Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Viagra Falls.

2006-12-30 02:57:05 · 4 answers · asked by Dr Know It All 5

..she is just staring her periods and is feeling under the weather.After explaining the situation to her teacher,the teacher suggests that she goes home.'Your brother is in year 7 is n't he...he can take you home.' little Billy is summoned and the teacher says to him: 'Billy I want you to take your sister home but make sure you come straight back!'
They are both on their way home when they have this conversation:
Billy : 'Why are you allowed to stay at home and I'm not?'................
Jane : 'Cos I'm ill.'..............................................................................
B : 'You don't look ill to me,you 're just pulling a fast one!'................
J : 'No,honestly-I'm bleeding'
B : 'Bleeding? Do n't lie , I can't see any blood'
J : 'Truly,I am-look,if you promise not to tell anyone, I'll show you'
They both jump over a gate into a field and she shows him.
B : 'MY GOD.. no wonder you're bleeding..someone's cut your co*k off!'

2006-12-30 02:51:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man had an idea that could make him rich. After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors' help group.
When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple. The group looked at it and started laughing. The inventor said, "You don't understand! Taste it."

A volunteer tried it and said, "Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches."

The inventor said, "Flip it over."

He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes."

The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said, "What does it taste like?"

"Pus5y," said the inventor.

The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like a55!"

The inventor winked and said, "Flip it over."

(5=s)

2006-12-30 02:31:26 · 24 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

A young lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job. The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home." Well the manager liked the kid, so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, After the store was locked up,
the manager came down and asked the kid "OK,so how many sales did you make today?" The kid said "One." The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid replied "£101,237.64." The manager choked and exclaimed "£101,237.64? What the hell did you sell
him?" The kid said "Well, 1st I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook,and then a new fishing rod.Then I asked where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said his
Honda Civic wouldn't pull it,

2006-12-30 02:25:10 · 37 answers · asked by Jo C 3

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly. "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and it could do with a cut!"

2006-12-30 02:18:33 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Door-to-Door Sales Crap

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

2006-12-30 02:18:29 · 3 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

Only one, most guys will screw anything.

2006-12-30 02:13:19 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-30 02:10:58 · 20 answers · asked by juo 1

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 Japanese yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

2006-12-30 02:03:15 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys are sitting around at a bar and they get to talking about the good times and eventually get on the subject of the best day they each ever had.

The first guy says he was on the golf course and it was just magic... He killed the course every drive...beautiful and long. The putts were like the ball had eyes, and he finished nine under par, his greatest day.

The second guy said his was at the bowling alley, just last week. Every ball was picture perfect solid in the pocket, and just blasted the pins. A 300 game...his greatest ever day.

The third guy says he once found a woman tied to the railroad tracks. He unties her and carries her off into the woods. In the woods, he rips off his clothes and hers and has sex for over an hour, after that he rolled her over and went to it from the rear for another hour. Satisfied, he lays back in the woods and has a cigarette, the perfect finish to the perfect day.

The first two agree that the third guy's day was the best of the best, but they say to the third guy,

"With all that sex out in the woods for all that time, how come no ********?"

"Ahhh, I never did find her head."

2006-12-30 01:59:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son", said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess", said the priest.

"It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors", continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father", said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son", said the priest.

The old man asked "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

2006-12-30 01:58:22 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

2006-12-30 01:56:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

fill it in for fun

2006-12-30 01:50:04 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A: He makes love to you until 2 a.m. then turns into chocolate.

2006-12-30 01:48:54 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

She was Pushed?
About 6 years agoin Indiana,Carmen Winstead was pushed down a sewer opening by 5 girls in her school,trying to embarrass her in front ofher school during a fire drill.When she didn't submerge the police were called.They went downand brought up17 year old Carmen Winstead's body,her neck broken from hitting the ladder,and then theside concrete at the bottom.The girls told everyone she fell...They believed them.FACT:2 months ago,16 year old David Gregory read this post and didn't repost it.When he went totake a showerhe heardlaughterfrom his shower,he started freaking out and ran to his computer to repost it.He said goodnightto his momand went to sleep.5 hours laterhis mom woke upin the middle of the night cause of a loud noise.David was gone.That morning a few hours later the police found him in the sewer,his neck broken and his face skin peeled off.If you don't repost this saying"They pushed her"Then Carmen will get you,either from a sewer, the toilet, the shower,or when you go to sleep

2006-12-30 01:46:25 · 5 answers · asked by (¿¿) 2

I lady walks into a super market and gets a litre of milk, a pound of ham, 1 bunch of banana, a half dozen eggs and a couple tins of cat food.

She brings it all up to the counter and the guy at the till rings it all in then says "Your single right?"

"Ya i am, how did you know?" says the women.

And the guy says, "Your ugly!"



What does that mean?

2006-12-30 01:44:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

This penguin is driving along the road when he hears a very loud BANG and his car stops. So he calls out the AA (or AAA, depending where you live) and they tow him into the next village. The garage mechanic tuts and frets but says he'll look at it in a couple of hours.

So he waddles off to the village store and has some ice cream and frozen fish for lunch, and hangs around the frozen food cabinet, er, chilling out.
Two hours later, he waddles back up to the garage...

Out comes the mechanic, wiping his hands on an oily rag. He sees the penguin and says, "Well, looks like you've blown a seal". The penguin hurriedly replies. "Oh no, it's just ice cream".

2006-12-30 01:44:09 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Iv'e just heard there's hundreds of jobs there!

2006-12-30 01:42:36 · 9 answers · asked by jabelite 3

2006-12-30 01:40:32 · 9 answers · asked by Scott D 1

fill it in

2006-12-30 01:38:54 · 16 answers · asked by Scott D 1

About 6 years agoin Indiana,Carmen Winstead was pushed down a sewer opening by 5 girls in her school,trying to embarrass her in front ofher school during a fire drill.When she didn't submerge the police were called.They went downand brought up17 year old Carmen Winstead's body,her neck broken from hitting the ladder,and then theside concrete at the bottom.The girls told everyone she fell...They believed them.FACT:2 months ago,16 year old David Gregory read this post and didn't repost it.When he went totake a showerhe heardlaughterfrom his shower,he started freaking out and ran to his computer to repost it.He said goodnightto his momand went to sleep.5 hours laterhis mom woke upin the middle of the night cause of a loud noise.David was gone.That morning a few hours later the police found him in the sewer,his neck broken and his face skin peeled off.If you don't repost this saying"They pushed her"Then Carmen will get you,either from a sewer, the toilet, the shower,or when you go to sleep

2006-12-30 01:38:23 · 4 answers · asked by JUDI 3

sweets!!

2006-12-30 01:35:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

a fridge wearing a denim jacket!

2006-12-30 01:28:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed; I shall be back home before midnight. When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table............
My Dear Husband,
I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary,is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation,although with 1 small difference

2006-12-30 01:25:56 · 15 answers · asked by Jo C 3

I think its a best wish one can ask from a JINN...,,,,,,
but one day for invis is like a dropo in an ocean............

2006-12-30 01:25:47 · 10 answers · asked by Gr8life 2

2006-12-30 01:17:23 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-30 01:14:12 · 4 answers · asked by ஐ♥Julian'sMommy♥ஐ 7

2006-12-30 01:07:30 · 1 answers · asked by gorgeousfluffpot 5

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been
asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up . Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she
is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....!!

2006-12-30 00:21:21 · 20 answers · asked by Jo C 3

2006-12-29 23:57:20 · 10 answers · asked by cordellialynn 3