab in India) who visited Japan, there he went to a Administrative officer's building to meet his boss, there he talk about business and demanded for a girl at night to enjoy his time after work. The officer told he would do so and then they both departed.

At night the sardar started to enjoy the time with the girl and the girl shouted 'musakho musakho musakho musakho', the sardarji was surprised.

In the morning the sardarji went to the golf course there he started to play golf and was surprised as he hit the shot and the golf boy shouted 'musakho musakho musakho'. And so the sardarji asked the boy, "what is the meaning of 'musakho'?"

and the boy replied, "It means Wrong Hole."

2007-01-11 18:03:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks andNeeds to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally... a smart blonde joke.

2007-01-11 17:54:18 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why was the blonde
disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben was only
a clock.



Q: Why do blondes
wear big hoop earrings when they go on a date?
A: So they have some
place to put their feet.

2007-01-11 17:44:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy sits opposite a stunning blonde in a mini skirt and high heels in a railway carriage. He keeps staring at her legs and it becomes apparent very quickly that the young lady is without underwear.

Do you think my pus*y is pretty? she asks the guy. He turns beetroot red and replies "Ummm mmm, I beg your pardon"

She replies "My pus*y is very special and can perform tricks, here I'll blow you a kiss". With that she opens her legs and makes her pus*y blow the man a kiss. He is stunned.

"It can also wink at you" she says, and with that she gets her pus*y to wink at him. He is gob smacked.

She then says to him "Would you like to stick two fingers inside?". "F**k me" replies the man "You're not telling me it can whistle as well?"

2007-01-11 17:38:08 · 42 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Besides how to laugh and jump off barrels.

2007-01-11 17:35:59 · 10 answers · asked by Atlas 6

A man is in bed with
his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his
clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not
getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a
louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his
wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens
the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the
stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost,
it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.


He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we
broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the
baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started
again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"


"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.


"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our
help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the
husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens
the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out
"Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger,
he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies:
"I'm over here, on your swingset.

2007-01-11 17:33:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better. The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living.”
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill.”
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So God went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honour thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are." We're not interested.”
Then God went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments." The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not commit adultery." "Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
...........There, that ought to offend just about everybody.

2007-01-11 17:10:47 · 36 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

obesedons are prehistoric creatures living it up in the 21st century, obesedons can grow up to 500 pounds. their main diets include of ciets, cakes, friend food, donuts, typical burger and fries, and drink alot of suger rich soda. they do not consume vegetables nor do they excercise. their main hobbies are sleepings, watching tv on the couch or even in bed, and devourering food such as i mentioned above.

2007-01-11 17:00:50 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits up and notices his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless and clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and, sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, 'Get your hands off me, *****! I'm married!'"

Moral of the Story:
Self-induced hangover... 100 pounds
Broken furniture... 2,000 pounds
Breakfast... 10 pounds
Saying the right thing to your wife when you're drunk... PRICELESS

2007-01-11 16:45:32 · 21 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

I was having trouble with my computer, so i called Harold the computer guy to come over.
Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.
As he was walking away, I called after him: "So what was wrong?"
He replied: "It was an ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
Harold grinned. "Haven't you heard of an ID ten T error?"
"No," I replied.
"Write it down." he said," and i think you"ll figure it out."
So I wrote down ID10T.

I used to like Harold.

2007-01-11 16:42:07 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A guy goes to the Australia Post to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls.. no point in you coming in.

2007-01-11 16:34:43 · 12 answers · asked by geee 2

no? neither has he!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-01-11 16:26:25 · 8 answers · asked by livvie locke vampire princess 5

Two weeks ago was my 35th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday," and probably have a present for me She didn't even say "Good Morning," let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you, the children will remember. " The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, "Good morning, boss. Happy Birthday" And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. "Sure," I excitedly replied.

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children ,and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday...

And I was standing there, surprised and…… naked!!!

2007-01-11 16:25:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a couple are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a loose-fitting, spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes mad. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand, he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny, and suggests that his wife teases the poor creature some more. He gets her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at the ape, and play along. She does, and the Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips. With that, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

2007-01-11 16:20:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old Arab gentleman lived close to London for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant vegetables in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant vegetables in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the THING'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the Army, MI 5 & 6 and the police visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your vegetables.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."

2007-01-11 16:14:33 · 21 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Barb and a friend were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

Barb rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

2007-01-11 16:12:08 · 9 answers · asked by blsmtfm1955 3

Here is an intelligence Test. There riddles. the one With most correct answers wins.

1. If you went to sleep at 8 o'clock and set the alarm to get up at 9 o'clock in the morning, how many hours did you sleep?

2.Do they have a fourth of July in Norway?

3. How many birthdays does an average man have?

4. Why can't a man living in Winston-Salem N.C. be burried west of the Mississippi River?

5. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove....which one would you light first?

6. Some months have 30 days, Others have 31 days. How many have 28 days?

7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told you to take one every half-hour, how long will the pills last you?

8. A man builds his house with four sides. Each side had a southern exposure. A bear Comes by. What color is the bear?

9. How far can a dog run into the woods?

10. If you have 2 U.S. coins which total $.55 in value, and one is not a nickel, what are the coins?

2007-01-11 16:10:22 · 34 answers · asked by AvesPro 5

Abe and Freda had been married for 50 years. They were having breakfast one morning when Abe said to Freda, "Just think, darling, we've now been married for 50 years."
"Yes," she replied. "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here together at this very breakfast table."
"I know," said Abe, "and we were probably sitting here naked, fifty years ago."
Freda giggled. "So what do you think? Should we get naked again to see how we feel now?"
So Abe and Freda got up, stripped naked and then sat down at the table again.
"You know, darling," Freda said breathlessly, "I think my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I’m not at all surprised," replied Abe, "one is in your tea and the other is in your porridge."

2007-01-11 16:04:08 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

What has 6 eyes but can't see?

2007-01-11 16:02:15 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

So this man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, "What's your IQ?" The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides to test the robot. He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100." Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, and guns.

Impressed now, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies, "Er ahh, 50, I think." And the robot says... very slowly, "Soooooooo...............
ya gonna be a **** in yahoo answers again?

2007-01-11 16:01:31 · 18 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking.

He leans over to see what she’s cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock...

2007-01-11 15:56:58 · 35 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

SORRY IF IT OFFENDS..........

Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends
and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise
and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

2007-01-11 15:51:29 · 17 answers · asked by shaker 2

First think of the person who lives in disguise,
Who deals in secrets and tells naught but lies.
Next,tell me what's always the last thing to mend,
The middle of middle and end of the end?
And finally give me the sound often heard
During the search for a hard-to-find word.
Now string them together,and answer me this,
Which creature would you be unwilling to kiss?

2007-01-11 15:48:40 · 31 answers · asked by Park j - park7en님 [로그아웃] 1

what is better then god and worse then satan,rich ppl dnt have this,poor people have it alot,and if u eat it you die????

2007-01-11 15:42:47 · 27 answers · asked by max a 1

I heard someone tell their friend they were a few french fries short of a happy meal. I thought that was too cute! Or course the old ones like "not the sharpest tool in the shed" or the one about the crayon is always funny also. Care to share any?

2007-01-11 15:34:59 · 11 answers · asked by Skypride 2