Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Can you *67 on a pay phone?

2006-11-12 02:53:38 · 8 answers · asked by JonnaMamma 2

arrange these 12 letter in 3 wrds...
S R N I G T I A F E A R ......
those 3 wrds shud b meaningful...
& shud mean something aftr arranging together also .....

2006-11-12 02:48:23 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Shine a flashlight in her ear!!!

2006-11-12 02:41:45 · 12 answers · asked by smurfandturf 1

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to
the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy,
and soon to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug it out and ate it.
Management Lesson?
1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of **** is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best
to keep your mouth shut!!!!!
My granpa always tells me this when i do something idiotic.
DO agree OR NOT???????????????????

2006-11-12 02:39:55 · 10 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

A Golden Retriever!!!

2006-11-12 02:34:39 · 13 answers · asked by smurfandturf 1

How Can A Student Pass"
It's not the fault of the school student if they fails...
Because the year has only 365 days.
Typical academic year for a dull student.

1. Sundays-52,Sundays in a year,which are rest days.
...Balance 313 days.

2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study
.Balance 263days

3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 30days.
Balance 141days.

4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health)means15days
.Balance 126days.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies.(chew properly & eat)30days.
...Balance 96days.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal) 15 days
...Balance 81days.

7. Exam days per year at least 35 days.
Balance 46days.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly & festival(holidays) 40days.
Balance 6days.

9. For sickness atleast 3 days.
Balance 3 days.

10.Movies and functions atleast 2days.
Balance 1day.

11. The 1 day is your birthday.
"How can a student pass?

2006-11-12 02:34:30 · 7 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

say this


do u want me to prove that your girl is mine???
i had her legs spreed just like the jordan sign

LOL

2006-11-12 02:32:07 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."

So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad ... whenever I get big, fat and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."

So this penis is walking by and overhears their conversation and says, "You think that your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room and make me do push ups until I throw up!"

2006-11-12 02:18:54 · 12 answers · asked by Citizen 1

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. What’s better than a rose on your piano?
A. Tulips on your organ

Q. What do you call a hillbilly who owns sheep and goats.
A. Bisexual

Q. What's female Viagra?
A. Jewellery

Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A. A rumor

Q. why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend on the wall?
A. To see her crack

2006-11-12 02:01:06 · 25 answers · asked by leila b 2

Two Macha's were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying like hell.
So the other asked, "Why are you crying?"
The first one replied, "I came here for blood test"
Second one asked, "So? Are you afraid? "
First one replied, " No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger"
Hearing this the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished and asked other, "Why are you crying?"
The other replied, "I have come for my urine test."

2006-11-12 01:51:04 · 8 answers · asked by delphinuz 3

goes to the hospital to see the wounded men. The first one he sees has lost an arm, how you doing soldier he asks, fine thank you sir be back in the line soon. Thats the spirit says the General I'll see you get a medal. The next one has lost both legs, how are you he's asked, fine sir don't worry about me I can still fire a gun. My God says the General we can't loose with that sort of chap on our side. The cases are going worse and worse till eventually he comes to a bed with just a head on the pillow, how are you then soldier he asks. F**K OFF he is told, dont bother me. The General turns to the Doctor and says I didn't expect that. Ah well sir he says, he's a bit touchy today you see. How come?
He's having his teeth out tomorrow.!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-12 01:44:17 · 9 answers · asked by Shredder 6

husband just finished reading a book"man of the house"
when he storms into the kitchen,pointed a finger into his wife's face& said
"from now on i am the man of the house,my word is law!
you will prepare a gourmet meal for me every night!

After you will draw me a bath u will lie on the bed and take whats coming to u & then guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?

She replies"the foowking undertaker"

2006-11-12 01:30:31 · 18 answers · asked by robertboozychic 4

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both
go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel
must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at
these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm
sure it will please God to be able to see them every day,for
eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The
Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and
gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever. The
Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you
two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits
into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me"?

2006-11-12 01:21:42 · 13 answers · asked by god g 1

"help my house is on fire" fireman asks"how do we get there?
Blonde replies "hellloooo" "in the foowking red truck"

2006-11-12 01:20:24 · 16 answers · asked by robertboozychic 4

A guy sticks his head into a barbers shop and asks, “How long
before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around his shop full of customers and said,
“About two hours.” The guy left. A couple of days later the same
guy returns to the barbers shop and stuck his head inside and
asked. “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked
around his shop and replied, “About three hours.” The guy left. A
week later the same guy stuck his head in the barbers shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looked
around his shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The barber
turned to a friend and said, “Hey Bill, do me a favour. Follow that
guy and see where he goes. He keeps coming and asking how long he
has to wait for a haircut and then never comes back.” Bill sets off
and then returns to the shop a short time later laughing.,
hysterically. The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he
leaves?” Bil

2006-11-12 01:13:27 · 11 answers · asked by god g 1

IN PRISON

AT WORK

you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.






IN PRISON

AT WORK

you get three meals a day (free).
.you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.






IN PRISON

AT WORK

you get time off for good behavior.
you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.






IN PRISON

AT WORK

a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
.you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.






IN PRISON

AT WORK

you can watch TV and play games.
you get fired for watching TV and playing games.






IN PRISON

AT WORK

you get your own toilet.
you have to share.






IN PRISON

AT WORK

they allow your family and friends to visit.
you can not even speak to your family and friends.






IN PRISON

AT WORK

all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.











Humm?

Which Sounds Better?

So what are you waiting for........



Kill your Boss

2006-11-12 00:55:05 · 7 answers · asked by epistle_to_dipsy 1

match is bursting for a piss. The fella next to him says what's up pal you can't seem to keep still. I need a piss real bad but I can't get out to the bog. Well this bloke says just do what I do and piss in somebodys pocket. OK he says but won't they notice. I doubt it says the bloke "you didn't half an hour ago"

2006-11-12 00:44:05 · 18 answers · asked by Shredder 6

The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is customary, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

2006-11-12 00:39:16 · 5 answers · asked by epistle_to_dipsy 1

Because he had a javelin stuck through his head.

2006-11-12 00:39:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden. ......


"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"


"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".


So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.


"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".


"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget"


"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".


And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"


"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?


"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..


Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees





Eees a Ham Bush.

2006-11-12 00:25:55 · 4 answers · asked by epistle_to_dipsy 1

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...........

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign "
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: "DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"

2006-11-12 00:16:05 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-11 23:14:37 · 26 answers · asked by shell25leics 2

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender,
"Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

2006-11-11 23:12:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-11 23:04:56 · 19 answers · asked by ? 5

I buried a stone and got fruits later on.

How? Explain.

2006-11-11 22:59:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

in a dark room you have a candle, a match, and a pair of wooden sticks,


which do you light up first?

2006-11-11 22:58:09 · 10 answers · asked by Oh! Crud 3

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1h38kd8dYzg&mode=related&search=

2006-11-11 22:51:51 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paris begins with letter 'P' while ends with letter 'E'.

How? Explain.

2006-11-11 22:47:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender,
"Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good,"
replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

2006-11-11 22:42:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Memory lane?
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ******* fence wasn't electrified."

2006-11-11 22:40:58 · 14 answers · asked by ? 2