Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

some guy is found hung in the middle of a barn

there is nothing in the barn but him

no one helped him

he didnt jump off the roof or walls or an animal

ill post the answer in 2 days
whoever is closest gets 10 points

2006-11-11 22:12:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde began a job as a primary school counsellor, and she was most eager to help. One day during break time she noticed this boy standing all by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.
Sandy approached him and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was.

A little while later, however, she noticed the boy was still in the same spot and still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all by yourself?"

"Because," the little boy said, "I'm the fooking goalie!"

2006-11-11 21:36:53 · 11 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

2006-11-11 21:25:57 · 12 answers · asked by 【ツ】ρεαcε! 5

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer.

She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind Of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at The blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my Car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally... a smart blonde joke.

2006-11-11 21:18:41 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

she was dong the ironing when the phone rang, and burnt her ear!!!!!!!!!!
Kop for that Kizzy

2006-11-11 21:04:35 · 13 answers · asked by Shredder 6

doctor comlpaining of stomach ache, OK he says I'll be right there. Right he says maybe it's someting youv'e eaten, what have you had today?. Well says the fella this morning I had my usual full English, six eggs, two pounds of bacon, black pudding, mushrooms, tomatos, fried bread etc. Then on my way to work I called at the shop for a paper so I had a kit kat and a mars bar. Then at dinner in the canteen I had fish chips and mushy peas, Bert my mate wasn't hungry so I had his as well. For afters it was apple pie and custard, well you can't just have one can you. Then when I got home I had three plates of Shepherds pie with cheese and biscuits to follow. Hang on says the doc I think I know what's up with you, drop your pants. Yeah there's your problem youv'e only got one f**kin a**e hole!!!!!!!!

2006-11-11 20:38:58 · 17 answers · asked by Shredder 6

An Irish couple adopted a baby and enrolled on a language course, when asked why they replied "Well, we adopted the baby from France and we need to know what he's saying as soon as he learns to talk!"

Hey Brent, this ones almost as bad as your jokes, lol.

2006-11-11 20:37:45 · 17 answers · asked by Kizzy_ 5

a stick!

lame, I know :)

2006-11-11 20:32:04 · 9 answers · asked by Ordinary_Gurl 3

2006-11-11 20:07:02 · 11 answers · asked by Scooter 2

2006-11-11 19:50:01 · 5 answers · asked by Timothy S 1

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they are not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens

5. Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put M&Ms on layaway.

8. Move "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask "Why won't you people leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes and X-Men.

13.Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.

18. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those little paper umbrellas in it.

22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

2006-11-11 19:49:36 · 13 answers · asked by stardust792004 3

A bloke goes to an outside toilet to have a sh.t. After he has finished he discovers that there is no toilet paper, however there is a hole in the wall. Above the hole there is a sign saying "To wipe your a$$ use your finger and shove it through this hole and it will be licked by human lips". The bloke thinks this is alright and proceeds to wipe his a$$ with his finger. Once he has a big chunk of sh.t on his finger he shoves his finger through the hole in the wall. Then a bloke on the other side of the wall smashes his finger with a hammer. in shock the bloke pulls his finger back through the hole and sucks on it.

2006-11-11 19:40:49 · 11 answers · asked by Jocko 5

these are my original jokes ok so if there crap well cut me some slack please
and just because i thought of it doesnt mean it wasnt a joke that i havent heard of before ok....

1. what do gold bunnies eat.............24 carrots

2. knock knock
whos there
christmas
christmas who
chriss miss the bus

3. patient: doctor doctor i think ive got constipation
Doctor: no sh*t!!!!

4. patient: doctor doctor ive got constipation
doctor: yeah right
patient: no really i do
doctor: ur so full of sh*t

well what did ya think???

2006-11-11 19:28:29 · 10 answers · asked by !!David!! 2

a very old potato farmers son was locked up in jail for a long time the dad wrote a letter to his son. it said" i dont know what to do i am too old to dig up the garden this year to plant potatoes as you know this is my only source of income, love dad." the son replied back and said" whatever you do dont plant the potatoes in the garden thats where i hid the bodies.love son" the FBI was at his house the next day and tore the entire garden up and didnt find anything. the next day the son wrote his dad again "you can plant the potatoes now love son."

2006-11-11 19:26:35 · 11 answers · asked by stardust792004 3

A Teacher asked Timmy "Why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says (crying) "I heard my dad tell my mom "I'm gonna eat that pussy when the kids go to school"

2006-11-11 18:59:58 · 7 answers · asked by kiki87 3

Three doctors are operating on you. One's a blonde, one's Black, and one's Asian. Then you remember you are only acting and that you managed to get a role on the tv show called Greys Anatomy!

2006-11-11 18:53:47 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

You watch tv and see an ad come on for a movie about a journalist from Kazakhstan. You go to the theatre, watch it, and find out that his name is Borat!

2006-11-11 18:49:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yo momma like a shot gun, two cocks and she blows!

Yo momma like Domino's pizza -- Something for nothing.

Yo momma like spoiled milk, fat and chunky!

Yo momma like cake mix, 15 servings per package!

Yo momma like a bowling ball: She's picked up, fingered, and thrown in the gutter.

Yo momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"

Yo momma like Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"

Yo momma like a hockey team...changes her pads every three periods!

Yo momma like chinese food: sweet, sour and cheap!

Yo momma is like a racing car...chick burned four rubbers in one night.

Yo momma like castlebury stew: servings are family size.

2006-11-11 18:32:32 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok so theres a cuban guy, a persian guy, a hawaiian guy, and a japanese guy on a lifeboat.
the lifeboat is holding too much things and starts sinking,
so the 4 men start throwing things overboard.

first the cuban guy throws a box of exquisite cigars off the boat.
the hawaiian guy says, "hey! how could you waste those cigars!! arent they valuable??"
the cuban guy says, "i have plenty back at home in cuba".

then the persian guy throws his beautiful persian fur rugs off the boat.
the hawaiian guy says "hey! how can you waste those rugs?? arent they worth alot of money??"
the persian guy responds, "i have plenty more rugs back at home in persia."

so the hawaiian guy throws the japanese guy off the boat.


hehe.
tourists, get it??

2006-11-11 18:29:08 · 8 answers · asked by ajakhatarinaak47 2

A redhead walks into a room full of young hopefuls who are all waiting to be interviewed for a high paying job. He then yells, I'm Donald Trump, this is The Apprentice!

2006-11-11 18:19:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

yea 4 real,if u try 2 sit on 1 and someones already sittting there

2006-11-11 18:19:40 · 6 answers · asked by don_vvvvito 6

once santa singh and banta singh decided not to use mobiles instead use trained pigeons next morning santa got bantas pigeon and there i\on the leg of the pigeon was a slip on that slip was bantas no and name in the evening when santa met banta he asked y did he send the pigeon with only his name and no on it banta said"i gave u a missed call"

2006-11-11 18:17:59 · 7 answers · asked by tina 1

An American gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to an
Indian. He immediately turns to the Indian and makes his move.

"You know," says the American to the Indian, "I've heard that
flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger. So let's talk."


The Indian, who had just opened his book, closes it slowly and
says to the American guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear
power?"


"OK," says the Indian. "That could be an interesting topic. But
let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a
flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"


The American guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't
the slightest idea."
"So tell me," says the Indian, "How is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?"

2006-11-11 18:16:14 · 16 answers · asked by Bohemian 1

An Asian, Latino, Black and White person are on a ship together. They get stranded on an island and put into teams. They are told that they are now competing in a race and that they must do whatever it takes to win. Then Jeff Probst comes on the island and tells them that this is Survivor.

2006-11-11 18:15:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two irish blokes walking down a country lane , one of em says jeez pat will you look at this stone , this fella was 136 when he died , pat says , to be sure thats freekin old , what was his name , the other bloke says Miles ------------- from London !

2006-11-11 18:14:44 · 12 answers · asked by nicemanvery 7

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her dang husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails. "

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And dang if the lazy son of a gun didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My dang forehead!"

"Dang, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his *** out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

2006-11-11 17:59:42 · 16 answers · asked by stone 4

Last time, we saw this following riddle:

What is the hardest thing to throw away?
A: An old boomerang!

Heheh. And here is today's riddle:

In baseball, running around the bases, why does it take longer going from second to third?

Have fun! :)

2006-11-11 17:51:14 · 8 answers · asked by iamigloo 6

if a rooster is sitting on a roof that is angled exactly the same on both sides witch side dose the egg roll down?

2006-11-11 17:50:51 · 22 answers · asked by sonjeee 2

One day a man comes inside his house and tells his wife that he saw a monkey in their tree out back. The wife says she knows and that he should look up the monkey catcher in the phone book and tell him to come get it. He can't believe that their is actually such thing but his wife insists. He looks in the phone book and sure enough there is a monkey catcher so he calls him. The monkey catcher says he'll be right over. When he gets there he shows up with a doberman, a shotgun, and a cage. The man says what's all this for. The monkey catcher says, "I'm going to climb this tree and knock this monkey out of the tree. When he falls the doberman is going to bite his testicles until i can get down and get the monkey in the cage." The man says, "Okay, that sounds good, but what is the shotgun for?" "Well, if that monkey happens to knock me out of the tree you'd better shoot that Doberman."

2006-11-11 17:47:16 · 6 answers · asked by Adam B 2

Lawyers typically aren't funny - unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1)
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2)
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3)
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4)
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5)
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6)
Were you alone or by yourself.

7)
How long have you been a French Canadian?

8)
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

9)
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10)
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11)
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12)
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

13)
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14)
So you were gone until you returned?

15)
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

16)
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17)
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18)
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19)
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20)
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

2006-11-11 17:25:36 · 5 answers · asked by chimi c 1