Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

2006-11-11 09:19:12 · 27 answers · asked by Kojak 2. 2

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat near him he whispered to her, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were by my side...You know what? "What dear?" she asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. " I think you're bad luck. Get the hell away from me."

2006-11-11 08:48:43 · 15 answers · asked by Ndpndnt 5

They can't keep their calves together.

2006-11-11 08:39:40 · 11 answers · asked by gunky 1

Philippe Philoppe

2006-11-11 08:38:34 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

i don't knowq that;sa wy i am asking u

2006-11-11 08:38:27 · 9 answers · asked by sheblese m 1

An old lady was very upset as her husband Albert had just passed
away.
She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly
departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the
undertakers strode up to provide comfort in this sombre moment
Through her tears she explained that she was upset because her dearest
Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in
a blue suit.

The undertaker apologized and explained that traditionally, they
always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The
next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with
Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulled
back the curtain, she managed to smile through her tears as Albert was
resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She said to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you
get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your
husband's
size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife
explained
that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a
black
suit," the undertaker replied.

The woman smiled at the undertaker.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the
heads"

2006-11-11 08:35:01 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

mr pigs.
mr not pigs.
lib, mr pigs!

them are pigs.
them are not pigs.
well i'll be, them are pigs!

2006-11-11 08:32:55 · 9 answers · asked by gunky 1

goes to the doctor to get his test results , the doctor says ,"I`m sorry Simon but you have Aids . Simon is devastated and asks the doc what to do ?The doctor says eat 1 sausage , 1 head of cabbage,20 jalapeno peppers ,40 walnuts,40 p;eanuts and half a box of all bran cereal and top if with a gallon of prune juice. "Will this cure me ?" asked Simon ,,No said the doctor butit will give you a better understanding of what your f..king **** is for !!

2006-11-11 08:27:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young woman went to the antiques roadshow and dangled a tampon in the experts face and said "Go on ya clever f**ker what period is that from ?"

You were warned lol

2006-11-11 08:22:34 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

ATTRACTION… the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT… what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING… the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL… avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men.

EASY… a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT… a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND… a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE… a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be “playing hard to get”.

INTERESTING… a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT… what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY… how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC… a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER… condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

2006-11-11 08:12:17 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Husband:
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minut es, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, what ever the case is, I’m gone.
P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Your EX-Wife.

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work.

I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.

Signed

Rich As Hell and Free!

2006-11-11 08:05:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

two girls are walking htrough the park when they spot a compact mirror on the path. The first one says "I'll just open it to see whoes it is." as she does this she looks a bit more closely, "She looks so familiar." The oter girl says "Let me see," as she looks at it she says, "Oh SILLY! Thats me!"

no one i know even get that joke. why?

2006-11-11 08:01:12 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-11 07:54:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder and asks for a drink for himself and one for the newt.

The bartender supplies the drinks and asks, "What's the newt's name."

"Tiny."

"Why do you call him 'Tiny'?"

"Because he's my newt!"

2006-11-11 07:54:04 · 19 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Theres an aggie and he walks into a store and looks around. then he asks the owner "how much is that t.v. over there?" the owner says,"srry we dont sell those to aggies." so the guy comes back as a texas fan. he looks around then asks"how much is that t.v. over there?" the owner says"srry we dont sell those to aggies." so the aggie comes back later as a tech fan and says,"how much is that t.v. over there?" the owner says"we dont sell those to aggies." so the aggie says,"how do u know im an aggie?" so the owner goes,"cuz thats not a t.v. its a microwave." Funny?

2006-11-11 07:33:31 · 12 answers · asked by brendanbilbo1212112 2

http://break.com/index/giggling_baby_is_comedians_dream_audience.html
(A merry heart does good like a medicine!)

2006-11-11 07:28:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A newly married couple are honeymooning in India. As they're walking through a bazaar they see a sign that reads: "Magic sandals. Guaranteed to improve your sex life."

The couple walk into the shop and are greeted by the shopkeeper. "These magic sandals," he tells the wife, "will increase your husband's sex drive and make him an accomplished lover." The wife tells the shopkeeper that her husband wears a size 10, and that he'd like to try them on.

So the husband sits down, puts on the sandals and gets a gleam in his eye that his wife has never seen before. The husband rips his pants off, bends the shopkeeper over the counter and goes to town.

Frantically the shopkeeper screams, "The sandals! You've got them on the wrong feet!"

2006-11-11 07:28:14 · 3 answers · asked by Citizen 1

A man goes into a lingerie shop and asks the sales assistant if he can have a see through negligee in size 46-54-46 to which the sales assistant replied what do you want to see through that for.

2006-11-11 07:23:55 · 16 answers · asked by smurfandturf 1

2006-11-11 07:20:34 · 9 answers · asked by guitarpicker59 1

2006-11-11 07:18:36 · 8 answers · asked by guitarpicker59 1

TWO MUSLIM WOMEN CAME TO MY DOOR THE OTHER DAY WITH JUST THIER EYES SHOWING SO I SHUT THE DOOR ON THEM AND LOOKED THROUGH MY LETTERBOX AND SAID HOW DO YOU LIKE IT.

2006-11-11 07:18:31 · 11 answers · asked by smurfandturf 1

2006-11-11 06:59:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm every where, though you can't see me. I'm in the air, so of course you breathe in me. I've been in you since you were born, and over the years I've been many times torn, but it helps me to grow. Now waht am I?

2006-11-11 06:56:18 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-11 06:54:18 · 4 answers · asked by fastandfurious 1

IF you are in a car travling the speed of light, and you turn on your head lights, what color do they turn?

2006-11-11 06:52:22 · 11 answers · asked by daddysgrl4266 2

2006-11-11 06:38:35 · 15 answers · asked by Justice W 1

2006-11-11 06:32:57 · 19 answers · asked by Justice W 1

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?

A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate

do u have some more?

2006-11-11 06:31:55 · 20 answers · asked by what?! 3

2006-11-11 06:24:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

like...yo momma's so fat that when she walks on the beach, the whales sing 'we are family'

haha. any other ones that are good?

2006-11-11 06:23:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous