Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Here's mine: Once I was in my hotel room, in the bathroom, taking care of business. I forgot to deadbolt the door and the maid was doing her rounds. The air conditioner was on so I didn't hear the door open. Suddenly the light turns off (the switch is outside the bathroom) and the maid opens the door. There I am, on the toilet. I just yell "Whoa!" She gasps and was like "I so sorry!" she ran out of the room so fast. I was so embarassed but I still laugh about it.

2006-11-12 09:18:24 · 4 answers · asked by aureliusrocker 2

You are locked in a jail cell with no windows. and you need to tap out a message on the wall for the man in the other cell next to you. The problem is that you have to do it at exactly 9:15 PM, when the guard outside is switched, so your noise won't be noticed. You can't hear the switching of the guards through your walls, and you have no clock.

There is a faucet with water dripping very consistently from it in the corner, but you don't know if it is dripping at 30 or 40 or however many drops per minute, and that wouldn't give you the time in any case. You can just make out the chiming of a church bell, but it chimes just once at the top of each hour, so you can't tell the time from that. You can feel the wall facing west start to cool after the sun sets, but you don't know what time the sun is setting, and this isn't very precise in any case. Your dinner is always passed into your cell between 6:15 and 6:45. How do you determine when it is exactly 9:15 PM?

2006-11-12 09:00:30 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is sitting in a restaurant, waiting to order. A stunning waitress with a plunging neckline shimmies over, her tiny skirt revealing the finest pair of legs. She smiles, her huge breasts vying for freedom from her top. "Would you like to order sir?" she asks.
The man spies an opportunity - he's single, she's probably single...what's he got to lose? Gathering himself, he looks up from the menu: "How about a quickie?"
Enraged by his insolence, the waitress flies off the handle, smacking the man in the face screaming insults before storming off to see the manager. Having witnessed the entire event, a nearby diner leans across to the man and proffers some advice. "Don't mind me but I think it's pronounced, "Quiche."
><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><
Paddy and Murphy are strolling through the jungle by a riverbank when they spy a crocodile with a man's head protruding from its mouth.
Paddy turns to Murphy and says, "Would you look at that flash tw*t in his Lacoste sleeping bag..."

2006-11-12 08:59:55 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's
house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the
oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and
inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she
reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister
started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that
turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

2006-11-12 08:56:26 · 20 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2006-11-12 08:50:21 · 13 answers · asked by Stan T 1

An Irishman and an American are arguing about who went into space first. The American is adamant that Uncle Sam was the first to put a man on the moon.
"What bollocks," replies the Irishman, "and anyhow, I hear that soon, we'll be sending an Irish astronaut to the sun!"
The American can't believe his ears. "Don't be so ridiculous," he laughs, "the fool would burn to death!"
"You great eejit," replies the Irishman, "We're not all stupid bast***s...we're going to send him up at night."
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A family are on holiday at a nudist camp. Walking around, the little boy looks at all the different-sized d**ks on display. He asks his dad, "Why are those men's willeys all different sizes?"
His dad replies, "Well, if you have a small d**k, you are unintelligent; but if you have a big one your're brainey."
Later on the dad asks his son, "Where's your mother?"
"She's speaking to that man over there," says the little angel, "and he's getting smarter all the time." :)

2006-11-12 08:39:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Michael walks into a bar&says to the bartender,"I want you to give me 12yr-old Scotch&don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference."The bartender is sceptical&decides to trick George with a glass of 5yr-old.The leather-clad crooner takes a sip, scowls&says,"Bartender this crap is 5yr-old Scotch.I told you I want 12yr-old.
The bartender tries once more with 8yr-old Scotch. George takes a sip, grimaces & says,"Bartender,I don't want this 8yr-old filth.Give me a 12yr-old Scotch!"
Admitting defeat,the bartender dusts off the 12yr-old Scotch from the back of the bar.George takes a sip&sighs, "Ah...now that's the real thing."
A digusting,grimy,stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest.He stumbles over&sets a glass down in front of George&says,"Pal I'm impressed by what you can do.Try this one on me."
George takes a sip&immediately spits out the liquid, crying "Yechh".This tastes like p*ss!"
The drunk's eyes light up."Aye!"he says."Now how old am I?"

2006-11-12 08:23:43 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Candian man meets daily with three people to test their knowledge. He gives them clues to questions on topics such as history, literature, and pop culture., and they need to answer it correctly. His name is Alex Trebeck and the show is called Jeopardy!!

2006-11-12 08:10:51 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three sisters are sat in their bedroom discussing what they're going to do that night. While deciding, they hear a knock at the front door. Their dad answers it, to find a lad standing there.
"Hiya," says the youth. "My name's Lance - I've come to pick up Flance to take her to the dance. Any chance?"
"Sure," says the dad, and with this Flance leaves for the dance with Lance.
A short while later there's another knock on the door. Again the dad answers. It's another lad, "Hello sir," he says, "I'm Joe, I've come to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Can she go?" The dad nods his okay, and away goes Flo with Joe to the show.
The one girl left on her own feels a bit left out, when finally there's another knock at the door. Again the dad answers.
"Wotcher," says the young man on the doorstep. "My name's Tucker...
"You can piss off!!" shouts the dad as he slams the door shut. :)

2006-11-12 08:04:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men (a tv broadcaster, a comedien, and a wanna be rockstar)all live together in San Francisco and are raising three girls. Their names are Danny, Joey and Uncle Jesse. Then you find out they're on a TV show called Full House!!

2006-11-12 08:04:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

"You are obsessed with drinking and even named your daughter Brandy." To the next he said, "You are obsessed with money and named your daughter, Penny." The third woman grabbed her son and said, "Let's go Richard. We have other things to do."

2006-11-12 08:01:13 · 12 answers · asked by al p 3

A couple had been married for six years, and were having trouble with their sex life: all the husband wanted to do was watch the football on telly. So the wife went to the psychiatrist. He asked her if she had tried aphrodisiacs and she said, "Yes, I've tried everything."
He then asked her if she'd tried crotchless knickers. She hadn't, so she went out and bought some. Back home, she put them on underneath a very short mini-skirt.
As usual, the husband was sitting watch the football. She walked in and sat down opposite him, and folded her legs. He looked up and frowned. She then unfolded her legs very slowly and widely, a number of times. The husband didn't flinch.
So she thoughjt, "Bugger it," and spread them. The husband looked over in horror and said, "Are those crotchless knickers you're wearing?"
"Yes," she purred. "Why?"
"Thank goodness for that," said the husband. "I thought it was a rip in the new sofa."

2006-11-12 07:55:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 07:46:54 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 07:45:18 · 29 answers · asked by JazzieJones 1

2006-11-12 07:40:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok there was a girl talking to her teachers about whales the teacher said it was imposibile for a whale to swallow a human the girl said what about noah? The teacher argued . Fine said the kid i will ask noah when i go to heavan the teachcer said what if noah went to hell? the kid said then u ask him

2006-11-12 07:13:52 · 13 answers · asked by Charliee[[JB]]<33 2

2006-11-12 07:12:39 · 4 answers · asked by funloven 2

Stop it with a shovel :)

2006-11-12 07:12:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 07:11:10 · 26 answers · asked by Bartholowmewthree 1

Once there was three pigs going to dinner.The waitor comes and asks what they want for dinner.
pig #1: a steak and potatoes
pig #2: a salad and corn
pig #3: beer
So the waitor brings them their orders and asks what they want for drinks.
pig #1: soda
pig #2: lemonade
pig #3: beer
When the waitor brings their drinks they were already done eating. So he asks if they would like desert. They said they did.
pig #1: sundae
pig #2: pie
pig #3: beer
And the waitor asks pig #3 why he always orders beer and pig #3 says," Well some one has to go wee wee wee all the way home!"

is it funny or stupid?

2006-11-12 06:48:51 · 30 answers · asked by mojoe_girl 2

Similarly, if I scratch my right hand, I would scratch the other one. I would like to know if you also feel or have ever felt like this?

2006-11-12 06:42:34 · 11 answers · asked by Alizay 1

2006-11-12 06:37:40 · 13 answers · asked by darrenbafc 2

2006-11-12 06:27:43 · 12 answers · asked by joshmcc13 1

The man was told he had twenty four hours to live
He couldnt change what he was told,
no matter how much he wanted to give
At home he sat in his usual chair;
with his hand he made one swoop through his hair.
He got up and headed for the door,
opening it up to a world that twenty four hours from now he will see no more.
Slamming the door shut he swung around,
walking through his house,
searching for something that will never be found.
A few tears rolled down his cheeks,
off his chin on to his rugged looking sneaks.
It made him feel good to know that within himself he could confide.
At least he knew he still had a little bit of pride.
Wiping the tears away, he knelt down and began to pray.
He knew this was the last thing he could give,
within his last twenty four hours to live.


Just wantin to know if this is alright. I wrote this awile back. Be honest you wont hurt my feelings.

2006-11-12 06:25:07 · 14 answers · asked by melucknope 1

having her breasts enlarged asks her hubby if he'll pay for it. Why spend all that money all you need to do is rub some toilet tissue between them. Will that make them bigger she says. Oh aye he says "look what it's done for your a**e.

2006-11-12 06:23:14 · 13 answers · asked by Shredder 6

He said he had no idea, but really Innuit

2006-11-12 06:11:26 · 12 answers · asked by Roy S 3

The clues are as followed:
1.) Is Popular throughout Europe.
2.) Is a symbol of good fortune
3.) Can be traced back to Roman times.

Thanks.

2006-11-12 06:09:58 · 7 answers · asked by John 2

If so, please describe it.

2006-11-12 06:09:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE MANS GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...Go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not over reacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper... ..

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of
white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

Yes = No

No = No

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get
used to it

Was that the baby?= Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until
he goes to sleep

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I
need to look at a few new purses, and those pink sheets would look
great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

THE ANSWER TO A FEMALE SAYING "WHAT'S WRONG?".....

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such a pain in the butt

I don't want to talk about it = Go away, I'm still building up steam

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH

"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry

"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy

"I'm tired" = I'm tired

"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you

"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you

"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you

"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!

"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you

"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out
of this

"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?

"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?

"I love you" = Let's have sex now

"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better before

"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't look
any different!

"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a
deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me

"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys

"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress
and let's go home!!!

2006-11-12 06:02:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode the stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and few of us realize the long-term harm caused by the pollutants in our drinking water.
"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

2006-11-12 05:55:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous