Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

Old age is when former classmates are so gray

and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
----------------------------------------------
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble,

you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
--------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground

with sticks, it was called witchcraft..

Today, it's called golf
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A WELL PLANNED LIFE????
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school,

Did you manage to live a well planned life? "

" Yes," said her friend.

"My first marriage was to a millionaire;

my second marriage was to an actor;

my third marriage was to a preacher;

and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked,
"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,

two for the show,

three to get ready,

and four to go."

2007-01-12 01:22:13 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has

to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition

because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

-----------------------------------------

An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table

awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,

a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia

he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son;

do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,

if something happens to me ..

your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you

stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem

worth waiting in line for
------------------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.

I've traveled a long way and some of the

roads weren't paved.
--------------------------------------------
How old would you be

if you didn't know how old you are?
----------------------------------------------
When you are dissatisfied and would

like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when everything

either dries up or leaks.
----------------------------------------------
I don't know how I got over the hill

without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging

is that it is such a nice change from being young.
----------------------------------------------
Ah, being young is beautiful,

but being old is comfortable.
-----------------------------------------------

2007-01-12 01:20:19 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

HE is hilarious and is one of my fav comedians ! Decided to place this question here! After reading so many negative thoughts people write here about others! I think if people can laugh at themselves!

http://www.metacafe.com/tags/russel_peters/

2007-01-12 00:02:18 · 3 answers · asked by HAPA CHIC 6

A women in a church ( a deaf women) lent over to her husbund and whisperd
"i just done a squekey fart"
The husband said " no you didn't".
because everybody in the church looked round.



(She was deaf and she thought she was whispering).
(Ha ha)

2007-01-12 00:00:01 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

it seems you would have to have the egg first??? please help

2007-01-11 23:59:59 · 9 answers · asked by notre1842dame 4

Well, just so we NEVER have to see it again...I found out the answer this morning. I saw a news story about a little boy who counted and he found out it takes 1,282 licks to get to the center :)
So now we know.

2007-01-11 23:56:59 · 10 answers · asked by ♥Stacy 6

2007-01-11 23:53:10 · 28 answers · asked by terryjmulcahy 1

After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him in her most scornful one. "You made a complete *** of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face."

"He's an arrogant, self-important prick, piss on him!"

"You did. All over his suit, " Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him," said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

2007-01-11 23:48:50 · 9 answers · asked by pokerface 4

Whatever has happened to Londonsnronesta, he was so funny i found him very amusing. Missing his postings. If you are reading this Funny-man come back i need my laugh a day. Are you still alive, if so come say hello to us , if not then please stay away:)))

2007-01-11 23:42:55 · 10 answers · asked by Duisend-poot 7

hought For The Day




"Good looks catch the eye but a GOOD personality catches the heart. You're blessed with both!"

/

/

/

Don't be flattered,

this message was sent to ME!!

I just wanted YOU to read it,,

2007-01-11 23:40:24 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

My 7 year old kid has to to a performance at school next week and has to tell jokes with one of his friends. Do you know any jokes suitable for 7 y/o to tell ?
Remember its a 7y/o so they have to be clean, and pretty easy to get the humour!

2007-01-11 23:33:32 · 21 answers · asked by Billy 2

Three Gay Men

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''

The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''

The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my a s s up just one more time.''

2007-01-11 23:32:04 · 24 answers · asked by Janey 3

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

2007-01-11 23:12:30 · 24 answers · asked by Janey 3

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

2007-01-11 23:11:35 · 11 answers · asked by Janey 3

5 Germans pull up to the Italian border control in an Audi Quattro. The border guard approaches the drivers side and taps on the window. As the driver lowers the window the guard looks in and counts how many people in the car, then walks round the car and back to the drivers window.
Guard: Sinor, Why do you have a 5 people inside.
Driver: Zis car has 5 seatz and five seat beltz, what is ze problem?
Guard: This car is an Audi Quatrro, Quatrro means four Sinor, but you have 5 people inside your car. I cannot let you through with this many people in the car.
Driver: What are you talking about, this car has room for 5 people, you must let us through.
Guard: I'ma sorry Sinor, but Quatrro means 4 I cannot let you pass.
Driver: Zis is ridiculous, get me the Supervisor, I vant to speak wiz him.
Guard: I'm sorry Sinor, he is busy at the moment.
Drive: What do you mean busy, I want to speak wiz him now!
Guard: I'm afraid he is busy dealing with 2 Spanish girls in a Fiat Uno

2007-01-11 23:03:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

...and one says to the other, "Saw this gorgeous girl this afternoon. Just laying there by the railway tracks. God, she was fit. Had a figure to die for. So I took her into the woods and gave her a good f*ck. We did it every which way we could - front, back, doggie style. Haven't had sex that good in ages."

"Blonde or brunette?" the other tramp asks.

"I dunno," he replies. "I didn't find the head."

2007-01-11 22:59:51 · 9 answers · asked by Banana Ray David 4

Q. WHAT'S "MINNIE DRIVERS" MIDDLE NAME?

A. CAB!!!!

2007-01-11 22:58:06 · 10 answers · asked by Jit 1

TWO PACKETS OF CRISP
are walking along the road
a passing car stops & the driver asks if theyd like a lift
no,thanks," say the crisps we're Walkers

2007-01-11 22:56:52 · 13 answers · asked by mr smidgey 2

A man is in the bar at the golf club. The barman says "Hey Jack, that's a really bad black eye you have there, how did you get that?"

Jack says, "Well, you know I've been teaching the wife to play golf?" "Yes", replies the barman.

"Well, this morning, when we teed off, she hooked her ball into that cowfield at the left of the first fairway. We were looking through the long grass amongst the cows for her ball for a while, when suddenly, as a cows tail was swishing back and forth, I saw a ball lodged in the cows c*nt. All I did was lifted up the cows tail and shouted " This looks like yours", and she hit me!"

2007-01-11 22:56:35 · 9 answers · asked by Andrew H 1

A little girl asked her Mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a
walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said Belle was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the lead and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the lead.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"


(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )


The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

2007-01-11 22:53:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

two nuns sitting in a pub watching two men playing darts..
first man throws scores 2 treble 20's and single 20.
the first nun shouts out ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTY..
next man throws a treble 20 and a double 20 and the last dart bounced out and hit the nun in the head.!
the other man shouted ONE NUN DEAD AND EIGHTY...!


oldie but couldnt find on here..
just topical

2007-01-11 22:52:37 · 11 answers · asked by Mr (FnC).. Frogncat 5

about the man who joined a nudist colony

The 1st day was his hardest

2007-01-11 22:52:01 · 6 answers · asked by mr smidgey 2

Have you heard about the Death of Bill Gates?

He is given the choice between spending eternity in Heaven or Hell. Heaven looked a bit tame, floating around on clouds and playing the harp.

In Hell, he would be confined in a cell with a bottle of wine, a gorgeous blonde and a PC.

He chose Hell.

After a very short while he complained to Satan, "This bottle of wine has a hole in the bottom of it, the blonde DOESN'T, and the PC is missing three keys!".

"Oh", says Satan, "You fell for the demo, did you?".

The missing keys were CTRL, ALT & DEL

2007-01-11 22:48:11 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

theres enough poison in a crab to kill a crab

2007-01-11 22:45:43 · 4 answers · asked by markhatter 6

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children

what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out,

fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy

was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good,he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."

The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.

"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."

2007-01-11 22:41:46 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour and astringent, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said . "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"

2007-01-11 22:25:53 · 6 answers · asked by pooh bear 1

i am looking for a record of nancy sinatra and lee hazlewood,its called simply nancy and lee any help??

2007-01-11 22:22:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married
>to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room
>on a transcontinental train.
>
>Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
>were both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... he in the upper bunk
>
>and she in the lower.
>
>At 1:00 am, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
>"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
>into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
>
>"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
>pretend that we're married."
>"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
>"Good," she
>replied. "Get your own f*&^ing blanket."
>
>After a few moments of silence, he farted.
>
>

2007-01-11 22:21:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blind man was walking with his dog along the street, he wanted to cross the road so his dog stopped looked and then proceded to cross the road ,cars where coming at him from every where tooting horns and shouting out of windows,eventually getting to the other side safe he bent down and gave his dog a treat ,a onlooker saw this and said to the blind man why reward your dog it nearly got you killed the blind man said i.m not rewarding him i,m trying to find his *** so i can kick it!!

2007-01-11 22:19:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

how many animals can you fit into a pantyhose ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
answer coming later
think hard

2007-01-11 22:15:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous