Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Cos mine is a cow and when I divorce her violent son I look on loosing her as a bonus..Any good gags as I'm faced with meeting the old boot soon.

Can I just add that she condoned her sons violence towards me and my children.

I need cheering up............

2006-11-10 08:58:18 · 10 answers · asked by Elle J Morgan 6

Paddy called in to see Murphy who had broken his leg. Murphy says "Paddy me feet are frezzing nip upstairs for me slippers" So Paddy runs upstairs and spots murphys two 19year old twin sisters sitting on there beds." Hi says Paddy your brother told me to come up and s*ag you both" "Thats a lie the sisters shouted" Not says paddy i will prove it and he shouted down to murphy" both of them murphy ?murphy replied yes whats the use of fooking one

2006-11-10 08:55:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say 'Hi, we're prostitutes Want to have some fun? "
\"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed,
"but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

2006-11-10 08:55:36 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2006-11-10 08:55:01 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demands.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,"For the sake of decency, heres $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.

Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.

2006-11-10 08:49:52 · 26 answers · asked by Sheldon 6

i was nervous at first,
it was big,
long,
and went straight up!!!
i had to try it,
i eased myself onto it and i liked it,
i went up and down on it.
i love escalators now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-10 08:42:02 · 10 answers · asked by Laurie 2

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name.


For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known anaproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.


The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.


Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.


Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount 'N Do.

2006-11-10 08:21:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

George was engaged to a nurse before he went to war in Germany after a year he got shot and returned to recover, so his girlfriend asked when can we get married? straight away he said and so they did on the wedding night she was waiting in bed for it to happen, he was apprehensive to get in, she said come on George, he then replied you know i got shot, she said I'm a nurse tell me about it i may be able to help, OK well we were walking up this hill in Germany the Germans jumped from behind the trees and opened fire i got a bullet straight down the pipe hole of my prick, ooh George you mean your penis, OK i will start again we were walking up this hill in Germany the Germans jumped from behind the trees and opened fire i got a bullet straight down my penis and through my bollocks, ooh George you mean your testicles, OK i will start again we were walking up a hill in Germany the Germans jumped from behind the trees opened fire got a bullet straight down my penis through my testicles and out my arshole, ooh George you mean your rectum he said rectum it f*****g shattered um

2006-11-10 08:20:04 · 11 answers · asked by compo 2

Simon, Joe and Peter are sat in a bar having a few pints when Simon turns to his mates and says "I bet you £2000 I can pee all over the bar and the barman will be happy about it!".."You're on" says his mates rubbing their hands gleefully, easy money!

Five minutes later Simon comes back over, the bar is covered in pee, the glasses are covered in pee and the barman is covered in pee and yet he has a huge smile on his face.

They withdraw the money and hand it over, Joe and Peter ask "how on earth did you manage that mate?"..."Haha" said Simon "Was easy....I bet the barman £1000 I could pee in the pint glass on the top shelf from behind the counter without spilling a drop!!"

2006-11-10 08:19:17 · 19 answers · asked by doodlenatty 4

First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

The teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

The teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

2006-11-10 08:18:41 · 12 answers · asked by Emizzle 2

alright tell whats the funniest thing you did in class

2006-11-10 08:13:26 · 10 answers · asked by itsjesus 2

2006-11-10 08:09:18 · 8 answers · asked by TAMIKA W 1

This morning I returned from the meat closet. I was marching through my abode in great discomfort as my numerous sweaty rolls were touching the vinyl flooring of my kitchen. I was getting ready to make some beef wellington (grams favorite) for she who was sick. I was fracturing a few dozen eggs in a large synthetic bowl. As i was getting ready to crack the last egg i hear i primal howl from the bedroom. I shoved the dripping egg between my sweaty anal crevice and navigated my way back indoors to find uncle Tina. Luckily, his state had nothing to do with me or my nakedness. He was quivering "Don't let him rape me." That was a pretty serious request. I peered around the door and to my instant gratification I saw gramps' defaced and mutilated corpse nailed to the ceiling. I was comtemplating how Uncle Tina could possibly be babbling about an expired corpse trying to molest him.I burst into a flood of crimson tears, gaping at his gouged extremities. What do I do about my Uncle and gramps?

2006-11-10 08:06:40 · 9 answers · asked by Reginalda 1

1. There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

What is it?



2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?



3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be

replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?



4. At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between

noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?



5. What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can

score without touching the ball?



6. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

2006-11-10 08:04:31 · 9 answers · asked by jwli920 2

My bro is having knee replacement but cant do it in the U.S so he has to go to Africa. Please tell me why!

2006-11-10 08:03:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous 2

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming.
"Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room.
"Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.
The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. Try standing on the dresser!

2006-11-10 08:02:13 · 18 answers · asked by Pd 6

a police man ws behind a tree wiith a speed camera he caught a woman speeding and flaged her down the woman got outa the car and appologied she said that she was in a rush to get to work and she had an appointment with a client in 10 mins

really what do you do? asked the policeman

the woman says im an @ss hole stretcher i stick in 1 finger thenanother and i keep going until i can stick n my fist then i pull untill its 6 foot

the police man looked puzzled and asked what can you do with a 6 foot @ss hole

the woman smiled and said well you can stick it behind a tree with a speed camera

2006-11-10 08:02:09 · 17 answers · asked by bitter sweet 2

Have been off 3 days with suicidal thoughts, but need a different excuse. Thanks xx

2006-11-10 08:01:42 · 17 answers · asked by joy_hardyman2003 2

You just commited a murder and your given the choice to pick the room you want to go into out of three rooms. Do you choose a) the Room with over three hundred assassins with riffles, b) 300 Hungry Lions that havent eaten in 3 years, or c) The room with 300
Scorpians

2006-11-10 07:59:56 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license. They'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not—you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

2006-11-10 07:55:17 · 22 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

i had this girlfriend who now is my wife but listen to this
My girlfriend has a sister who always used to flirt with me.
A week before i got married she called me to her house.
she was wearing a mini skirt and a tight top.
she told me that she wanted to have sex with me before i got married. She went upstairs and threw her panties down at me.
i raced to the car but as i got out the front door my girlfriends parents greeted me and told me i am in their family as i passed the test. i refused my sister in law(that was the test).

The moral of this story:
Always leave your condoms in the car.

2006-11-10 07:53:51 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Untill someone asked me i never gave it a thought, The question is what 3 trebles on a dartboard add up to a ton (100) Took me some time to find out. Trebles can be used in multiples of the same.. Get your thinking caps on.. First one to reply with the right answer will be entitled to a double scotch on me..

2006-11-10 07:53:48 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-10 07:52:44 · 9 answers · asked by buggy 2

some months have months have 30 days some months have 31 days how many months have 28 days ?

2006-11-10 07:45:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

first right anwser gets ten points or the most origional.

2006-11-10 07:39:07 · 26 answers · asked by stardust792004 3

can anyone out there help me smile by telling me the most embarrasing thing that has ever happened to u ? most people have done something in their past that still makes them cringe when they think about it... i will start with one of mine...... a few years ago i was talking to a guy who i had a HUGE crush on.... we were talking about decorating (god knows why, i can't remember), when i came out with the classic ' i always use durex paint'...... what i MEANT to say was 'dulux paint'..... durex is a brand of condoms............ lol..... no prizes for guessing what i was thinking about.... there are several other shameful moments in my life - skirt tucked into knickers, falling down a huge flight of stairs in a nightclub, being terribly sick all over a strangers kitchen during a new year's eve party...... so - i have shared my f*ck-ups with u, what's the worst u have done ???

2006-11-10 07:32:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten"
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck......

2006-11-10 07:23:54 · 6 answers · asked by chimi c 1

It's that time again... The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor
given to the person(s) who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was
the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him
as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year's winner was a real rocket scientist....really!

And the nominees were:


Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline
with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited
into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned
his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon
the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and
crashed.
They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their
ankles.

Semifinalist #3

A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried
to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker,taped a bunch of
these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other
end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was
alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #4

A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that
he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a
ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was
hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5

Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building
extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After
the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were
dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty
navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked.
Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into
his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon
operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the
technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The
technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as
'bright' by his peers.

Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin
Award:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in
the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The
wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type
of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery.
An Amateur Rocket Scientist... Had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet
Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket)that is used to give heavy
military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short
airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a
long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped
in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from
the crash site.
This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.
The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5
seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and
continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and
soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog
fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become
irrelevant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained
on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the
driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and
leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for
an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet
leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments
of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and
bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of
the steering wheel.

2006-11-10 07:08:17 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

2006-11-10 06:54:23 · 28 answers · asked by bubble 1

The shrink was in his office,door opens--man walks in wearing nothing but saran wrap-----shrink shakes head and says"I can see your NUTS"...........

2006-11-10 06:51:43 · 10 answers · asked by Maw-Maw 7