Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

why dose'nt santa have any children ? because he only comes once a year and thats down a chimney

2006-12-29 11:44:01 · 3 answers · asked by roxy 2

2006-12-29 11:32:52 · 3 answers · asked by Mat B 1

To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever!

Thank you, an good night.

2006-12-29 11:28:59 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young priest was taking confession in a convent school for the first time.
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," says the first schoolgirl, "I had impure thoughts about my teacher."
"Impure thoughts - that's four Hail Mary's," says the priest.
"Bless me, Father," says the second schoolgirl. "I stole a pencil from the stationery cupboard."
"Stealing - that's six Hail Marys," says the priest.
But the third schoolgirl says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a bl*w job behind the bike sheds."
The priest is flummoxed - he's never heard this before, and he doesn't know what penance to impose. Slipping out of the confessional, he meets one of the nuns in the chapel. "Quick, Sister Lillian," he whispers. "What does Father Patrick usually give for a bl*w job?
"20 quid," she replies :)

2006-12-29 11:20:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

her indoors went out shopping last week in the family car and has not returned .SUBSTANTIAL REWARD FOR RETURN OF THE CAR

2006-12-29 11:05:20 · 11 answers · asked by ELAINE F 3

2006-12-29 10:58:59 · 3 answers · asked by bex 3

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

2006-12-29 10:56:37 · 11 answers · asked by @$H!!! 1

A convict escapes from jail, breaks into a house and ties up the young couple that are naked in bed. As they lie there, helpless, the wife says, "Look, we'll do anything you ask. Take what you want - money, food, the car, anything, but please don't hurt us."
The convict replies, "Well, I've been in jail for 20 years now...I've had nothing to eat but bread and water; I've had nothing to do but sew mailbags and I haven't set eyes on a woman in all that time."
Before the wife can say anything, the husband says, "Take whatever you want. Don't kill us and we'll do anything you want.
"Anything?" "Well then, roll over pretty boy. You remind me of my last cellmate." :)

2006-12-29 10:55:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

now how many of you that answered that question about the hole in your toothbrush and why it's there, how many of you actually went to the bathroom to check? this was designed to give you some exercise and not to sit in front of this screen all evning, well done you passed and it was a bit of fun wasn't it.

2006-12-29 10:42:00 · 3 answers · asked by matured 3

It said, hey I think I lost an electron today.

The second said, are you sure.

It said, yea, I'm positive.

2006-12-29 10:41:59 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Does anyone know where i can download a copy of this version: Terry wogan used to play it

The Bad Side of the 12 Days of Christmas

It starts like this:

Day 1
Dear Nola,
Thank you very much for your lovely present of a partridge in a pear tree. We are getting the hang of feeding the partridge now, although it was difficult at first to win its confidance. It bit the Mother rather badly on the hand, but they're good friends now, and we're keeping the pear tree indoors in a bucket. Thank you again.
Yours affectionately,
Bognot O'Launacy.

2006-12-29 10:38:52 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman walks into the dentists, takes off her knickers and sits in the chair with a leg over each arm.
"Madam, I think there's some mistake," says the dentist - "the gynaecologist's surgery is on the next floor."
"No mistake," replies the woman, "yesterday you put in my husband's new dentures. Today I want you to take them out." :)

2006-12-29 10:36:50 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blondee is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2006-12-29 10:34:55 · 10 answers · asked by connie a 1

2006-12-29 10:32:04 · 8 answers · asked by Herm 4

the police are looking into it

2006-12-29 10:29:12 · 6 answers · asked by twiztidsdad 5

I checked with your q and a and found that some really know a bit about mi-ki's. I have one and know much of the story. I suspect there are only a few who know the details. The current story is not necessarily the correct one.

2006-12-29 10:11:07 · 4 answers · asked by lola1 2

Three women are about to be executed for crimes. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.

Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

2006-12-29 10:06:07 · 28 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

2006-12-29 10:02:30 · 25 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

Do you think we'll drift apart

2006-12-29 10:00:49 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-29 09:53:19 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's one way of making sure a sales promotion won't bankrupt your business.

A sign in a local barbarshop read "We offer senior-citizen discounts. Must be at least 80 yrs old and accompanied by a parent.

Happy Holidays to all, just having some fun!

2006-12-29 09:50:20 · 14 answers · asked by Grand Ma Jay 2

A man dies of old age... He died when he was 20. How is this possible?

2006-12-29 09:39:21 · 18 answers · asked by killaofthedark 3

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit. She instructed her son to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After Junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile. Women!! She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure. People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was. The woman asked Junior to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called. Junior said, "the subscriber you have dialed is not available."

2006-12-29 09:31:21 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

SAUSAGE

2006-12-29 09:27:50 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is enjoying a smoke in front of a sky scraper, when suddenly he is approached by a social health worker, who immediately questions him.
-So how long have you been smoking for?
-About 30 years.
-Right. And how many you smoke a day?
-Couple of packs or so.
-Well you know what, if you didnt smoke you would have had enough money to buy that skyscraper.
-Wow, that's interesting. Now, madam, let me ask you a question. Do you smoke?
-No.
-Do you own a skyscraper?
-No.
-Well I smoke and that skyscraper is mine so you can go and screw yourself.

2006-12-29 09:11:28 · 34 answers · asked by Smee 2

I was watching "mean girls" today, and a joke was "are your buns butterd? Would you like someone to butter them for you?" I don't get it.

2006-12-29 09:11:00 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

2006-12-29 09:06:34 · 5 answers · asked by you know you want me 1

2006-12-29 08:59:45 · 30 answers · asked by Zefram 2

2006-12-29 08:57:38 · 5 answers · asked by julie c 1

2006-12-29 08:56:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous