Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A Peeping Tom was watching through a bathroom ventilator a lady who was taking her shower in the opposite building. He could see only her back. Wow! There were two breasts on her back too. The fellow got very excited to see her front too not to miss the other two. After finsihing her bath, she wiped off and turned back and pulled back her sagged breasts from over her shoulders!

2006-11-10 14:36:49 · 18 answers · asked by Hobby 5

How many animals of each specie (how many dogs, cats, lions) did Moses take aboard his ark?

2006-11-10 14:35:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught
in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house"

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later , Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally
determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had
met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
north, about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the
house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I
have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

2006-11-10 14:27:25 · 22 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clea

2006-11-10 14:27:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-10 14:23:03 · 13 answers · asked by bikerdarby 2

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly.

2006-11-10 14:21:53 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God
> > decided to change the
> > admittance policy. The new law was that, in order
> > to get into Heaven,
> > you had to have a real bummer of a day when you
> > died. The policy would
> > go into effect at noon the next day.
> > The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the
> > gates of Heaven. The
> > Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy,
> > promptly said to the man,
> > "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your
> > day was going when
> > you die." "No problem," the man said. "I came home
> > to my 25th floor
> > apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half
> > naked. She appeared
> > to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in
> > sight. I
> > immediately began searching for him. My wife was
> > yelling at me as I
> > searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about
> > to give up, I
> > happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed
> > that there was a man
> > hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve
> > of that guy! Well, I
> > ran out onto the balcony and stomped on fingers
> > until he fell to the
> > ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some
> > trees and bushes
> > that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked
> > me off even more.
> > In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing
> > I could get my
> > hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first
> > thing I thought of was
> > the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto
> > the balcony, and
> > tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories
> > and crushed him! The
> > excitement of the moment was so great that I had a
> > heart attach and died
> > almost instantly."
> > The Angel sat back and thought a moment.
> > Technically, the guy did have
> > a bad day. It was a crime of passion.
> > So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the
> > Kingdom of Heaven."
> > And let him in.
> > A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel
> > said before I can
> > let you in, I need to hear about what your day was
> > like when you died."
> > "No problem said the second man. But you're not
> > going to believe this.
> > I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment
> > doing my daily
> > exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I
> > was really pushing
> > hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little
> > carried away, slipped,
> > and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was
> > able to catch
> > myself by my fingertips on the balcony below mine."
> > But all of a sudden
> > this crazy man comes running out of his apartment,
> > starts cussing, and
> > stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I
> > hit some trees and
> > bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't
> > die right away."
> > As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to
> > move, and in
> > excruciating pain, I see this guy push his
> > REFRIGERATOR, of all things,
> > off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands
> > on top of me, killing
> > me instantly."
> > The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man
> > finishes his story.
> > "I could get used to his new policy," he thinks to
> > himself. "Very well."
> > The Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of
> > Heaven," and he lets the
> > man enter.
> > A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the
> > gate. The angel says,
> > please tell me how you died." The third man says,
> > "OK, picture this.
> > I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."
> >
> >
>
>
>__________________________________________________

2006-11-10 14:20:51 · 13 answers · asked by Ndpndnt 5

A beautiful young woman, on an international flight, asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
"Of course you may. What can I do for you?"
"Well, I bought this expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid that they'll confiscate it from me. Is there anyway that you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, the young lady let the priest go ahead of her. The Customs Officer asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The Officer asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the Officer said God "God bless you, Father, go ahead."

2006-11-10 14:19:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think no

2006-11-10 14:16:18 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-10 14:13:56 · 13 answers · asked by AnswerBot 4

A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a car

2006-11-10 14:11:27 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

2006-11-10 14:10:21 · 14 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

2006-11-10 14:08:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Actually, it's a series of riddles. They all go together though
How do you put an elephant in a fridge?
How do you put a giraffe in a fridge?
The animal kingdom is holding a meeting. All the animals are there except one. Which one is not there?
You have to swim across a river where crocodiles live. How do you go about getting across?
Good luck! My 6th grade science teacher asked me this riddle. I think I've got it right.

2006-11-10 14:05:59 · 10 answers · asked by Erica 2

Ok. Santa Claus, The Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde were walking down the street, and see a $100 dollar bill laying on the ground. Who picks it up? I also want reasons why.


First correct answer gets ten points!

2006-11-10 14:03:58 · 6 answers · asked by taylor ! 4

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day my fiance's little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't s

2006-11-10 14:03:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

2006-11-10 14:01:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

if half a chicken lays half a egg in half a day how long does it take a grasshopper with a wooden leg to kick out the seeds in a dill pickle

2006-11-10 13:59:23 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

'Billy.'

'And what is your question, Billy?

'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

'Steve'

'And what is your question, Steve?'

'I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minute

2006-11-10 13:49:50 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Another laugh. My brother just ate fish food. He's disgusting.

2006-11-10 13:40:25 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

because i think yous have got limited humour. Prove me wrong.

2006-11-10 13:19:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
>
> >A. Ask your mother.
>
> >Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
>
> >A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
>
> >Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
>
> >A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
>
> >Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>
> >A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
>
> >Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
>
> >A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
>
> >driving.
>
> >Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
>
> >A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

> >Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's butt?
>
> >A. A mechanic!

> >Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
>
> >A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
>
> >donuts.
>
> >Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
>
> >A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
>
> >Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
>
> >A. The one with the dirty knees.
>
> >Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
>
> >A. A battery has a positive side.

> >Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex A. "Honey, I'm home!"
>
> >Q. Did you hear about the new paint called "Blonde" paint?
>
> >A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy

> >Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in
>
> >his sleep.
>
> >A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
>
> >Q. How can you tell a macho women?
>
> >A. She rolls her own tampons.
>
> >Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
>
> >A: Hair balls.

>
> >Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
>
> >A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

2006-11-10 13:19:13 · 13 answers · asked by basscatcher 4

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

2006-11-10 13:14:57 · 9 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

Any three things that you like!

2006-11-10 12:56:00 · 17 answers · asked by GoldMember 1

My favorite Myspace bulletin...I just HAD to share this:

Anybody under the age of 13 should not read this, and if you do, you should not repost this.

Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid.

It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it.



You're a 90's kid if:

You remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain , and Two Stupid Dogs.

AAAAAAAH real monsters.

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!

You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiiiiin west philladelphia born and raised..."

You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.

You remember when, 2Pac and Selena died.

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record "Your FAVORITE song of ALL time"

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet. He's a Hero.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.

You remember when super nintendo's and Sega Genisis became popular.

You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny.

You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"

You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.

You remember when Yomega Yo-Yos were cool.

when you were grown up when you turned 7, cuz you could watch are you afraid of the dark because it was tvY7!

You remember those Where's Waldo books..

You remember when Mortal Kombat Was "Da Bomb"!

U remember eating Warheads.(those sour candys)

You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.

U remember Ring Pops.

U remember drinkin' Fruitopia and Surge.

if you memeber when every thing was "da BOMB"

when they made the new lunchables so that you could make tacos and pizza!!

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

Writing M.A.S.H. notes. (and the twenty different versions of that)

Making those little paper fortune cookie things.. and then predicting your life with them.

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"

You played and/or collected "Pogs"

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

...Furbies.

You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.

And Windows 95 was the best.

You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers,and Ninja Turtles.

You had a favorite New Kid on the block, and you knew all of there names

Michael Jordan was a king.

Yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)

You remember when the new Beanie Babies and talking Elmo were always sold out.

You collected those Beanie Babies.

Growing Pains.

Carebears and The Gummy Bear show.

Gak was the coolest thing invented.

Lambchop's song never ended.

The old dollar bills.

Silver dollars, were cool that have.

You remember a time before the WB.

You collected all the Troll dolls

You owned a portable tape player.

If you even know what an original walkman is.

You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.


You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.


"Talk to the hand" ... enough said

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You know the significance of the number 23.

You went to McD's to play in the playplace.


You remember playing on merry go rounds...at the play ground.

2006-11-10 12:30:47 · 20 answers · asked by writer_girl20 3

FIRST NAME:
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

2. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH?

5. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE
FRIENDS WITH YOU?

6. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU
TAKE THEM OFF?

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING
ABOUT YOURSELF?

17.ANY BROTHERS OR SISTERS?

18. WOULD YOU RATHER TELL A JOKE OR HEAR A JOKE?

2006-11-10 12:13:00 · 13 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head so hard."

2006-11-10 11:54:22 · 12 answers · asked by LISA P 2

man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing. "That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."

2006-11-10 11:46:30 · 11 answers · asked by lilmisslouievuitton 2

can any one tell me why

2006-11-10 11:41:51 · 24 answers · asked by priya t 1

A guy Named Pete Walked Into A Bar And Collapsed.What Happend?

2006-11-10 11:41:44 · 16 answers · asked by Eyore 1