Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Fair enough…let’s take a look at what you’re asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per
week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day AWAY from work, you have used up 170
days, leaving only 90 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks. That takes care of 23
days, leaving 68 days available.

You take an hour’s lunch EVERY day, which takes up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on Sick Leave. This leaves only 20
daysavailable for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is
down to 15 days.

We GENEROUSLY give you 14 days annual leave which leaves only 1 day
available for work, and I’ll tell you this mate, I’ll be damned if
you’re going to take that day off!!!

2006-11-12 15:25:06 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced "A typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds." Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of 'wow!' are heard. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, 'Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren't you? How much does the baby weigh now?' The proud father answers, 'fifteen pounds.' The bartender is puzzled. 'Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.' The Texas father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, 'Had him circumcised.'

2006-11-12 15:21:35 · 5 answers · asked by ? 5

Ok, I got some great chicken jokes, how about moose---or meeces. How ever you wish to call them. There has got to be jokes for them too.....

2006-11-12 15:20:19 · 3 answers · asked by Squeek 2

From a Woman
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that banjo player in “Deliverance.”)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (I don’t want to date my Dad.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You are the ugliest dork I’ve ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don’t want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys.)
6. I’ve got a boyfriend. (I prefer the company of my cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry’s.)
5. I don’t date men where I work. (I wouldn’t date you if you were in the same ’solar system,’ much less the same building.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (It’s you.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I’m celibate. (I’ve sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let’s be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I sleep with)

From a Man
10. I think of you as a sister. (You’re ugly.)
9. There’s a slight difference in our ages. (You’re ugly.)
8. I’m not attracted to you in ‘that’ way. (You’re ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You’re ugly.)
6. I’ve got a girlfriend. (You’re ugly.)
5. I don’t date women where I work. (You’re ugly.)
4. It’s not you, it’s me. (You’re ugly.)
3. I’m concentrating on my career. (You’re ugly.)
2. I’m celibate. (You’re ugly.)
1. Let’s be friends. (You’re ugly.)

2006-11-12 15:19:57 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Alabama couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children.
They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband
“fixed”.

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked
them what finally made them make the decision — why after
nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article
that one out of every ten children being born in North
America was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance
on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could
speak Spanish.

Enjoy! Have a Nice Day ^_^

2006-11-12 15:12:35 · 7 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

Before you knew the answer, did it make you think hard? I just want to know.

2006-11-12 15:09:17 · 5 answers · asked by bernie 2

1) A Guide to Arab Democracies

2) A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman

3) Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean

4) Career Opportunities for History Majors

5) Contraception by Pope John Paul II

6) Detroit - A Travel Guide (with a forward by H. Mainhardt)

7) Different Ways to Spell “BOB”

8) Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches

9) Easy UNIX

10) Canadian Tips on World Dominance

11) Everything Men Know About Women

12) French Hospitality

13) Bob Dole: The Wild Years

14) How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel

15) Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette

16) Mormon Divorce Lawyers

17) Popular Lawyers

18) Staple Your Way to Success

19) Tasty Bile Recipes

20) The Amish Phone Book

21) Gypsy Sports Heroes

22) Gourmet Recipes From Michigan

23) Chic Mormon Hairstyles

24) Remarkable Texans

25) Around the World in a Peugeot

26) Fat-free German Cooking

27) English Tanning Secrets

28) The Charm of the South

29) Swiss Beaches- A Guide

30) Spicy Irish Cooking

31) Brilliant Spanish Military Campaigns

32) Great Cars of Russia

33) Advances in Chinese Human Rights

34) Investing - The Albanian Way

2006-11-12 15:09:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

In a Michigan rest area: Here I sit, gruntin and fartin, giving birth, to another spartan.
In an Alabama truck stop: How does this toilet paper differ from sandpaper? Sandpaper is only rough on one side.
In a Texas resturant: This toilet paper is just like John Wayne. Rough as hell and don't take $hit off of anybody.

2006-11-12 15:06:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer pulls over a guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

The man says, "Sorry officer, I can't do dat. I am a asthmatic 'n if I do dat, I'll have a really bad asthma attack!"

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

"I can't do dat eeder! I am a hemophiliac. If I do dat, I'll bleed to death!"

"Well, then we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry officer, I can't do dat eeder. I am also a diabetic. If I do dat, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right then, I need you to come out here and walk this white line."

"I can't do dat, officer."

"Why not?"

"Cause I'm drunk as a skunk!"

2006-11-12 15:05:20 · 18 answers · asked by ettezzil 5

Ole and Lena are driving home from a party one night when Ole gets pulled over for speeding. The officer comes to the window and asks Ole, “Sir, did you realize that you were speeding?”

“No sir,” replies Ole, “I had no idea I was speeding.”

Suddenly, Lena blurts out, “Yeah you did Ole! You were speeding and you knew it the whole time!”

“Would you be quiet Lena, this isn’t the time or the place!”

“Well, you were speeding and now you’re trying to lie about it,” says Lena.

Ole replies, “Will you just shut up for once, I’m sick of you bossing me around!”

The officer, still standing at the window of the car is surprised at the way Ole is talking to his wife. He asks, “Ma’am, does your husband always talk to you like this?”

“No,” she replies, “only when he’s been drinking.”

2006-11-12 14:47:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

This was developed as an age test by the Behavioral Science Dept. of the reputed Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age can't do it!

1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down

2006-11-12 14:37:17 · 27 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

Ok I am singing at a coffee shop thursday and I need two jokes to say when we are changing things around... I need somne jokes like ... yeah the other day i ..blah blah blah thanks!!

2006-11-12 14:18:18 · 7 answers · asked by ILOVEMYBOYFRIEND 2

Heres the first one,
what is the longest word you can spell with only one vowel?
and,
What can you put in a glass that you cant take out?

2006-11-12 14:17:36 · 10 answers · asked by Ali 3

Three girl who were fast friends got married to different men a Gujrati, Bengali and Sardaarji and went for honeymoon to different places

when they returned from honeymoon they met each other and shared their secrets
First " I enjoyed my honeymoon to the max my husband is a natural lover i saw different places and sight seeing

the second one said" my husband is an archeologist i saw monunents and historical places

the third one did not said any thing

when the other two insisted she said " I only saw the ceiling fan"

2006-11-12 13:56:52 · 17 answers · asked by stone 4

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school, and college students around the world. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades:

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Many women belive that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for sevral days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."

2006-11-12 13:55:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

- I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

- If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

- In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

- No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

- Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

- People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.

- Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

- We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

- When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

- Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

2006-11-12 13:54:25 · 6 answers · asked by Ruthie1959 6

THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:

§ 40-ish...................52 and looking for 25-yr-old

§ Athletic................Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

§ Average looking...Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back

§ Educated..............Will always treat you like an idiot

§ Free Spirit............ Sleeps with your sister

§ Friendship first..... As long as friendship includes touching & nudity.

§ Fun........................Good with a remote and a six pack

§ Good looking.........Arrogant

§ Honest....................Pathological liar

§ Huggable................Overweight, more body hair than a buffalo

§ Likes to cuddle.......Insecure, overly dependent

§ Mature ...................Until you get to know him

§ Open-minded..........Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested

§ Physically fit............I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

§ Poet....................... Has written on a bathroom stall

§ Spiritual.................. Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

§ Stable..................... Occasional stalker, but never arrested

2006-11-12 13:52:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

TRANSLATIONS OF TERMS USED:

FIRST THE WOMEN:

§ 40-ish ............... 49

§ Adventurer.....Has had more partners than you ever will

§ Athletic.......................Flat-chested

§ Average looking.......... Ugly

§ Beautiful..................... Pathological liar

§ Contagious smile......... Bring your penicillin

§ Educated ................... College dropout

§ Emotionally secure....... Medicated

§ Feminist....................... Fat; a ball buster

§ Free spirit.................... Substance user

§ Friendship First......... Trying to live down a reputation as a slut

§ Fun........................... Annoying & Talks A Lot

§ Gentle ..................... Comatose

§ Good listener ........... Borderline autistic

§ New-age ....................Body Piercing &/or Tattoos

§ Old-fashioned ........... Lights out, missionary position only

§ Open-minded ............. Desperate

§ Outgoing.................... Loud

§ Passionate.................. Loud

§ Poet..................... .....Depressive schizophrenic

§ Professional...............Aggressive &/or Overbearing

§ Redhead.................... Shops the Clairol section

§ Reubenesque..............Fat

§ Romantic.................. Looks better by candlelight

§ Voluptuous............... Grossly Fat

§ Weight proportional to height......Watch Out!!

§ Wants soulmate..........One step away from stalking

§ Widow...................... Nagged first husband to death

§ Young at heart.......... Toothless crone

2006-11-12 13:51:21 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a little boy is playing with his football & a girl asks if she can play too.
this is for boys only, he says
the girl runs in the house & tell her mother. the next day she has the same football
Then the boy gets a shiny blue bike " this is for boys only"
the next day She has the same bike. Angry, the boy pulls down his pants & point to his privates
well only boys can have these & your mom can't buy you one!!
the next day the little girl raise her dress & points to her bit.
my mom said as long as I have one of THESE I can get as many THOSE i want!

2006-11-12 13:47:15 · 25 answers · asked by harmony 4

Two Blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna,
were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for
Humanity house.
Carol, who was nailing down house siding,
would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Donna got completely upset and yelled,
"You moron!
Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"

2006-11-12 13:44:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Whoever makes it sells it, Whoever buys it doesnt use it, Whoever uses it doesnt see it

2006-11-12 13:32:46 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tom worked the midnight shift as a mortician's helper. One night Tom was working on a body when he noticed a cork stuck in it's rear end, he pulled it out and it played "Yankee doodle went to town" He slammed the cork back in, but out of curiousity, pulled it back out, sure enough, "Yankee doodle went to town" He called his boss and said you have to get down here, now! The boss said, this better be good" When he arrived, Tom took him to the table and pulled out the cork, it started singing again. The boss turned around and said, "Tom, Tom, Tom, you woke me up at two in the morning to hear some a**hole sing Yankee Doodle?

2006-11-12 13:27:34 · 10 answers · asked by sluggo1947 4

Top Ten Signs You're At A Redneck Wedding
10. Rehearsal Dinner Held At Hooters
9. Instead Of "Friends Of The Bride Or Friends Of The Groom?"
Ushers Ask "Ford Or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Bridegrooms: Travis Tritt T-Shirts
7. Phrase "I Do" Replaced By "I Heard That"
6. Tender Rendition Of "The Wedding Song" Performed By Pinkard & Bowden
5. When Minister Asks Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married...
Some Guy In The Back Stands Up And Hollers "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception Conversation Includes The Phrase "So What Have You Been Doing Since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack Trays At Reception: Vienna Sausages And Nacho Cheese Doritos
2. Plans For The Honeymoon Evening Include Tickets To The Monster Truck Show

...And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...

Sign In Front Of The Church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!

2006-11-12 13:19:32 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

At the fish hatchery where I work, we have a small display that describes the now-extinct Michigan Grayling (a kind of fish). This summer, I had the following conversation with a tourist:


Tourist: "Is the Grayling still extinct?"
Me: "Yes sir, it doesn't exist anymore."
Tourist: "Any thoughts of bringing it back?"
Me: "No, I don't think that's possible."
Tourist: "Why not?"
Me: "Because it's extinct."
Tourist: "Still?"
Me: "Yes."
Frustrated, he left.

2006-11-12 13:02:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 12:59:45 · 15 answers · asked by ? 2

A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an "emergency" appointment. The receptionist said to come right in.

She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem.

She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry, Miss," he said, "but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy , delicate and expensive surgical operation."

"I'm not sure I can afford it," sighed the young woman. "But while I am here could you just replace the batteries

2006-11-12 12:54:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of my employees called in sick the other day. I asked him "Why can't you come to work." He said "I have anal glaucoma. " I asked,"What is anal glaucoma?" His reply was,"I can't see my a*s*s coming to work today!"

2006-11-12 12:52:40 · 13 answers · asked by L-Rob 3

you can ask me yes or no questions, and i will answer to give you hints.

first correct answer gets the points!

just to get you started, height/weight/ethnicity/physical descriptions are irrelevent.

2006-11-12 12:47:58 · 18 answers · asked by need 2 get a grip 3

look in joke book or on google

2006-11-12 12:40:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

would you hold it against me?

2006-11-12 12:30:54 · 11 answers · asked by ///\oo/\\\ 4