Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-27 07:05:23 · 5 answers · asked by Nay 1

A husband was advised by his psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."

The man was on fire with enthusiasm and couldn't wait to try the doctor's advice! He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you're going to stay home where you belong. And another thing...you know who's going to comb my hair, iron my pants, polish my shoes and tie my tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "The undertaker."

2006-12-27 07:04:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anne H 3

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a
young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run.

2006-12-27 06:51:57 · 13 answers · asked by Anne H 3

As many languages as you know!!

2006-12-27 06:34:05 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."
The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese". "Chinese, Japanese,Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." The Chinese replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same.

2006-12-27 06:18:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anne H 3

just asked me if i'v got any photos of my wife in the nude , i said , no i have'nt , he asked if i'd to buy some , that was nice of him was'nt it . How much do you think i should pay for them ?

2006-12-27 06:12:16 · 1 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

I've read it online a couple of times but don't get the joke?

2006-12-27 05:46:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

if you're walking down the street carring a canoe on your head and one of the tires falls off, how many pancakes would it take to fix the hole in the dog house?

2006-12-27 05:44:06 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Someone cracked this joke today and I didn't laugh because I have no clue what this means and nobody else does either so maybe you could explain it? "Your momma so fat she put mayonnaise on her asprin." Whats so funny about it?


2. Whats that saying, "One bird in a hand beats two in a bush." Or something like that I forgot. What does that mean?


3. Also could their be a gay male president? If so if he was married could they call his husband the first lady, or the first man? And when two gays or lesbians marry do they say I now pronounce you husband and husand or wife and wife?

2006-12-27 05:38:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

little johnny in the bathroom.
Mummy,
whats that, its my sponge darling
Oh Ok.
Next day, in the bathroom mummy shaves for bikini season.
mummy where's your sponge. oh i lost it darling
next day, mummy i just found your sponge. you did..
yes the lady next door has it and she's washing daddy's face with it....

2006-12-27 05:36:58 · 26 answers · asked by chris w. 7

You are in a race, and you overtake the second person, what position are you in now ?

If you overtake the last person you are in ? place

2006-12-27 05:27:33 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

My thunder comes before my lightning. My lightning comes before my rain.My rain dries up all the land it touches...What am i???

2006-12-27 05:21:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Youre in a car that can carry only 2 people. You halt at a bus stop, there is no other car in the world, and u have to pik one of the 3 people infront of you. 1 is an old woman who is abt to die. the second one is your long lost friend who once did u a huge favor and the third is your perfect soulmate. Who do u pick?

2006-12-27 05:20:47 · 17 answers · asked by val 1

My thunder comes before my lightning. My lightning comes before my rain.My rain dries up all the land it touches...What am i???

2006-12-27 05:20:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

FIRST QUESTION: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
SECOND QUESTION: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
THIRD QUESTION: Very tricky maths. Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Take 1000 and add 40. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
FOURTH QUESTION: Mary's father has five daughters: Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?




Q1: If you answered that by overtaking the second person you were first, you were absolutely wrong. If you overtake the second person and take his place, you are second.
Q2. Can you please explain how you can overtake the LAST person?
Q3 The correct answer is actually 4100. Check with your calculator .(Who knows!!)
Q4 Nunu? Nana? Nene? Of course not. The fifth daughter's name is Mary.

2006-12-27 05:16:06 · 15 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Four ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into aroom, everyone calls him Father.

The second woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever hewalks into a room, people say, ' Your Grace'.

The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say ' Your Eminence'.

"The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard bodied, well hung, malestripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My God."

2006-12-27 05:15:59 · 22 answers · asked by jules 3

2006-12-27 05:15:20 · 12 answers · asked by Tracey T 1

I need a rizla i can't find one the world as we know it has gone. oh wait i found one, sorry crisis over

2006-12-27 05:10:50 · 3 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

3 presidents are on a ship sailing across the Baltic. The american President is boasting abt his servant's guts. He tells the servant to get out of the ship and sail across the 15 lap ship 2 times. he does it. The president shouts: see the guts! The german one tells his servant the same thing only he tells his servant to swim around 4 times and gts the same response. finally, the indian presidnt goes: Hey, i want you to swim around the darn ship 10 times. his servant: shut ur gob. the indin president BEAMS and ses: SEE TE GUTS????

2006-12-27 05:06:57 · 26 answers · asked by val 1

virgin.....goesintight.

what is the word non- virgin in German

Brokenhymen

2006-12-27 05:04:11 · 8 answers · asked by chris w. 7

a bloke came home from work with 50 dollars and his wife asked where he got the money. " oh from a bet at work honey." he said
"the guys at the factory bet me 50 dollars that i wouldn't stick my d.ick in the pickle slicer " Oh my god drop your pants" said the wife. and there it was unharmed, " but what about the pickle slicer" said the wife

Oh she liked it too, he said..

2006-12-27 05:01:35 · 3 answers · asked by chris w. 7

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid

2006-12-27 04:59:03 · 25 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

2006-12-27 04:58:44 · 31 answers · asked by jules 3

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her

The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.

The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the womans turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another.

2006-12-27 04:55:52 · 12 answers · asked by Kemodo 344™ 3

U have the option to throw some1 off the cliff, marry one of them, and have sex with one of them. U can choose between Michael Jackson, Osama Bin Laden, and President Bush. Explain yur motives. I would throw Michael Jackson cause he would molest me. Marry President Bush so i woild live in luxury, and **** Osama cause... hes the only 1 left. I just hope he isnt 2 hairy.

2006-12-27 04:51:48 · 9 answers · asked by dunhate235 5

A little boy wanted a new bike for Christmas. His mother told him they did not have any money for a bike. But she told him if he would tell Jesus what a good boy he would be, maybe Jesus would allow him to have one.
The little boy sat down to write Jesus a letter. As he began the letter..."Dear Jesus I will be good for one year..." He scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one month..." Then he scribbled that out and wrote, "Dear Jesus I will be good for one whole week...." In his disgust he tore up the paper and went for a walk.
As he walked he passed by the local church were there was a Nativity scene. He began to run as fast as he could and, when he past by the figure of Mary, grabbed her up and ran home. He ran in the front door and to his room. There he began a new letter that started..."Dear Jesus if you ever want to see your mother again..."

2006-12-27 04:51:04 · 20 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

You get dog poop and put it in a brown paper bag. Then you put it on a door step of someone you hate. then you light it on fire and ring the door bell . after you ring the door bell you run away really really fast and watch from afar. then as the person tries to stomp the fire out they then step in the dog poop.

2006-12-27 04:39:54 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

Husband stops at florist on payday to get wife a dozen roses. Brings them home and gives to wife. Wife says " what did you do wrong." he said nothing, I just wanted you to have them. She said then I guess you want me to lay on the bed naked with my legs spread all weekend? He said " no!! surley we have a Vase"

2006-12-27 04:39:21 · 12 answers · asked by rallman@sbcglobal.net 5

He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog!

2006-12-27 04:38:58 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to his Dr with gangrene arm. His Dr says how come your arms are go gangrenous? Man says I work for the circus. Every day I have to put my arn up the elephant's bum to make sure he is regular and of course this is causing my gangrene condition.

The Dr says "well, why don't you get a job somewhere else?"

The man says "no way - I'm not giving up showbusiness!"

2006-12-27 04:32:03 · 19 answers · asked by Great Eskape 5