Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

On The Office (US version) Jim is always doing things to Dwight, like sending him faxes from "Future Dwight," or putting his office supplies in Jello. One time at my office someone put a fart machine under a chair in a conference room and would make it fart quietly during meetings, which would make the person in the chair look guilty and everyone else would have to act like they didn't hear anything.

What are some things you've seen?

2006-11-11 03:23:27 · 7 answers · asked by tooyoungforkidsthisold 4

A man who has been sentenced to hang is being escorted accross the prison yard. As he goes it starts to absolutely piss down, the condemmed man says bloody hell what a day to be hung on. The warder says "it's alright for you Iv'e got to walk back in this"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-11 03:17:47 · 15 answers · asked by Shredder 6

sniff each others a**e holes. Well here's the answer in a poem.

The dogs they had a meeting they came from near and far
Some came by aeroplane and some by motor car
Down at the village hall they all did stop and look
And each one took his a**e hole off and hung it on a hook

In they went all in a line every mother son and sire
Hardly were they seated when some bugger shouted fire
Out they came all in a rush they had no time to look
And each one grabbed an a**e hole off of anybodys hook

They got their a**e holes all mixed up which made them very sore
To think they had'nt got the one that they had had before
And that is why your dog will up and leave a bone
To go and sniff at another dogs a**e to try and find his own!!!!!!!!!11

2006-11-11 03:08:36 · 10 answers · asked by Shredder 6

answer to the riddle

2006-11-11 03:05:14 · 1 answers · asked by biggrizz2006 1

A woman was walking in a graveyard when she saw a man kneeling by a grave shouting "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DIE???" Feeling sorry for the man she put her hand on his arm and said "Is that your wife your grieving for?" To which the man replied, "No it’s my wife's ex husband."

2006-11-11 02:58:49 · 32 answers · asked by anitha 4

Is it because I am fat??? I kept rubbing the magic lamp but the genie told me to FCK OFF!

2006-11-11 02:51:08 · 5 answers · asked by ? 1

"If you play they're gonna give you a free snow cone. Even if you only play half a game you get a whole snowcone. You don't get a half a snow cone. You get a whole one.."

I can't figure it out/remember and its really getting on my nerves.

2006-11-11 02:31:49 · 6 answers · asked by winifred6991 1

yy u r yy u b
i c u r yy 4 me

2006-11-11 02:28:32 · 11 answers · asked by Daddy's Girl 2

What is in a river but not in a pond and is also in ice but not in a snowflake?

2006-11-11 02:28:03 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-11 02:07:13 · 15 answers · asked by johnny 1

try to solve this riddle

A says B lies,B says C lies,C says A and B lies

who is lying and who is telling the truth??

2006-11-11 02:02:39 · 15 answers · asked by 10 1

Please show your work! thank you.

2006-11-11 01:47:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother,

"Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation.

When she had finished, the little boy produced an enrolemtn form which he had brought home from scholl and said,

"Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

2006-11-11 01:35:01 · 26 answers · asked by stone 4

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fire man's hat and sitting in a red wagon.

It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.
When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, “That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son.

But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck.”

“Yeah,” Johnny replied, “but then I wouldn't have a siren.”

2006-11-11 01:31:58 · 19 answers · asked by stone 4

A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it with trembling hands:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercing and tattoos and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom... I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.

I've learned that marujuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and for his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the cure for AIDS, so that Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'll visit, for you to know your grandchildren

.
Your daughter, Judith

P.S. Mom, it's not true! I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than the school's report card that's in my desk's drawer. Love you

2006-11-11 01:29:48 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there, I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you're right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you'll ever have, but I'm pretty sure that you have to pay Taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks we're gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won't."

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I've got idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I'll just stand behind you and say nothing. He'll never guess we're Irish. No he won't."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I'll do the talking, you just stand there and look English." So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then Proceeds to do his best>Warren Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I'll 'ave 20 of yer 'Whistle 'un Flutes', 20 'Dickie Dirts' and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don't mind I'll be paying with the 380 'Pictures of the Queen' in my 'Sky Rocket'."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well, then says to Paddy "You're Irish aren't you?"

Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be' Jesus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain't me best English accent ? How in God's name did you know that we were Irish?"

The Owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners".

2006-11-11 01:26:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-11 01:25:48 · 11 answers · asked by Lin m 1

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son,
there
are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s
to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they
are like onions".
Onions?"
Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through
three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and
40s, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
A Christmas tree?"
Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

2006-11-11 01:18:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is it true that if you put your knickers inside out by accident.. it will give you good luck for the whole day?

2006-11-11 01:17:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

turn up at the Olympic games. One's got some posts, one's got a big mallet and the last one's got a roll of barbed wire. Who are you lot says an official, we're the Irish Fencing Team!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-11 00:45:47 · 23 answers · asked by Shredder 6

2006-11-11 00:24:10 · 24 answers · asked by peser1710_namdiv 1

ok now...once a man was killed in a car accident...the police was sure that it was a murder....there was a young man on a bike with red hair standing in the crowd....the police called the wife of the dead and said...mam your husband has been killed in a car accident....the wife screamed and said that she will be there in a moment...she reached there in 7 minutes....who is the murderer?

will tell u the answer in a moment if u want

2006-11-11 00:19:13 · 17 answers · asked by adi 2

A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN.
This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. Everyone knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. Everyone uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word.What is it? _______gry?

2006-11-11 00:15:03 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-11 00:13:07 · 30 answers · asked by lozzi_pop22 4

A young Essex woman goes to the local council to register for child benefits.


"How many children?" asks the council worker.


"Ten," replies the Essex woman.


"Ten!", says the council worker. "What are their names?"


"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne," says the Essex woman.


"Doesn't that get confusing?" asks the council worker.


"Naah," says the Essex woman. "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, 'WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY' or 'WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it."


"What if you want to speak to individually?" asks the perturbed council worker.


"That's easy," says the young woman, "I just use their surnames."

2006-11-11 00:09:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

a riddle

2006-11-11 00:07:43 · 31 answers · asked by aafreen 1

A man and his son are at a wedding when the son sees the bride and asks his dad why is the bride dressed in white to which his dad replies it is to signify that it is the happiest day of her lif. The son thinks for a while and says then in that case why is the groom wearing black to which the dad replies you're catching on son

2006-11-11 00:06:36 · 11 answers · asked by whay i lost my ?s 6

I was on holiday recently in America (that's a laugh for thoe who know me) and there was an earthquake, I was really pissed off. I'd just finished my jigsaw. Then I went for a walk and came accross one of those ladies of horizontal refreshment, boy she was rough, she had a tattoo over her fanny "all you can eat for five$". I got on the plane to come home and this bloke says to me " I think your'e in my seat mate", I told him to f**k off, OK he says " you fly the f**king plane. Anyway got to go Bye for now!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-10 23:59:11 · 16 answers · asked by Shredder 6

is it a sign of an early spring

2006-11-10 23:54:42 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub.
Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies,
"Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No - I'm turning the heating off."

2006-11-10 23:42:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous