Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-27 04:23:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A farmer had a cow that he was extremly proud of, but there was one prolem, she had crossed eyes, and he knew that no judge would give the prize to him.
one day a slightly stupid looking man, and said that he could make the cow better, "great can you, what do you need?" "well all i need is a metal pipe, "ok i have one in the shed" he goes out and gets one and gives it to the guy, and before the guy can say anything more he shoves the pipe up the cows a*se and blows hard into the pipe, and miraculasly the eyes turn normal. the farmer thanks the man and goes to bed planning to take the cow to the fair the next day, but in the morning the eyes are cross eyed again, well the farmer thinks he can do the trick so he get the pipe shoves it in the cows a*se and blows hard, nothing, he blows again still nothing he tries one more time he is blowling as hard as he can still nothing, just then the stupid man comes back and ask if he can do it again, yes of corse, so the man goes to the cow takes

2006-12-27 04:22:04 · 23 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen.” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “That driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

2006-12-27 04:19:47 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

There once was a boy with a bucket of fish.
He yelled " Selling dam fish! Selling dam fish!"

A preacher walked by.
The Preacher said "Why do you speak with such a dirty mouth?"
The boy said "im not, i caught these fish at the dam."
So the preacher thought he'd buy some nice and local fish.

The preacher came home home and gave his wife two dam fish he'd bought from the boy.
"Honey, cook these two dam fish for dinner."
The wife said "hey, hey, hey ur a preacher, dont talk like that"
THe preacher said"No hun, they're dam fish from the city dam."

As they ate, The preacher told his son.
"Son pass over that dam fish."
The son's eyes brightened.
"Thats the spirit dad!, as he passed the dam fish,
"Hey mom , pass the fuking potatoes!"

2006-12-27 04:19:37 · 14 answers · asked by AndrU 2

There are 3 explorers, and they go to an island they think is deserted. so when they get there, cannibles caught them. the cannible cheif said that they have 2 go into the forest and get 10 fruits of the same kind and bring them back to him. so they all went and split up. the 1st guy came back with 10 apples. the cannible cheif said that they have to put all of the fruits up his but without making any facial expressions,then he would let them go. he got through 1/2 an apple and burst out in pain, so they ate him and he went to heaven. the 2nd guy came back with blueberries, he got through 9 blueberries and burst out laughing, so they ate him and he went to heaven. the 1st guy in heaven said," why'd you start laughing, you could have made it?" then the 2nd guy said," I saw the last guy coming with pineapples."

2006-12-27 04:19:09 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpcHWy08j5g

In this martial art demonstration 2 girls (about 110-130 pounds) jump on a guys stomach from a chair.

How can he take that?

Thanks

2006-12-27 04:16:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this Holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "they're bells.

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

2006-12-27 04:02:49 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A boy had lost his dog and he thought that the scottishman up the road might be able to help so he went to see him. "have you seen my dog any where" and he replyed "aye, i had 'im 'ere a few days ago. I ate 'im, I ate his fur, I ate his wee scratchy claws, I ate the lot." As you might imagine this upset the boy, and then he thought "oh he means hate" "aye, i mean hate. So i sent im to the dog home" said the scotsman. As the boy walked out he heard the scotsman say "and I ate the mess he left on the mat"

2006-12-27 03:56:12 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennessee Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die."

That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.

When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place". When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing things of all were the elevators.

(contd. below...)

2006-12-27 03:45:47 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Colt 45"

[Afroman]
Wait a minute man
Hey check this out man tell it
It was this blind man right, it was this blind man right
He was feelin' his way down the street with a stick right, hey
He walked past this fish market, you know what I'm sayin'
He stopped he took a deep breath he said
Snfffffff, woooo good morning ladies, ha




well thats it please tell me what it means thanks

2006-12-27 03:39:02 · 13 answers · asked by devon w ♪♫ is in luff 2

I want to by the xbox 360 but i dont know which games to start out with. can someone give me details on which is the best game to by.. Hint I love shooters, and sports, and co op games..

2006-12-27 03:37:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whats the funniest "yo momma" joke you've ever heard?

And why do you think that it has always been that mothers were made fun of and not fathers? Any particular reason? What's your take?

2006-12-27 03:28:34 · 10 answers · asked by kmanevil 2

Hey, I forgot my corny pickup line, can I have yours?

Hehe...
Got any lame and corny pickup lines?Share the worst or most corny pickup line you've come across!

2006-12-27 03:26:22 · 11 answers · asked by kmanevil 2

I am very powerful, I influence everyone. Out of me, I create kindness, compassion, and care. I am also the most poisonous venom there is. I create lust, greed, and hatred. I can move around for 24 hours non stop. However, when you stop, then I'll stop. What am I?

2006-12-27 03:15:15 · 30 answers · asked by Webballs 6

get them to say "cheese"!

2006-12-27 03:14:58 · 2 answers · asked by audrey_halley2004 4

Cryptic Quiz Question

2006-12-27 01:54:30 · 11 answers · asked by mykal 1

A Pound of GOLD
OR
A Pound of cotton??

2006-12-27 00:49:17 · 42 answers · asked by We can make a difference 2

sex for an old man is like trying to play snooker with a rope.!!!!!! Shoot pool if your'e a thick Yank !!!!!

2006-12-27 00:35:57 · 28 answers · asked by Shredder 6

If sb asks why, wat would u say?

2006-12-27 00:28:47 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Disney World have in common ? You have to wait 2 hours for a five minute ride !!!

2006-12-27 00:14:07 · 26 answers · asked by Shredder 6

In a Skyjump class, students on very first jump listens for Jump master's last-minute advice..to open chute when People begin to look like Ants..

Later on, out of plane their chutes began to pop up in sky...except for Blond jumper. To the horror of her jumpmates and crowds below, blond jumper chute didn't open and went free-falling to the ground. Thud!!!

*Fast Forward to Heaven's Gate, w/ St.Peter interviews all new comer. Blond's turn:

ST.PETER: So, what are you IN for?
BLOND: I fell from a plane

ST.PETER: I know, based on your files you forgot opening your chute?
BLOND: No! I was all along focused as I descend

ST. PETER: Then why did you not open your chute?
BLOND: I tried, but I guessed it was too late

ST.PETER: Hmm, It also says here you're clear of drugs & alcohol but then..
BLOND:...and I followed the jump master's instruction..

ST.PETER: (about to close the book, look at her)..so, what was the instructions?
BLOND: that we open chute when Ants begin to look like People

2006-12-27 00:11:25 · 14 answers · asked by Mr. Kite 2

2006-12-27 00:04:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

chees
tom & jerry
neckless
harry potter
love
brid pitt
priest
book
shakira
dreams
home
door nob
car
tree
me
song
pyjama
baby
knife
9/11
water


hope u answer this with 1st thing u get in ur minds coz i want to know what u think as i think.

2006-12-26 23:52:45 · 25 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

2006-12-26 23:38:25 · 16 answers · asked by payal j 1

A rookie cop on his first patrol stopped a speeding Ferrari with blond driving.

COP: License please
Blond: What License?

*Cop thinks he's being mocked, just kept cool and ride along

COP: Your Driver's License
Blond: What's that?

COP: It's a card w/c says your OK to drive
Blond: Ahh...she reached for the glove compartment, handed cop a parking ticket

COP: This ain't driver's license
Blond: Uh..reached for the glove compartment, handed cop a microwave user's manual

*Cop sensed blond is not faking innocent, calls Central Dispatch (CD) for advice. Cop narrates the incident, CD recalls the blond for her previous brushes, gives rookie Cop a good time

CD: Ok, go back in front of her face, then drop your pants
COP: Whaaat?
CD: Just do it. Its a new procedure handling dumb blond cases

*Rookie Cop eager to please his boss, did as told. He went to the blond, drop his pants in front of blond

Blond, upon seeing Cop let it all hang loose, exclaimed:

Oh No! Not another BREATHALYZER Test!

2006-12-26 23:32:16 · 9 answers · asked by Mr. Kite 2

!!!

2006-12-26 23:31:27 · 10 answers · asked by JOJO 1

2006-12-26 23:27:32 · 3 answers · asked by krissa 2

the doctor said "I can clearly see you're nuts"

2006-12-26 23:14:35 · 22 answers · asked by gigi s 2

Particularly simple stupid ones like..... What do you do if you find a trumpet in you garden?... Root-it-oot! Or the ones with a wee bit of physical input like... how does an elephant ask for a bun?

Cheers.

2006-12-26 23:07:55 · 15 answers · asked by kennyd_2000 2

Wee Hughie was in the garden filling in a hole when his English neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the mad man was up to, he politely asked, 'What are you doing there, Hughie?'

'My goldfish died,' replied Wee Hughie tearfully without looking up, 'and I've just buried him.'

The English neighbour was very concerned. 'That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?'

Wee Hughie patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, 'That's because he's inside your f---ing cat.'

2006-12-26 23:05:36 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous