Jokes & Riddles - December 2006

Bear in mind that the goldfish likes mucking around in fountains.

2006-12-30 05:22:00 · 12 answers · asked by Cream tea 4

2006-12-30 05:19:59 · 7 answers · asked by Helena P 1

why did the moron throw the clock out of the window? So he could see time fly.

2006-12-30 05:17:10 · 12 answers · asked by Bigfoots` Cousin 1

...shortly after they divorced. The judge asks the woman, "Why should you have custody?"

The woman says, "Well, I brought the child into the world, so I should get to keep it."

The judge then asks the man the same question.

The mans thinks for a minute and says, "Well, judge, if I put a dollar bill into a soda machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

2006-12-30 05:10:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i live in kissimmee im 13 and i am spending the day with my dad and sister.i have 170 dollars and we need sumthing to do today.any suggestions??

2006-12-30 05:10:46 · 5 answers · asked by Hannah HaYwIrE!?1♥ 3

A man was walking one day and he had a balloon in his hand.
The kid asks "HEY what are you doing with that balloon in your hand"
The man says "Oh I thought I would hold some air"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2006-12-30 05:01:32 · 21 answers · asked by Snow Leopard 3

At the Job Interview Brett meets the Interviewer and while shaking his hand says "Hi,Mr.Dumbass!!"
The Interviewer smiles and says "I have a confession to make.....
and i dont think youre gonna like it......"(He says it just Like John Travolta did in the movie:Face Off)
Brett: "Yes,Mr. Dumbass?"
The Interviewer:"The NAME is Mister DU-MAS!! you DumbASS!!"
Now...... GET OUTTA HERE!!! YOU DIDNT GET THE JOB!! YOURE UNQUALIFIED!!!!!!"
Brett: "Oh no! Oh I'm so Sorry Mr. Dumas!"
The Interviewer: "Oh,Okay then,.....i ACCEPT your Apology!"
Before Brett could say thank you or anything the Interviewer says
"Let me walk you out!"

2006-12-30 04:59:37 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-12-30 04:59:27 · 9 answers · asked by ♥..::Amy::..♥ 3

2006-12-30 04:55:55 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Sally raises her hand and says "I am gonna tell my mom you're asking those kinds of questions in class and you're gonna be in trouble."
Again the teacher asks "What on the human body gets 10 times it's normal size when aroused?"
Little Sally raises her hand again and says "I can't believe you are asking that question...My mom will be so mad and she'll talk to the principal about this."
Frustrated with Sally, The teacher once agains asks the questions "Does anyone know what on the human body gets 10 times it's normal size when aroused?"
Little Billy raises his hand and says "The pupil gets 10 times it's normal size when aroused".
The teacher responds "Very good Billy, I can tell you read your homework last night"
Then the teacher turns to Sally and says "I have three things for you Sally-Number 1-you obviously did not do your homework last night. Number 2-you have a very sick mind and Number 3-you are going to be very disappointed someday"

2006-12-30 04:53:25 · 18 answers · asked by nursealp 2

Door-to-Door Sales Crap

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

2006-12-30 04:38:50 · 2 answers · asked by d1ckdeckard 3

A traffic cop is about to quit for the day. He's been hiding behind this billboard and he hasn't issued a single ticket. He starts his bike up and he's just about to pull out when this teenager zooms past ,doing about 20 above the speed limit. The cop races after him and soon pulls him over. With a smirk on his face he swaggers over to the car and says to the youth, "I've been waiting for you all day" to which the kid replies "I got here as fast as I could."

2006-12-30 04:30:12 · 16 answers · asked by Dr Know It All 5

A man walks into a bar with an octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world," says the man. Everyone laughs and calls him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A bloke walks up with a guitar, which the octopus picks up and plays better than Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50. Another bloke walks up with a trumpet, which the octopus plays better than Louis Armstrong. The man pays up his $50. Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with them for a minute, looking confused. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye nae can plae it, can ye." The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag the **** off it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off!"

2006-12-30 04:30:01 · 21 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

a monk was walking home from his monestry. on his way he saw a monkey in a tree and a snake in tall grass. the monkey was afraid of the snake so he threw acrons at the snake. the snake slithered up the tree and bit the money. the monk smiled and said its better to have been a monkey once than a snake twice

2006-12-30 04:25:56 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

call this!! i said i just spent a grand on a watch and your asking me what the bludy time is!!

2006-12-30 04:23:00 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I don't know, but it's pretty tasty

2006-12-30 04:14:55 · 5 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

"Hey man, where you been? We been expecting you since Christmas."
James goes "It's a long way man, an' I had to stop off and get supplies. See, I got three tons of barbecued ribs, seven crates of Jack Daniels, two kilos of cocaine and some booty."
Saint Peter goes "You can't bring that stuff in here, it's contraband."
James goes "Damn, I sold my soul for nothing!"

2006-12-30 04:04:53 · 7 answers · asked by Dr Know It All 5

2006-12-30 04:01:51 · 11 answers · asked by The Boss 2

WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.


> But please only read lines 1, 3 and 5.

2006-12-30 03:59:36 · 30 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2006-12-30 03:54:15 · 16 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

2006-12-30 03:45:42 · 9 answers · asked by Dr Know It All 5

The most detailed and mean / funniest answer gets 10 points.

2006-12-30 03:44:03 · 3 answers · asked by lakecity21 3

jack takes a bu every where he............... a car
1.must have 2.not have

2006-12-30 03:42:50 · 11 answers · asked by zah_abe52 2

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

2006-12-30 03:42:31 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

1- Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
2- What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
3- When Jewish People go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?

2006-12-30 03:36:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A nubile young student teacher was teaching a class when she dropped her chalk. She bent down to get it.
Joe: ' I can seeee your stockings!!'...............................................
Teacher 'Get out Joe and do n't come back 'till next lesson.'
She drops the chalk again...
Jim : 'I can seee your knickers!'
Teacher :' Get out Jim and do n't come back 'till tomorrow!'
She bends over to get her chalk again and there is a ripping noise
rr-ii-pp.She expects a comment but there is none.
She gets up and sees little Billy at the back putting his books in his satchel. ...'What do you think you're doing Billy?'
Billy : 'Well Miss, after what I've seen ...my schooldays are over!'

2006-12-30 03:26:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

You're in a room with no doors and no windows. All you have is a table and a mirror. How do you get out?



You look in the mirror, see what you saw. Use the saw to cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole and you escape through the hole.


Have fun watching friends and family try to figure this one out.

2006-12-30 03:24:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

but not in a dollar...?

2006-12-30 03:24:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little patrick asked 4 a bike 4 his birhday, his dad said " we,d get you one, but we have a £80,000 mortgage and your mums lost her job" Next day patrick was walking out the door with his suitcase packed, his dad asked " where are you going son?" patrick replied " I walked past your room last night & heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then i heard mum tell you to wait cos she was coming too, I,m not staying here on my own with a £80,000 mortgage and no f-cking bike!!

2006-12-30 03:20:06 · 7 answers · asked by jo w 4

How come wrong numbers are never busy ??

2006-12-30 03:16:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous