Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

What is at the head of fashion, but always out of date?

2006-12-28 22:49:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm sure a lot of you are gonna get it right.. So, if your answer makes me smile the most, you'll get the best answer..

2006-12-28 22:47:46 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two redneck college football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the State game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________." Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed, then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

2006-12-28 22:40:31 · 3 answers · asked by Colin H 3

Driver : u r the third pregnant lady i am taking to the Airport

Lady : But I am not Pregnant

Driver :We haven't reached the airport yet..

2006-12-28 22:34:41 · 14 answers · asked by rahul 1

I'm depressed and need something to lift my spirits. Thanks.

2006-12-28 22:31:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-28 22:17:34 · 16 answers · asked by Hugeteetees 2

." A New York woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled prior to a trip to Rome. "Rome?” says the hairdresser, “Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.” "So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "
!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, & they're always late.”
“ So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place called Teste..."

" I know that place. It's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly & they're overpriced.

”So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican & we hope to see the Pope."

The hairdresser laughed, "You & a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked, ”How was the trip?”
"Wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continentals’ brand new planes, but it was overbooked & they bumped us up to first class. The food & wine were wonderful, & I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand & foot. And the hotel just finished a $5million remodeling job & now it's just a jewel, finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked & gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder & explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors & if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door & shook my hand! I knelt down & he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the hairdresser. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the sh!tty hairdo?

2006-12-28 22:12:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

To teach women about irritating c**ts before they marry one!

:-D

2006-12-28 22:11:55 · 19 answers · asked by Colin H 3

He said he'd had every woman on our street,But one ! When i told my mrs
she said I bet it was that snobby cow two doors down the road

2006-12-28 22:06:07 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

No dirty answers please.

2006-12-28 22:04:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

remember the trombone goes up to 2 octives it's very very tall with fully out and the notes are a semitone apart

2006-12-28 21:59:12 · 7 answers · asked by altosax t 1

1.
grandfather: do u know, i could tell every president's name of the united state without any mistake in my good old student life?
grandson:yes, u could! Cause there was only 3 president that time!!
2.
passenger:why did u stopped the car?
driver: we ra out of gas!!we can't go any forward!!
passenger:okey, then let's go backward to home!!
3.
:did u watered the plants today?
:no, it was raining!
:then why didn't u wear a rain coat to water the plants??
4.
:yesterday, u came to rob my store, i caught u and forgived u!! THEN U CAME BACK AGAIN??
:i couldnot help!! THE DOOR WAS SAYING "thank you, please come again!!"
5.
1st begger: if u win a lottary, what would u do first??
2nd begger: i'd buy a scooter!! i am tird of begging by walking!!
6.
:can u tell me when did the 1st world war happened??
:Before the 2nd world war!!
7.
:waiter, there's a fly on my tea!!
:yeah, great swimmer, isn't it??

HOPE U ALL UNDERSTAND THESE 7!!

2006-12-28 21:51:37 · 9 answers · asked by Annoymous 3

answer in a few minutes

2006-12-28 21:44:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-28 21:37:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anilash A 1

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: "After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

2006-12-28 21:23:12 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''

2006-12-28 21:07:19 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three gay men died, and were cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, ''My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane to scatter his ashes in the sky.''

The second man said, ''My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.''

The third man said, ''My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my a-s up just one more time.''

2006-12-28 20:47:04 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to s**t yourself when I tell you the price."

2006-12-28 20:46:03 · 16 answers · asked by bubble 1

What did the cashier say to the man with fake hair, as he was trying to steal something?
---
"Sir! You have to pay!"

2006-12-28 20:17:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a lion was stalking through the jungle one day when he came across a bull. the lion and the bull got into a tremendous battle, but in the end the lion killed the bull and ate him up. the lion was so pleased with himself that he threw back his head and roared and roared. the noise attracted a hunter who followed the sound until he found the lion. the hunter took aim and killed the lion with a single shot.

the moral of the story: when you are full of bull, it's wise to keep your mouth shut.

2006-12-28 19:57:40 · 29 answers · asked by straitjacket feeling 2

its a four letter word and is the reason we celebrate a new year?

2006-12-28 19:56:57 · 10 answers · asked by josh m 2

Sometimes I amuse myself:-)

This Christmas I gave my friend a DVD, but I wrapped it up in a really huge box to make it look like she was getting something bigger.

And when my family moved to a new house, I told my little sister the windows were soundproof and you could scream as loud as you want and nobody would hear you. I demostrated that by standing outside by the window moving my mouth and pretending to scream. Then my sister tried it, really screaming at the top of her lungs and I was like "I can't hear a word you're saying!"

Another time I made a fake newspaper scan with an embarassing yearbook picture of my dad.

2006-12-28 19:43:37 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I had to write this for school, what grade would you give it?... sorry about the end, it got cut off, over the limit...

Adventurous
I am working my way up the slippery rocks. A kid in front of me is barely moving. Her legs right in front of me constantly shaking, making me more nervous. With each step I take, I am getting closer and closer to the top. My heart is beating so fast like a herd of buffalos are running inside of me. The smell of damp trees and plants surround me as well as a chilly breeze that drifts down my spine.
I try to keep my eyes from looking down at the rocky, steep hill with sharp edges and narrow paths. As I look up, I see the white puffy clouds that stand out from the crystal blue sky above. They come closer with each step I take. I am so scared that I’ll slip on a rock and fall off the edge. To help keep my balance, I grab onto rocks in front of me or to the side. Before I knew it, the counselor in the front cheerfully says, “congratulations, you’ve all made

2006-12-28 19:31:13 · 12 answers · asked by nikkecola17 3

I am a rock group that has 4 members, all of whom are dead, one of which was assasinated. What am I?

2006-12-28 19:15:25 · 5 answers · asked by Eric H 4

Those who sleep with itchy backside..........
Wake up with smelly fingers.

May be a stale one here already, heard this on the radio couple of days back and thought it will be nice to share with the rest of the world. Happy New Year everyone.

2006-12-28 19:13:04 · 17 answers · asked by SHIH TZU SAYS 6

their is this weird *** person who lives next door to me and buys from ebay alot..they said they bought used underwear lol and i was like thats so nasty who the hell would even buy or wear used underwear lol but this person said they got a good buy! lol

2006-12-28 19:11:37 · 36 answers · asked by Anna 1

A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary.

The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever"

Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"

2006-12-28 19:09:03 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 14yr old boy ran into his house yelling "mom mom come quick, I have great news!" The mother asked "what is it, whats so exciting!" "I had sex for the first time today!" replied the boy The mother gasped, raised her hand and slapped the boy across the face. "get up to your room and stay ther until your father gets home!!" yelled the mother. An hour later the boys father arrived home, got the update from the mother and went upstairs to talk to the boy. "so I hear you had sex for the first time today" said the father "Your mother is upset, but I think this is something for a father and son to celebrate! What do you say we go and get you that motor-bike you’ve been asking for?" "wow, answered the boy, "but do you think we can wait until tommorrow, my *** is still killing me!!"

2006-12-28 18:55:05 · 14 answers · asked by ??? 1

2006-12-28 18:47:05 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to a medium to try to contact a recently deceased friend of his. The seer goes into her trance and her voice becomes very deep. "Who is trying to contact me?"

"Murray," the guy says, "it's me, Sol. I want to know what it's like up there."

The medium says, "It's good. I have fifty girlfriends. Everyday, I get up, have breakfast, then some sex. I take a nap, eat lunch, then more sex. In the afternoon, it's a snack, another nap, dinner, then more push, push, push."

They guy exclaims, "Good Lord, Murray!! It really is heaven up there then."

The medium replies, "What heaven? I was reincarnated as a rabbit in Montana."

2006-12-28 18:42:18 · 13 answers · asked by Yinzer Power 6