Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

2006-12-29 07:00:38 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-29 06:50:53 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If so beat yourself about the head with a screw driver.

2006-12-29 06:50:16 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy asks why a dog is allowed on the plane with them and a DEA officer explains he's a DEA enforcement dog. After the plane is in the air for about a half hour, she sends the dog up one of the aisles. He goes about half way and sits down next to some guy. The pasenger asks, "Why is that dog just sitting there?" The officer explaines, "He smells illegal drugs on that guy. We will arrest him when we land." She sends the dog down another aisle, this time he sits next to someone and starts barking. The passenger asks why the dog is barking and the officer says, "That guy has a gun on him - we will arrest him when we land, too." Again she send the dog down the aisle the other way. He walks all the way to the rear of the airplane, and comes running back at full speed, yelping and loosing control of his bladder all the way back up the aisle. The pasenger asks, "What does THAT mean???" The officer says, "That means he found a bomb, and it's ticking."

2006-12-29 06:42:09 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-29 06:39:45 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-29 06:37:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

My fav one is:

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Ever the quick one on his feet, John replied, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

2006-12-29 06:33:57 · 5 answers · asked by JACQUI S 3

coz i might feel like mailing him if he had one

2006-12-29 06:27:37 · 17 answers · asked by The Hitman 4

Can you answer this riddle?


Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey. See if you can guess the riddle at the end.
Paul Harvey Writes:
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.
Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them.
Paul Harvey RIDDLE:
When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.
What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

2006-12-29 06:23:50 · 21 answers · asked by hotfemale247 1

minks..........the same way minks get minks !!!!!!!!!

2006-12-29 06:20:05 · 17 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-12-29 06:16:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-29 06:09:00 · 17 answers · asked by Glittering angel 3

A bus driver was heading down a street in Colorado. He went right past a stop sign without stopping, he turned left where there was a "no left turn" sign, and he went the wrong way on a one-way street. Then he went on the left side of the road past a cop car. Still - he didn't break any traffic laws. Why not?

2006-12-29 06:00:43 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man said to his son: " You are a teenager now and we should talk about sexual issues"

son : "Ok Dad, What do you want to know ...? "

2006-12-29 05:59:59 · 8 answers · asked by hib hib 2

2006-12-29 05:52:35 · 5 answers · asked by suresh r 1

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

“What happened?” she asks.

“I've never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!”

2006-12-29 05:48:38 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt.

A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!"

So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed.

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase.

Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear.

When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?"

"Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed.

"Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here.

;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

2006-12-29 05:37:29 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hello,

I want you to wake up the creative side inside you and suggest me what should I write in the birthday greeting card.

My best friend will have his 19th birthday tomorrow and I just bought him a pack of Durex condoms :D (the most expensive ones)...

I thought about few points I guess that will sound fine
* you're just like a brother to me
* protect yourself

make up stuff by your own too.
one-two lines of some cute thing (but not gay!) would be nice.

2006-12-29 05:32:50 · 13 answers · asked by Arcady 3

One time i was working unloading this truck for this white trucker from Tennessee.
he was ALWAYS talkin about sex,...SEx sex,sex!(i thought "wow" THIS stereotype about truckers really IS true!") So,since he stayed on that subject,..I said "Yeah, these *ucking Crackwhores costs MORE than what they used to! they want $20 now instead of $5 or 10!"
He goes"EXCUSE me?! what did you say?"
I said "Yeah, these *ucking Crackwhores costs MORE!" he goes "What?! EXCUSE me?!"
he looked like he was gettin offended!
He goes "These f uckin CRACKERS?!!!" I go "NO No! no! I said Crack WHORES! u Know Drug Addicts that smoke crack!"
and he goes "OHHH! CRACK WHORES!"(He thought i said "Yeah,these F**** CRACKERS Costs More than what they used to!") So we laughed about that for a long time while we was working then,about an hour latter he goes "Youre Right! us Crackers costs 10 times More than what we used to!"

2006-12-29 05:28:19 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

answer this ?a father and son are driving down road and the car hits a tree, the son is killed instantly and the father is rushed into intensive care, the surgeon comes out and says thats my son who is the surgeon,?honestly it took me ages to get the answer

2006-12-29 05:09:41 · 33 answers · asked by LYNDA M 5

Hi guys,

I wonder if anyone can help me with a software problem I'm experiencing
at
the moment.

Some time ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2
which
I'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try
and
run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several
other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2.0 and
Playboy
6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware
beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my
system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other
they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fiancee 1.0 only to discover that this
product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because,
whilst
Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with
FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However, I discovered that Wife 1.0
can
be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made
were
automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted,
they
then resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary
Explorer and E-mail pornfilter, and can, without warning, launch
Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no helpfiles and
require you to try and guess the problem yourself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle, that came with
the original system, needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe
ShopBrowser
Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled
every week. It also conflicted with some of the new games I wanted to
try,
stating that they are an illegal operation.

When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Nova program, it often crashes or
runs
the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called
Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently, I've been tempted
to
try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the
presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money files before
uninstalling itself.

2006-12-29 05:07:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i want to burn a CD with R Kelly Teapped in the Closet,and Beyonce and all that stuff.

2006-12-29 05:05:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-29 04:53:23 · 11 answers · asked by VISHALKOHLI 1

2006-12-29 04:51:23 · 24 answers · asked by Deranged Insanity 2

2006-12-29 04:47:42 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-29 04:42:47 · 11 answers · asked by cláudio b 2

Never Again Volunteer Yourself



What does US ARMY stand for backwards??
Yes My Retarded A$$ Signed Up



What does US MC stand for?(besides United states marine core)
Uncle Sams Mental Children

2006-12-29 04:41:10 · 12 answers · asked by Hannah HaYwIrE!?1♥ 3

2006-12-29 04:28:14 · 16 answers · asked by Willy 1

a new immigrant from mexico wanted to get a job in the U.S. he couldnt speak any english at all. his first job was being a singer. there he learned ti say 'me me me me me me'. his next job was at a restaraunt where her learned to say 'spoons and forks, spoons and forks'. his next job was at a wal-mart, where he learned to say 'plug it in, plug it in'.
one day the guy was driving down the highway and a cop pulled him over. he gave him a ticket for speeding and asked "there is this mass murderer that's been going around town killing people. do you have any idea who might be doing this?" the immigrant responded "me me me me me me me" the cop said "oh. and what have you been using?" "spoons and forks, spoons and forks." "that's it, im taking you in!"
the immigrant was in jail. weeks went by and he had his trial, and he had his death sentence. he would be sentenced to the electric chair. right before he died he said 'plug it in, plug it in'

2006-12-29 04:26:29 · 15 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3

2006-12-29 04:26:19 · 10 answers · asked by ikhimiukor s 1