Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

my friend found out who i liked and yell it at him at the top of her lungs so the whole hall could hear! how can i save my school career and get back at my friend?!

2006-12-27 15:17:52 · 16 answers · asked by cheyenne g 1

2006-12-27 15:09:38 · 15 answers · asked by free 1

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...



1. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.


2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.


7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.


10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.


11.. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.




AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!! And Yes, I was laughing and I did scroll back to see that there wasn't a #9

2006-12-27 15:09:14 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

But now i have forgotten it.. It was so funny and rude.....

2006-12-27 14:52:00 · 29 answers · asked by Peace 2

I'm just asking for some help, I have been on this level for weeks Can't figure it out. Just a few hints orsomething...

2006-12-27 14:41:27 · 6 answers · asked by Lexy 1

I have a banquet next month and I want to give out funny awards like...colgate smile and he has no teeth...lol please give me some ideas...

2006-12-27 14:35:46 · 13 answers · asked by Smurf 1

A man was walking on a beach. There was no wind that day. When he looked back, he didn't see his footprints. How is this possible?

2006-12-27 14:30:39 · 4 answers · asked by S 3

I used to have the number but I forgot it. Does anybody know what it is?

2006-12-27 14:07:14 · 17 answers · asked by lascobee 3

I am so old, when I was young, I fell off a rocking horse made out of leaves and almost broke my wooden underwear!

I am so old, I am the inventor of the word "old"!

I am so old, I put the dirt to shame!

2006-12-27 14:04:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-27 13:59:05 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

An Irish man was walking to the pub one day. He was upset because he could no longer afford to bring up his 14 daughters and 15th on the way. He had to marry them off.

At the pub, the man asks for a whiskey. The bartender asks him "Aye, whats the long face for? Every day you come in here so happy, what is wrong?"

"Aye, me daughters must be married off to their husbands. I can no longer afford to bring them up."

The bartender tells him that he will give him 20 pounds to give to each of his daughters as a gift.

The man thanks him, and returns home to find his family sitting in the living room.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHHAAHHAAHAHAHA

THAT WAS HILARIOUS

2006-12-27 13:58:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. What is the only word you can add 2 letters on to make shorter?
2. What kind of room is impossible to enter?

if opposites attract then the offspring must be: MOOTRRHOSHUSM

In these two lies a dream, held in the hands of deception. Fed to the mouths of the ones with the least self control. The second sign is the emblem that these people hunger for. What is this emblem?

2006-12-27 13:52:59 · 9 answers · asked by lol omg jk lmao brb ty yw stfu 1

not a cat-dog

2006-12-27 13:21:40 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

hey my name is shaq and i just want to ask to the world is the koolaid man gay. the koolaid man is gangsta but i just everybody's opinion.

2006-12-27 13:14:22 · 18 answers · asked by shaqdesial13 1

think

2006-12-27 13:07:16 · 31 answers · asked by Killer_dancing_babe666xxx 1

help me with this riddle please

2006-12-27 13:03:53 · 16 answers · asked by yours_truly_2008 1

A woman goes to buy a parrot, and the shopkeeper says, "We've got one for £100, one for £200 and one for £15."
"Why is that one so cheap?" says the woman.
"Well, it used to live in a brothel, so it's a bit foulmouthed."
The woman says she doesn't mind, so she pays £15 and takes the parrot home. As soon as she takes the cover off the cage, the parrot says, "F**k me, a new Madam."
"I am not a Madam, and this is not a brothel," says the woman, but she thinks it's quite funny. Later on, her two teenage daughters come in.
"F**k me," says the parrot, "New prostitutes!"
"We are not prostitutes," say the daughters, but they think it's quite funny too. "Wait till Dad comes in and hears this parrot, he'll go spare." So they put the parrot in the hall, the door opens and Dad comes in. Dad looks at the parrot, and the parrot looks at him, and the the parrot says, "F**k me, Dave, haven't seen you for weeks."

2006-12-27 12:55:30 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

"The worlds hardest Riddle"
Can you guess the riddle?

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the riddle?

2006-12-27 12:44:47 · 30 answers · asked by masteryoda 3

Two missionaries are captured by pygmie cannibals in the Amazon. The two men are tied up and surrounded by the entire tribe. Their leader tells the missionaries they have two choices, immediate death or “Unga Bunga.” The first man says, “I don’t care I am not ready to die, I choose “Unga Bunga!” After this all the male tribesmen drop their pants and proceed to have sex with him. They release him and he runs crying into the jungle. The leader then asks the second man, what do you choose? The missionary replies, you can go ahead and kill me!” Then the leader shouts, “Okay, Death by “Unga Bunga!!!”

2006-12-27 12:43:31 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young couple had been dating for six months when he professed his love to her and asked her to marry him. She immediately accepted but the fact was that they had not been sexually active, waiting for marriage. As they are driving home after his proposal, she says “I think before we get married I should tell you something, and if you don’t want to marry me after I tell you then I will understand. The fact is that I am really flat chested. I have been padding my bra and I really don’t have anything up there.” He thought about it a second and said “There are far more important things than breast size, and I love you so that doesn’t change my mind at all.” A few minutes later he tells her “I also have something I should tell you, and I understand if you wont marry me after I tell you. See the thing is, well my manhood…well its like a baby.” She thinks about it a second and replies “I love you and there are much more important things than the size of your penis.” Two months later they eloped, and they are in their hotel ready to have sex for the first time. She takes her dress off and sure enough she is flat as a board. He takes his pants off and she faints. When she comes too she says “I thought you said it was the size of a baby’s?!?!” “No,” he replied, “I said it was like a baby, 20 inches long and 8 lbs, 4 oz.”

2006-12-27 12:42:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A group of friends down in Arkansas are off fishing in the lake lamenting their buddy not being there. One of them said, “Its funny and all not having Bobby here fishing, but I sure hope he is enjoyin’ his honeymoon.” A few minutes later, Bobby joins them on the dock. “What the hell are you doing here, Why arent you on your honeymoon?” “I had to leave her,” he replied picking up a pole. “Well why the hell did you have to leave her already!?!?!, “ his friend asked. “Well its cos she was still a virgin,” he replied. “Well so what if she is a virgin, whats wrong with that,” another of them says. “Well, if she wasn’t good enough for her daddy, she aint good enough for me.”

2006-12-27 12:42:03 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

HER DIARY

Saturday night...

I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you, too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted no thing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.

(contd. below...)

2006-12-27 12:27:09 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

you cannot fix stupid, sorry.
Why do morons like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why did it take the moron an hour to eat breakfast?
Because the orange juice carton instructions said Concentrate ! !

What do you do if a moron throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back at him.

How did the moron fall on the floor?
He tripped over the cordless phone.

How did the moron try to kill a bird?
He threw it off a mountain cliff !

Why did the moron climb the glass wall ?
To see what was on the other side!

How do you confuse a moron?
Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in one corner!

Hear about the moron that got an AM radio?
It took him a month to realize he could play it at night.

Why did the moron going to the airport turn around and go home?
Because he saw the sign that said "Airport Left".

Two morons were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
The first moron said "These look like deer tracks,"
and the other moron said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued, and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Why can't a moron dial 911?
He can't find the 11 on the phone!

How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!

2006-12-27 12:26:43 · 13 answers · asked by Rae-May 3

Does it cost you money? If not, everyone should listen to it. It's priceless!!!

2006-12-27 12:22:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay this guy is sitting at a bar he finally gets to order and he asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender pours him a shot and he gives the bartender a twenty dollar bill, and then suddenly a little man jumps out of his pocket and kicks the shot glass over and flips him the bird and jumps back in his pocket. The bartender looks at him in amazement and pours another shot and he again gives the bartender a twenty and the little guy jumps out of his pocket and kicks the glass over again and flips him the bird.

The bartender finally asks "what the heck is the deal with the little guy?" "Well I found a genie and he granted me three wishes. The first one was that I wished I good looking. The second wish was that I had an endless supply of money."

The bartender then asked him "well that doesnt explain the little guy jumping out of your pocket and kicking your shots over!" The man replied "My third wish was that I had a twelve inch prick."

Funny?

2006-12-27 12:11:01 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do i do

2006-12-27 12:01:26 · 28 answers · asked by colliervillekate 1

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night for best toast!". She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

2006-12-27 11:58:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

...fake pregnancy test strips that always gave a positive? It would beat the hell out of those fake winning scratchoff lotto tickets.

Am I the only person who'd be mean enough to find a use for this?

2006-12-27 11:46:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can anyone tell me a story which involves three wishes?

2006-12-27 11:45:44 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fishing For a Sale

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.

I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

2006-12-27 11:44:56 · 12 answers · asked by Tabor 4