Jokes & Riddles - January 2007

After serious & cautious consideration.....your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2007 !

It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!!

2007-01-11 22:02:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

As only a child could do... A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..."

2007-01-11 21:58:06 · 8 answers · asked by sarah 2

At work dont finish till 8pm so i could do with a good giggle

2007-01-11 21:55:26 · 7 answers · asked by destiny 2

He was so happy he did a lap of honour!

2007-01-11 21:55:13 · 10 answers · asked by Sir Sidney Snot 6

This is some sort of riddle. I heard it nefore, but can't figure out what it is... any ideas?

2007-01-11 21:52:06 · 7 answers · asked by jyc4282 1

"you ducked!" I heard it in clerks 2

2007-01-11 21:50:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a baby polar bear is sat with his mum, he ask's. "mum, am i really a polar bear". to which the mother replies, "yes dear, why do you ask?,
The baby polar bear then says," why am i so bloody cold then"!

2007-01-11 21:26:59 · 10 answers · asked by baconbuttyman 2

2007-01-11 21:26:06 · 11 answers · asked by John M 6

This is a riddle and I am seeking an answer...Thanks

2007-01-11 21:22:13 · 6 answers · asked by siggnns 1

The barman pours them and asks "are you celebrating or something?".
The guy replies "I`ve just had my first blo*job ".
The barman says" in that case let me buy you another one".
to which the guy replies " NO " " If 10 doubles won`t get rid of the taste another one won`t make much difference".

2007-01-11 21:16:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Diceman says "Hickory dickory dock, the ____________________OOOOH

2007-01-11 20:55:56 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

guy walks into his office and says

"i like my office its like being in the womb"

without knowing this the boss came about 20sec later and said

"just popping my head in and saying hi"

2007-01-11 20:50:33 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into an ice-cream shop with his son. He says, "I'll have a chocolate cone."

Then he slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want, fat head?"

The lady behind the counter says, "Why'd did you smack him and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants. The first thing is a nice big truck. You see that nice big truck sitting out there? That's mine.”

”Second thing a man wants in life is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's mine.”

”Third thing a man wants in life is a wife with a nice tight p*ssy. And I had that, until fat head here came along."

2007-01-11 20:47:20 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Man walks into a bar and the barman says "I'm not serving you"

The guy asks "why not" and the barman says "because you haven't got a tie on"

The bloke, desperate for a pint, goes out to his car, hoping that he has a tie in there somewhere. All he can find in the boot is a set of jump leads. He puts these round his neck like a tie and goes back to the pub.

The barman looks at him warily and says "Ok, I'll serve you.... but you'd better not start anything"

2007-01-11 20:19:41 · 19 answers · asked by Andrew H 1

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.

9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.

8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him.

7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.

6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.

5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.

4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools.

3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.

2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "I can do better than THAT!"

2007-01-11 20:19:11 · 20 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

A lady decides to take up golf, so she goes off to the club for some lessons. To start, the pro just takes her out onto the driving range and tells her to take her natural swing so he can evaluate it.
It is hopeless, she fresh-airs the shot.
Over the course of half an hour, he makes recommendations about her grip, her stance, keeping her head down etc, but she still can't get the ball to travel futher that five yards.
Eventually he has a brainwave, "You're too tense. Hold the club as if you're holding your husband's penis".
She does. She swings. She connects. The ball travels 350 yds, straight as a die.
The Pro's verdict?
"A little unconventional, but we can work with it - the first thing we gotta do is get the club-head out of your mouth".

2007-01-11 20:10:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Luigi the ice cream salesman was found dead on the floor of his ice cream van, covered in hundreds and thousands.

A police spokesman said that he had topped himself.

2007-01-11 20:05:00 · 16 answers · asked by Andrew H 1

OTTFFSSEN_

2007-01-11 20:02:30 · 5 answers · asked by Here2Help 3

Damn it this makes me mad... All these cats want is some mouse, man...

2007-01-11 19:59:55 · 6 answers · asked by Here2Help 3

HU'S ON FIRST
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And
then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?

2007-01-11 19:49:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

behind one of the letters is an envelope that contains millions of dollars.....Which letter would it be...?

2007-01-11 19:49:05 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Those who have anything to say about me now, get your free 2 points.

2007-01-11 19:43:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Commandments
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill?

We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,

"Honor thy Father and Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."

We're not interested.

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said

"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal?

We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,

"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery?

We're not interested."

2007-01-11 19:35:42 · 15 answers · asked by hotchocolate 2

2007-01-11 19:18:44 · 35 answers · asked by john c 1

from Monday thru Sunday....?

2007-01-11 19:17:50 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you are well dressed,
She thinks you are play boy.
If you are not,
She thinks you are a begger.

If you kiss her,
She thinks you r not a gentleman.
If you don't,
She thinks you are not a man.

If you praise her,
She thinks you are a lier.
If u don't she thinks,
You are good for nothing.

If you visit her often,
She thinks u are boring.
If you don't she accuses,
You for double crossing.

If u visit another girl,
She accuses you for being cheat.
If she is visited by another guy,
She says "oh..! its natural! we are girls..!

If you propose love within a brief time,
You are a freash guy.
If you propose love later ,
She wonders why

If you are jealous,
She says its bad.
If your not she doubts ,
Your love and is not glad.

If you attempt romance,
She thinks you don't respect her.
If you don't,
She thinks you don't like her.

If you listen ,
She wants to talk.
If you wanna talk,
She also wants to talk.

Oh women..! you are so simple,
Yet so complex....

You are so weak,
Yet so powerful.....
Your so confusing ,
Yet so desirable!

2007-01-11 19:10:30 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

75 years old man got married with a 15 year old girl at wedding night both were confused bcz girl knew nothing and old man has forgatten every thing

2007-01-11 19:06:28 · 18 answers · asked by Capri 5

2007-01-11 19:02:13 · 9 answers · asked by Michelle E 1

Paddy was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

2007-01-11 18:50:38 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The English tourist entered the station and said:

'The level crossing gates are jammed. Only one's open and one's closed.'

'Well, sir,' said Rooney, 'we're half expecting a train!'

2007-01-11 18:48:08 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous