Does anyone know any really funny jokes?

Question

I need some really really funny jokes but they need to be clean and very FUNNY

Answer 1

very funny question...really a joke

Answer 2

A guy bought a new Mercedes and was out on Highway 2 for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 140 km/h, he suddenly saw red and blue flashing lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 150, 160...

Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What in the world am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day," said the cop. "This is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Answer 3

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast
of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Answer 4

In the Old Wild West it was common for Native Americans to lead the settlers out into the land for prospective purposes. On one such trek, the settlers were following their guide when he signalled for them to stop. They started asking questions, but he silenced them with a wave of his hand and motioned for them to be quiet. He then get down on his hands and knees and lowered his ear to the ground. After a few moments he gets up and says "Buffalo come."
The settlers look amazed and ask him "How can you tell that just by putting your ear to the ground?"

He looks back at them and replies "Ear sticky."

Answer 5

A surgeon approached a patient,who was lying in a hospital bed the morning after an operation.
SURGEON:"Sir,I have some good news and some bad news,which do you want first?"
PATIENT:"The bad news first,please."
SURGEON:"OK then,I'm sorry sir,but we have amputated the wrong leg,so we'll now have to amputate the other one as well."
PATIENT:"Well,what the hell is the good news then?"
SURGEON:"Well,the man in the next room wants to buy your shoes off you!"
Now,isn't that funny?
OF COURSE IT IS!
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

Answer 6

A boat sinks in the middle of the pacific.
On board were a Jew, an Arab, and an Indian.
A shark attacks and eats the Jew and the Arab, and circles back but leaves the Indian alone.
The Indian looks to the sky and says 'thankyou for saving me'
The shark turns round and says, 'don't thank him, I had one of you last year and my a*rse is still burning'!

Answer 7

An old couple are sitting in church when the old girl says to her husband " I've just done a silent fart, what should I do?". Try putting some batteries in your hearing aid dear he said.

Answer 8

what do u call a chav in a white tracksuit?

the bride

a car is speeding up a mountain with 3 chavs inside, the car goes off the cliff and they die...why is that a shame?

coz a car seats 5 hahaha

Answer 9

-Friendship among women:

A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband that she slept over at a friend's house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men:

A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife that he slept over at a friend's house. The woman calls her husbands 10 best friends. Eight of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.

Answer 10

Q: Whats the definition of blue tack

A: Smurf poo