Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

2006-12-26 23:02:28 · 21 answers · asked by bubble 1

Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck... Jock prays again.
"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns
are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have
always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win
the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

2006-12-26 22:57:38 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

2006-12-26 22:45:44 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a tough FBI entrance test for wives to determine loyalty if to FBI or Husbands, 3 remained...Brunette, Redhead & Blond.

Test involve wife enter a room w/ drawn gun, find her husband tied in chair, then shoot him dead w/o hesitation. Unknown to the wives, the gun is loaded only with blanks. Test begins:

Brunette enters room, then shot rang out. A few minutes later, wife emerges crying & told FBI panelist...I can't do it. I love my husband. I only shot the ceiling.

Redhead next...enters room, shot rang out later. She emerges visibly shaken, tells FBI panelist: I can't do it. I'd rather flunk FBI than lose my husband. I only shot the wall.

Blond's turn..enters room, several minutes passed, no shot heard. A full hour passed still no shot. The FBI panelist were about to call it a day thinking nobody made it when Blond suddenly emerge..

You cruel bastards, how could you forget to load my gun! It took me 1 hour using the grip to beat the brains out of nose of that sonofabitch!

2006-12-26 22:43:24 · 11 answers · asked by Mr. Kite 2

if your husband is dead? The sex is the same and you get to change channels on the television !!!!!!!

2006-12-26 22:43:06 · 14 answers · asked by Shredder 6

I want "Keep off the grass." or to just lie about my birthdate so that I appear to have lived to 184.

2006-12-26 22:40:40 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-26 22:32:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Be fast ....


Mary's father has five daughters. The names of the first four daughters are Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. what do u think is the name of the youngest daughter?

The faster u send the answer the better...

2006-12-26 22:24:58 · 20 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

I feel good ...uhgh!

2006-12-26 22:22:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is represented by this BrainBat?

ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

2006-12-26 22:21:14 · 14 answers · asked by axilaryguy 1

it does have a unique smell ive got to agree

2006-12-26 22:15:41 · 17 answers · asked by dean 3

2006-12-26 22:09:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

You think you're pretty? You're only pretty ugly.
You think you're strong? You're only strong smelling.
You think you're funny? You're only funny looking.
You think you're cool? You're only a cool loser.
You think you're rich? You're just a rich bum.
You think you're hot? You're just a hot head.
You think you're smart? You're just a smart retard.
You think you're tall? You're just a tall shrimp.
You think you're famous? You're just a famous loner.

2006-12-26 22:05:19 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

So, assuming that all of the christmas crackers have been pulled, the plastic 'novelties' either sucked up the hoover or eaten by the dog or an over enthusiastic three year old and the jokes read out. But, despite your best attempts to remove them from memory, they remain lodged in your head for all eternity.
So please feel free to purge yourself of these terrible attempts at christmas 'humour'. Worst christmas cracker joke scores the poster 10 points, of course.

2006-12-26 21:12:48 · 3 answers · asked by Tish P 6

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like a f**king idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

2006-12-26 20:48:47 · 13 answers · asked by savs 6

"I'm afraid you have cancer...and you have Alzheimer's". The old man sits back for a moment and says "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

2006-12-26 20:14:29 · 8 answers · asked by Commander 3

I hated that Penguin so I decided to zap it.
As the pointer of my mouse hit the bird it ran round the back of the Yahoo word to hide. Then followed all sorts of antics until it dived into a pool and disappeared.
Returning to normality was brief, as the ruddy thing popped up again.
It's amazing to think of the interactive software needed to achieve this so ten out of ten to the programmer I say, but what do you think?.

I have to go now he wants to play again.

2006-12-26 20:08:08 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Superman was feeling a bit randy so he phones Catwoman.

fancy a date he says

No she says i'm washing my whiskers tonoght.

Next he phones WonderWoman

Apparently she was washing her tights.

Next he phones up Supergirl

Sorry she says im going out with the Hulk tonight.

Superman is so bummed he considers a hooker, but then as he was flying home he sees Wonder Woman lyinbg on her bed stark naked!

Wow he thinks what a figure.

Then he realises that she had dissed him.

Ha! he says she doesn't realise that I can fly in and do the deed and then fly back out faster than a speeding bullet! She wouldn't even realise what had happened!

So, he does.
He then flies home happy.

"Did you feel a draft"? says Wonder Woman

No said the Invisible Man but my a ss is killing me!!

2006-12-26 19:29:22 · 24 answers · asked by Cool Dude 2

2006-12-26 19:00:45 · 31 answers · asked by Sydney 1

In Soviet Russia, Russian reversal jokes get YOU!!

In soviet russia, question asks YOU!!

In soviet russia, next presses YOU!!

In soviet russia question answers YOU!!

2006-12-26 18:56:54 · 7 answers · asked by ya_face_sux 1

2006-12-26 18:50:28 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jessica Simpson walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Hey, hot stuff, do you gotta any tuna chicken of the sea?"
The bartender answers "No"
The next day she walks into the same bar again and says "Hi, remember me? Do you gotz any tuna chicken of the sea now?"
The bartender answers "No"
The third day she walks into that bar again and says "Hey bartender, please tell me you got tuna chicken of the sea now."
The bartender says "No, no, no, and if you ask that question again i'm gonna clunk your head with a trombone."
Then Jessica says "Do you gotz a trombone?"
The bartender says "yeah"
Then she says "Do you got any tuna chicken of the sea?"

2006-12-26 18:43:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I regretably signed up for a joke of the day with Flycell. They stopped billing me but haven't stopped sending me the horrible jokes along with the charge for the text - that I have to pay. I have called and they record and never return. I have texted back with the correct instructions and they keep on sending, 5 months strong. Please someone help me. I really detest this company now and I'm just sick of having my phone beep because of the full text box, and i don't even text!

2006-12-26 18:30:26 · 4 answers · asked by Magic187 2

there was a man who was rich!! he has a buisness near his city!! he has a security guard!! he does his duty well!
One day, as regularly, the rich man was going to his office, then suddenly, the security guard man hold his legs and cried:"please sir, don't go to work today"
'why, what's wrong?"
"i had a dream LAST NIGHT, that your business building has been crushed by a meteora"
the rich man thinks 4 a while, and goes back to his room, thinking!!
and as the securiy man's information, his business place has been crushed by a meteora!!
the rich man could have been died that day!!
he was saved by the security man!!
then at nine PM, the rich man called the security man!!
the security man comes to him!!
then the rich man SLAPS the security man and said something!!
what did the rich man said after the slap????
this is interesting 1! b wild, but reasonable!! the 1st correct answer wins, u know, 10 POINTS!!!!!

2006-12-26 18:28:38 · 4 answers · asked by Annoymous 3

There was 3 guys trapped in a deserted island. For many months they were searching for hope when finally they saw a magic lamp and a genie popped out and said "Since there are three of you, i'll grant each of you 1 wish"

The first guy says "I wish I was back home with a billion dollars"
Then the genie zaps him back home as a billionare.

The second guy says "I wish I went back home as a wealthy famous man."
Then the genie zaps him and it came true.

The third guy says "Damn, I feel so lonely, I wish my friends came back."
Then the genie zaps the those 2 guys back to the island.

2006-12-26 18:16:32 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Somewhere in the desert of Iraq.
There were soldiers at an outpost.
4 soldiers were at post as a new soldier came to defend the outpost.

One of the 4 soldiers showed the new one around.
"Okay here is where you sleep,
and here is where take your showers and get dressed"

The New soldier asked "What is that horse there for, over there?"
The Soldier asked "Oh..well... sometimes us men just get raving sexual needs and the town is kinda far..."

The New soldier looked kind of confused but he never really needed the horse.

One night when the soldiers got their mail.
The New soldier got a letter from his wife.
It included a pair of panties and a spray of his wife's perfume.

That night the soldier couldnt get to sleep.
For, he was starting to miss his wifes essential body.

He told the soldiers "Im gonna need the horse tonight!"
As he vigorously f l_l ked the horse in the @$$."
"Ya i bet i widened the horses hole the widest!"

Then a soldier walked in.
"I need the horse to go see my wife."

2006-12-26 18:15:53 · 9 answers · asked by dfds 1

there was a man who was rich!! he has a buisness near his city!! he has a security guard!! he does his duty well!
One day, as regularly, the rich man was going to his office, then suddenly, the security guard man hold his legs and cried:"please sir, don't go to work today"
'why, what's wrong?"
"i had a dream LAST NIGHT, that your business building has been crushed by a meteora"
the rich man thinks 4 a while, and goes back to his room, thinking!!
and as the securiy man's information, his business place has been crushed by a meteora!!
the rich man could have been died that day!!
he was saved by the security man!!
then at nine PM, the rich man called the security man!!
the security man comes to him!!
then the rich man SLAPS the security man and said something!!
what did the rich man said after the slap????
this is interesting 1! b wild, but reasonable!! the 1st correct answer wins, u know, 10 POINTS!!!!!

2006-12-26 18:07:23 · 4 answers · asked by Annoymous 3

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years out ta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"

JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"

2006-12-26 18:04:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was once a girl who met her mother for the first time.
The Mother wanted to make a good first impression on the little girl so she took her to the mall.

The little girl asked
"Mommy, How old are you?"
The Mother said"Your not suppsoe to ask that to women
you'll learn later"

The little girl asked.
"Mom, How much do you weigh?
The Mother said"Your not suppose to ask that to women you'll learn later.

"Mommy why'd you and dad divorce?
The Mother was silent and sadened.

After they left the mall The mother dropped the little girl off at a friends house.
"I'll pick u up in an hour!"
"Okay Mom"

While the girl was at her friend's house,she asked her friend.
"My new mommy wont tell me anythinabout her!"
The friend said "Just take a look at her drivers lisence its like a report card."

The nxt time The Girl and her mother wnt to the mall.
The little girl said.
"Mom are you 5feet,2 inches and 130 pounds?"
"Yes how'd you know!"

"And I know why daddy divorced you!
You got an F in sex!"

2006-12-26 17:50:11 · 17 answers · asked by AndrU 2

1. :can u tell me where in the world most hungriest people live?
:in hungary
2. :can u tell me 5 animal's name of antertica
:3 penguin and 2 seal fish!!
3. in court, the judge man was saying: ORDER, order, order!!
then the criminal said: 1 burger with large soda please!!
4. -Father, how do u like to eat fried potato.
-why i like it!
-some one phoned us that ur potato factory had just been in fire!!
5. - hey man, did i told u that i have been faced by a lion!
- wow, what happened!!
-the lion was comig forward to me!! it was so fierceful, and so hungry!!!
- wow, then?
-what else, i just simply went to the monkey cage in the zoo to see the monkeys!!
6. - do u know, what we can't eat before breakfast?
-what?
-lunch and supper!!
7. do u know, there's something hard i do first before breakfast?
what?
waking up 4rm bed!!
HOPE ALL OF U UNDERSTAND them!!

2006-12-26 17:48:02 · 10 answers · asked by Annoymous 3