Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

- A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

- An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.

- Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

- Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

- Although cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

- Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.

- Dogs may shed, but cats shred.

- Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful

- I had to get rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

- I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

2006-11-11 17:11:51 · 8 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.

"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

2006-11-11 17:00:55 · 16 answers · asked by chimi c 1

The Top 5 Men in a Woman's life are:

1. Doctor.
2. Dentist
3. Coal man.
4. Decorator.
5. Bank manager.

A Doctor says to take off your clothes.

A Dentist says open wide.

A Coal man asks "where do you want it, front or back?"

A Decorator says "how do you like it now that it’s up?"

A Bank manager says "don’t take it out you’ll lose interest"!

2006-11-11 16:58:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

two men were walking by a dog licking his balls. The first man said wouldnt you like to be doing that?! The second man said Sure! But Im afraid he might bite me!

2006-11-11 16:57:30 · 4 answers · asked by cindy 1

Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible.

So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.

Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.

"Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here."

A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ***."

2006-11-11 16:41:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a ********, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

2006-11-11 16:35:17 · 14 answers · asked by Mr.Why? 2

A new supersonic plane carrying 125 passengers on board crashed at the US/Canadian border. 3/4 of the plane crashed on the Candian side and 1/4 crashed on the US side. On what side do you bury the survivors?

2006-11-11 16:32:58 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.

He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."

2006-11-11 16:31:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-11 16:24:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in.

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?

2006-11-11 16:16:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.


Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.


The first woman said, "Have you ever had a hug?"


The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.


The second woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"


The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.


The third woman came to him and said, "Have you ever been ******?"


The fellow said, "No."


She said, "You will be when the tide comes in."

2006-11-11 16:15:26 · 19 answers · asked by Mr.Why? 2

Think before you speak
Here are 6 reasons why you should think before you speak the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished you could take it back… here are the testimonials of a few people who did…

First testimony
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and 3 kid sin tow and asked loudly, how much do you charge for a shampoo and a *******? I turned around, walked back out and never went back. My husband did not say a word, he knew better!

Second testimony
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the womens type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking I looked at him and said, I think I like looking at mens balls.

Third testimony
My sister and I were at the mall and passed a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied no im just looking at your nuts. My sister staryed to laugh histerically the boy grined and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day my sister never let me forget.

Fourth testimony
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddle decided to release some pent up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab ahold of her after receiving looks of disgustand annoyance from other patrons.i told her that if she didn’t start behaving right now she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, if you don’t let me go right now, I will tell grandma that I saw you kissing daddys pee pee last night!! The silence was defening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the doors closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Fifth testimony
Have you ever asked a child too many times? My 3 year old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at taco bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my 7 month old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that danny had not asked to go potty in a while I asked him if he needed to go and he said no.i kept thinking oh lord that child has had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. So I asked one more time, danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up yanked his pants down, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled, SEE MOM, ITS JUST FARTS! While 30 people nearly choked to death on their taco’s laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they ever had!!

Last but not least testimony
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow, but don’t get any? We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to snow and didn’t, turned to the weather man and asked… : so bob, wheres that 8 inches you promised me last night? Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!!!

2006-11-11 16:09:10 · 7 answers · asked by sexylove1_2008 2

see, I post jokes, ok? then, like, everyone gives back a good laugh, ok? then, like, dunno who to pick as best answerer!! All are equally great, but dunno how to choose... help me!!!!

2006-11-11 16:08:12 · 1 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

Would'nt you ????
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the **** out of him...
Like his MOTHER used to do.

2006-11-11 16:05:23 · 5 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

My cat got into my fiances weed and started freaking out. HE was litterally paranoid out of his little brains. By the way it just happened today

2006-11-11 16:04:20 · 8 answers · asked by froggy_dimebag 3

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.

She does and they continue.

A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."

She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."

The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.

This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"

So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"

He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."

2006-11-11 15:55:03 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?" The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so," said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn!"

2006-11-11 15:51:41 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you want a best answer from me for this question, u have to answer it correctly. It's kinda funny! No copycats!

If I give u this question as a best answer, I will award u 11 points. Do u know why?

2006-11-11 15:39:11 · 7 answers · asked by Dreaming♥ 5

anybody have any funny stories of putting something down someone's crack or seeing others do it?

just for laughs...

haha once I was at a basket ball game, and there was this girl in front of my who had a HUGE butt crack showing. So me and my friend took little bits of granola bar, and we started throwing them at her, seeing if they could go in. that sounds stupid, but it was so funny, especially because the girl didn't notice, and there was a lot of granola in her crack. wonder if she was confused later on? lmao.

if you're going to whine and complain, don't bother replying. this is all in FUN and jokes.

2006-11-11 15:27:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, and stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, jump into bed, slap my wife on the ***, and say, 'Who's horny?' and she acts like she's sound asleep. It works every time!"

2006-11-11 15:24:22 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

been on the piss and had a curry so should I chuck now or later?

2006-11-11 15:22:21 · 19 answers · asked by KU 4

A city cop was on his horse waiting

to cross the street when a little girl named Mary, riding her new shiny

bike stopped beside him."Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa

bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl replied, "he

sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety


[/color]violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector

light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got

there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did,"

chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said,"Next year tell Santa

the **** goes underneath the horse, not on top."

2006-11-11 15:22:04 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer—just look at the joints in the human body.”

The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.”

The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?”

2006-11-11 15:13:03 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5

The social studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace.

"How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"

Not surprisingly, all hands went up. The teacher asked,

"Who'll give us the reason for being opposed to war?"

A large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand.

"Johnny?" The teacher said.

"I hate war," Johnny said, "because wars make history, and

then some poor, innocent kid has to memorize all about it."

2006-11-11 15:10:53 · 12 answers · asked by stone 4

Two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day, when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, “Convert to Catholicism and get $10.“
One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, “Murray, what’s going on?”

“Abe,” replies Murray, “I’m thinking of doing it.”

Abe says, “What are you, crazy?”

Murray thinks for a minute and says, “Abe, I’m going to do it.”

With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Abe, “did you get your ten dollars?”

Murray looks up at him and says, “Is that all you people think about?”

2006-11-11 15:09:25 · 7 answers · asked by ? 5

2006-11-11 14:49:12 · 17 answers · asked by xoxkittenkatxox 2

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so Exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell His mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..... At this point
Mommy cut Him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose
you Save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's
Face when you tell it tonight. "At the dinner table, Mommy asked little
Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was
Giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then
Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
Started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army.

Mommy fainted!..."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

2006-11-11 14:46:22 · 17 answers · asked by rebel_dog 1

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his
dearly departed mother and started back toward
his car when his attention was diverted to another
man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be
praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,
"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir,
I don't wish to interfere with your private grief,
but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply?
A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself,
then replied, "My wife's first husband."

2006-11-11 14:43:22 · 12 answers · asked by E-V 2

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

2006-11-11 14:43:10 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

What is red with seven little dents in it??












Snow White's cherry!!

2006-11-11 14:42:54 · 7 answers · asked by PegBundyWannabe 5