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Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

[Selected]: All categories Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

In Donegal there is a coastal village called "Muff"
and yes they do have a "diving club"

2006-11-12 05:55:14 · 33 answers · asked by Yeah yeah yeah 5

In a pet market, a woman saw a man who was selling a mosquito in a jar. On the jar, she read, "A replacement for a man."
"How it works?" the woman asked.
"You just open the jar, and he'll know what to do. Just in case, here is my phone number."
At home, the woman undressed, opened the jar and went to bed. The mosquito flew to the ceiling and stayed there. The woman waited for a while, and then dialed the man's number. The man arrived and said to the mosquito, "You lazy lout, watch one more time, it's the last time I am showing you how to do it."

2006-11-12 05:55:02 · 19 answers · asked by Pd 6

a man is sent to prison for 2 years, when he arrives he is escorted to his cell, standing there is his cell mate who is 7 feet tall, totally naked with a 12" penis, the cell mate says " tonight we are going to play mummies and daddies, you have 2 hours to decide which one you want to be".
so the man sat there pondering i cant take that it wil break me in half,and if i am daddy at least i can give it to him which wont hurt,
the moment of truth arrived and the cell mate said "ok have you decided what you want to be yet?"
the man gulped and squeaked "i will be daddy"
so the cell mate said " ok it time daddy came up here and sucked mummies c*ck"

2006-11-12 05:48:59 · 10 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.

"Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you?" says the bartender.

"Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!"

"Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house." So the bartender gives him another triple scotch and again he gulps it down. "If you don't mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?"

"I told her I've had enough and I want a divorce!"

"Good for you! You said the right thing. So what did you say to your best friend?"

"Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said... ...BAD DOG!"
2nd one
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

2006-11-12 05:37:07 · 11 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

An ear was walking down the street when he came up to an eyeball standing on the corner. The ear stopped and asked, "Excuse me Mr. Eyeball, I can't read that sign across the street. Will you please tell me what it says?" The eyeball looks at the ear and says, "What?"

2006-11-12 05:28:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cowboy, an indian, a vicar,a priest and a rabbi, an irishman,scotsman and an englishman alll walk into a bar.
The barman say's " Oi, Is this some sort of a Joke!"

2006-11-12 05:23:58 · 18 answers · asked by jabelite 3

I thot this is Interesting!!!
A HUSBAND COMES FROM CHURCH; HE GREETS HIS WIFE AND LIFTS HER UP. HE CARRIES HER AROUND THE HOUSE.

THE WIFE IS SO SURPRISED AND ASKS "DID THE PASTOR PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC"?

THE HUSBAND SAID, "NO, HE SAID WE MUST CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS".

Am still laughing!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-12 05:20:39 · 6 answers · asked by Tabbu 1

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now read only the third word
from each line aloud!

2006-11-12 05:18:52 · 12 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

I pulled a muscle !

2006-11-12 05:09:45 · 10 answers · asked by jabelite 3

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,
one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

2006-11-12 05:06:03 · 31 answers · asked by Pd 6

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

2006-11-12 04:57:30 · 8 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

You spelled you and you're incorrectly.
You didn't capitalize Can't, Maybe, I and Yank.
You left out the question mark after read.
You neglected the use of a period following mark.
I am Jeremiah Joseph McCarthy's granddaughter, and I am descended from a long , proud line of Irish Princes, and you may pierce me with your incisors, Margaret.

2006-11-12 04:54:07 · 3 answers · asked by Amelie2 2

A year into a serious relationship, a man proposes marriage to his honey. The woman accepts, but with a warning: “My boobs are just like a baby’s.” The guy brushes it off, saying that he loves her and size doesn’t matter. But he also gives a warning of his own: “My penis is also like a baby.” His girlfriend brushes it off, saying that she loves him and size doesn’t matter.

They marry and hie off to their honeymoon. At the hotel suite, they begin to undress. The bride reminds the groom of her warning but he says not to worry. When she gets naked, the groom is taken aback—they are the smallest breasts he’s ever seen! He then proceeds to take off his pants, reminding his new wife about his word of caution. The wife is shocked. “Good God almighty! I thought you said your penis was like a baby?!” The husband replies: “It is! Nine pounds and 21 inches long, like a newborn babe!”

2006-11-12 04:48:32 · 9 answers · asked by eDraLiN 2

2006-11-12 04:45:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

0

A city lawyer went duck hunting in a rural town. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s paddock on the other side of a

fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer walked up to him and asked what he was doing. The lawyer responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.” The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.” “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country and if you don’t let me get that duck I’ll sue you and take everything you own,”

boasted the lawyer. The old farmer smiled. “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things up here. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule.” “What’s that?” the lawyer asked. “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney thought about it and figured he could take the old codger. So he agreed. The old farmer walked up to the city feller and kicked him in the groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man’s nose off his face. The third kick almost knocked the lawyer out of his wits. The lawyer slowly got to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot—now it’s my turn.” The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.”

2006-11-12 04:36:09 · 15 answers · asked by eDraLiN 2

I have posted a pole, would appreciate you answers

2006-11-12 04:15:19 · 10 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

There are three words in the english language that end in "gry", angry is one and hungry is another. What is the third word?

2006-11-12 04:12:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 04:11:08 · 5 answers · asked by SoulDragon 1

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became Very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of Things that took two arms.
One day he had had it. He decided to Commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn’t have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I
Doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to Do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him How glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and Felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself.
He thanked him Again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
keep reading...

2006-11-12 04:02:18 · 8 answers · asked by BetchaBiteAChip 2

Bob.

2006-11-12 04:00:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

He stormed into the bank and said " Airs in the hands mothersticker,
this is a f uck up!"

2006-11-12 03:50:21 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 03:25:09 · 16 answers · asked by freddy197120032003 3

Doing a word link comp and as usual there is one I cant get the words are BOTTLE .......... WOMAN what word goes between eg DOG............... BONE THE MISSING WORD IS COLLAR HELP PLZ

2006-11-12 03:18:28 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 03:13:09 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

has to ask her to move so that the tide can come in?

2006-11-12 03:09:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 03:07:25 · 5 answers · asked by JK 2

I ve seen that most people go hard on blondes.for eg there r blonde jokes which makes u laugh like hell. Why so harsh on blondes can i know it????

2006-11-12 03:02:44 · 9 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

word?. Mine's Clittoris, it just slips off the tongue!!!!!!!!

2006-11-12 03:02:03 · 17 answers · asked by Shredder 6

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