who has funny jokes or songs??

Question

If you have a funny song please write the lyrics and if u have a funny joke plzz write it down and if i think a person has a really good one ill put it as best answer!

Answer 1

I will survive:
SING IT GIRLS!!! To the tune of I Will Survive!!!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That
I grew strong, And I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t, just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those
jeans!

Go on now - go, ! Walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!

[Chorus]

I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

Answer 2

A Complicated Song
by Al Yankovic

Lyrics:

Uh huh ... extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh ... save a piece for me

Pizza party at your house
I went just to check it out
Nineteen extra larges
What a shame
No one came

Just us eatin' all alone
You said, "Take the pizza home"
"No sense lettin' all this go to waste"
So then I faced

Pizza all day
And every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me blocked
And I sure don't care
For irregularity

Tell me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the bathroom ... I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take laxatives or have my colon irrigated?
No no no

I was feelin' pretty down
'Till my girlfriend came around
We're just so alike in every way
I gotta say

In fact, I just thought I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so tenderly
But woe is me

Who would have guessed
Her family crest
I'd suddely spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me

Tell me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me, if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is tolerated?
No no no no no no no
No no no no no no no
No no no no no

I had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I'd unwind
Try out that new roller coaster ride
And the guide

Said not to stand
But that's a demand
That I couldn't meet
I got on my feet
And stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see

Tell me
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag, now ... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated

Oh no
Why'd I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (yeah, yeah)
I gotta tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a bummer
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeeze
But my neck is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now
Haven't been the same since my head and I were separated
No no no

Answer 3

Artist: Ray Stevens
Song: Gitarzan

He's free as the breeze,
He's always at ease.
He lives in the jungle
And hangs by his knees,
As he swings through trees
Without a trapeeze,
In his BVD's.
A-hoo hoo!

He's got a union card
And he's practicin' hard
To play the gitar.
Gon' be a big star,
Yeah he's gonna go far.
An' carry moonbeams home in a jar!

He ordered Chet's guitar course COD,
Makes A&E an' he's workin' on B.
Digs C&W&R&B an' an' me an' a chimpanzee
Agree that one day soon he'll be,
A celebrity.
Get it!
Get it!
Get it!
Get it!
OWWWWWWWWW!

Gitarzan!
He's a gitar man!
He's all you can stand,
Give him a hand,
Gitarzan!

(Tarzan yell)
(Coughing)

He's gotta girl named Jane,
With no last name.
Kinda homely and plain,
But he loves her just the same.
'Cause she kindles a flame,
And it drives him insane,
When he hears her sing.
She really does her thing.
It's here claim to fame,
Come on, sing one Jane:

Baby, baby, Whaooooo Baby!
(Scatting)
Whaooooo Baby!

How 'bout that,
Lets here it for Jane!

Thank ya' folks.

Well, they gotta pet monkey,
He likes to get drunky,
And sing boogie woogie,
And it sounds real funky,
Come on, yo' time, boy,
Sing one monkey,
Here we go,

(Monkey grunts)

Lets here it for the monkey!
Whooooo!
(He He He He)

On Saturday night they need some excitement,
Jane gets right and the monkey gets tight,
And their voices unite, in the pale moon light,
And it sounds alright, yeah, it's dynamite,
It's outta sight.
Let's hear it, right nnnnnnnnow!

(Gitarzan, Jane, and monkery all together)

Jane:
Shut up baby, I'm tryin' to sing!

Get it!
Get it!
Get it!
Get it!
Owwwwwww!

Gitarzan!
And his jungle band!
They're all you can stand,
Give 'em a hand, Gitarzan!
(repeats once while fading)



Short People by Randy Newman


Short People


Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
Short People got no reason
To live

They got little hands
Little eyes
They walk around
Tellin' great big lies
They got little noses
And tiny little teeth
They wear platform shoes
On their nasty little feet

Well, I don't want no Short People
Don't want no Short People
Don't want no Short People
`Round here

Short People are just the same
As you and I
(A Fool Such As I)
All men are brothers
Until the day they die
(It's A Wonderful World)

Short People got nobody
Short People got nobody
Short People got nobody
To love

They got little baby legs
That stand so low
You got to pick 'em up
Just to say hello
They got little cars
That go beep, beep, beep
They got little voices
Goin' peep, peep, peep
Well, I don't want no Short People
Don't want no Short People
Don't want no Short People
'Round here
They got grubby little fingers
And dirty little minds
They're gonna get you every time
Well, I don't want no Short People
Don't want no Short People
Don't want no Short People
'Round here

Answer 4

Philosipher's Drinking Song
-Monty Python

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant,
Who was very rarely stable.

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

David Hume could out consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel;

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine,
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel...

There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed...

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill

Plato they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whiskey every day!

Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram--

And René Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed--
A lovely little thinker,
But a bugger when he's pissed!


-OR-

The Lumberjack Song
-Monty Python


The Lumberjack Song from "Monty Python's Flying Circus"
Continued from Petshop, Barber, or a variety of other Python sketches....

I never wanted to do this job in the first place!
I... I wanted to be...

A LUMBERJACK!

(piano vamp)

Leaping from tree to tree! As they float down the mighty rivers of
British Columbia! With my best girl by my side!
The Larch!
The Pine!
The Giant Redwood tree!
The Sequoia!
The Little Whopping Rule Tree!
We'd sing! Sing! Sing!


Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

CHORUS: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay,
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,
I go to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
And have buttered scones for tea.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
He goes to the lava-try.
On Wednesdays 'e goes shoppin'
And has buttered scones for tea.

CHORUS

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,
I like to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
He likes to press wild flowers.
He puts on women's clothing
And hangs around.... In bars???????

CHORUS

I chop down trees, I wear high heels,
Suspendies and a bra.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear papa.

Mounties: He cuts down trees, he wears high heels
Suspendies?? and a .... a Bra????
(spoken, raggedly) What's this? Wants to be a *girlie*? Oh, My!
And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter!

CHORUS

All: He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaaaayyy..... (BONG)

Sound Cue: The Liberty Bell March, by John Phillip Sousa.

Answer 5

Chris LeDoux
Rodeo Song

(Rodeo Song Lyrics)

Well it's 40 below and I don't give a f*u*c*k
Got a heater in my truck and I'm off to the rodeo
And it's ala man left and ala man right
Come on ya ******' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage ya god damn goof ya know

Piss me off ya ******' jerk get on my nerves

Well here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand
He's a one ball man and he's off to the rodeo
And it's ala man left and ala man right
Come on ya ******' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage god damn goof ya know

Piss me off ya ******' jerk get on my nerves

Well it's 40 below and I aint got a truck
and i dont give a f*u*c*k cause im off to the rodeo
And it's ala man left and ala man right
Come on ya ******' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage ya god damn goof ya know

Piss me off ya ******' jerk get on my nerves

Well here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand
He's a one ball man and he's off to the rodeo
And it's ala man and ala man right
Come on ya ******' dummy get your right step right
Get off the stage ya god damn goof ya know

Piss me off ******' jerk get on my nerves