Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Me and my mom were talking about Draco Malfoy in the movies of Harry Potter. I said ''I think he is going to expire''. Me and my mom were laughing allot because instead of me saying retire I said expire.

2006-12-26 17:45:14 · 20 answers · asked by Xxkekkei GenkaixX 4

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

Why was the spider using the computer?
A: He wanted to get to the web!

Hehe... and here is today's riddle:

How do you paint a rabbit orange?

Good luck! :)

2006-12-26 17:40:27 · 12 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that this type of itch could be cured; but it required special medicinal properties present in Nick the Dragon Slayer’s lips, that had to be applied to her breasts for two hours.

(contd. below…)

2006-12-26 17:25:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little f#@%r has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

2006-12-26 17:24:59 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-26 17:21:57 · 12 answers · asked by bob b 1

There were once two hunters in the woods. (Charles & Fred)
As they were searching to hunt game.
Charles collapsed onto the ground. He held his breath to try to trick his friend.
Fred was surprised and suddenly got worried.
He called 911 and said "Help!! My friend just fell I think hes dead!"
The Operator said "Calm down sir!! check his pulse and make sure hes dead first"
Fred loaded his 12 Gauge and made sure Charles was dead.
The Opearator heard a "BOOM!"
As Fred's voice trailed back on the phone.
"Okay Now what?"

2006-12-26 17:15:19 · 14 answers · asked by AndrU 2

Cheers merry xmas and happy new yr 2 all of u folks...?

sorry 4 d delay but i came up with this idea jus now ... anyway cheers to all...
hope i get a good response 4 this 1..

2006-12-26 17:08:28 · 12 answers · asked by amazed !!! 4

I prefer the jokes easy to understand and are the latest jokes.

2006-12-26 17:01:08 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 3 pirates on an island.
A Bottle washed up along the shore and a Genie came out.
The Genie said Ill grant you each one wish.


1

The First Pirate said "I wish I was a fish!"
And he was blessed and swam to the city.

2

The Second Pirate said "I wish I was an eagle!"
And he was blessed and flew to the city.

3

The Third Pirate said "I wish I was smart!"
And he was blessed.
So he walked on the bridge to the city.

2006-12-26 17:00:11 · 14 answers · asked by AndrU 2

what does he do before he leaves?

2006-12-26 16:53:39 · 9 answers · asked by CoNfUsEdMaYi! 1

The first guy, trying to be funny tells his wife "Pass the sugar sweatheart." The second guy, trying to outdo his friend says to his wife "Honey, can you get the honey?" The third guy, being a wise @ss goes to his wife "Pass the pork, pig."

2006-12-26 16:52:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The barber tells him "Take off your headphones. I can't cut your hair with them on." The man refuses to remove his headphones.They argue about the headphones for a very long time. Frustrated, the barber rips the headphones off the guy's ears and the guy drops dead.
The barber is shocked. He picks up the headphones and puts them on his ears. He hears "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."

2006-12-26 16:33:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of
his dad bouncing up and down.The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes have to get on top of it and help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.
"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

2006-12-26 16:12:56 · 21 answers · asked by I'm Michael Jackson BAD!! 6

A blonde is on a four-engine plane crossing the Atlantic. All of a sudden there's a loud bang. The pilot announces over the intercom “I'm sorry, one of our engines has just shut off. We'll be delayed 45 minutes.”
Suddenly there's another bang. Once again, the intercom clicks on and the pilot expresses his regret that they'll be delayed two hours.
Shortly thereafter, there is another bang and the pilot announces that they'll be delayed 3 hours. The blonde turns to the guy sitting beside her and says, “Man, if the fourth engine shuts off we'll be up here all day.”

2006-12-26 16:11:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How much prettier she is than you e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age d. Define pretty e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: (makes audible groan) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - - MAN: Sh&%.

2006-12-26 16:05:09 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-26 16:04:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I say 12, but my brother says 13

2006-12-26 16:02:31 · 17 answers · asked by Antonio 1

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school." SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school." MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." SON: "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school." SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?" MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school."

2006-12-26 15:51:29 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you get a nun pregnant?


Dress her up as an altar boy!

2006-12-26 15:48:20 · 14 answers · asked by Your hero until you meet Jesus 3

there's skid marks in front of the deer.

old joke

2006-12-26 15:41:19 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

PLEASE NOT CRUDE HUMOR BUT FUNNY STUFF!!!

2006-12-26 15:24:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Letter from a farm kid (now at San Diego, Marine Corps Recruit Training)

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are too. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer that the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you have to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay... practically nothing. Men got to shave but it's not so bad... there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over inSilver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join up before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding on in.

Your loving daughter,
Alice

2006-12-26 15:23:14 · 5 answers · asked by sci fi fan 3

Hey guys, I was just wondering if you guys have heard of the Cold Blooded Scooters. I am in that and me and my friend are going to post up videos on youtube to tell people about us. Our profile on youtube is scooterdudes200 where right now we have some vids of what we are. Tomorrow we will shoot our first CBS video called The CBSvideo: 1 Please tell me if you want to see anything or anything thathnks bye!

2006-12-26 15:14:07 · 3 answers · asked by skimboardergal6 3

2006-12-26 15:08:06 · 18 answers · asked by bond_james_1202 1

I bring forward to you, the mac-daddy of lame jokes :D

Unable to perform

A man getting along in years finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things; but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an Indian witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The witch doctor replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned: It will never work again."

(contd. below...)

2006-12-26 14:57:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

ur in a race. u over take the second person. wat posotion are u in

2006-12-26 14:57:26 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mick and Joe, were walking down a country road when the met a young lady struggling with a bike. "Are you right there?" says Mick to her. "My tyre is punctured", says the girl,"I'd be really grateful for some help." Mick turns to Joe. "You go on ahead there, I'll help the lady with her bike", he says, winking. "Right so" says Joe, winking back, and walks away down the road.

About twenty minutes later Joe hears a noise behind him, turns to see Mick on the bike, pedalling furious to catch up with him. "What are you doing with the bike?" says Joe. "Well", says Mike, "I helped your one fix the tyre and when we were done she lies back, takes off her knickers, and said that I could have anything I wanted. So I grabbed the bike."

"You cute hoor", says Joe,"Those knickers probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway!"

2006-12-26 14:30:31 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-26 14:28:13 · 8 answers · asked by Ali 2

The following number is the only one of its kind: 8,549,176,320

Can you figure out what is so special about it?

2006-12-26 14:11:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you have a funny song please write the lyrics and if u have a funny joke plzz write it down and if i think a person has a really good one ill put it as best answer!

2006-12-26 14:09:00 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous