Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible.

So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs.

Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs.

"Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here."

A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his a*s*s."

2006-11-12 12:28:34 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''

2006-11-12 12:18:44 · 28 answers · asked by toietmoi 6

There are two rooms connected by one door. In Room 1, there are three light switches. In Room 2 there are three light bulbs. The problem: to figure out which switch goes to which bulb.
The catch: when you open the door, all the power is disconnected and the bulbs go out. How do you figure out which switch goes to which bulb? They are incandecent bulbs.
You cannot enter the room with the light bulbs and close the door, you may only go in with door left open.

[It personally took me two weeks to figure this out and when I did it was definitely a "Doh!!!" moment.]

2006-11-12 12:16:20 · 14 answers · asked by quntmphys238 6

An atheist was walking through the woods. He said to himself:

"What majestic trees!"
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear
was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out, "Oh my God!!!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light s hone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don' t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me
to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.

And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

2006-11-12 12:15:35 · 8 answers · asked by donttalkjustplay05 4

2006-11-12 12:10:22 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just want to stir something up with them. Any prank ideas?

2006-11-12 12:06:46 · 5 answers · asked by aureliusrocker 2

2006-11-12 12:01:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 11:59:02 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?


97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out, but 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out in 6 minutes or less. Can you guess the correct answer?

2006-11-12 11:36:31 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 jealous husbands and their wives have to cross a river using a boat that is only big enough for 2 people at a time. How can they cross the river so that no woman is left in the company of any other woman's husband unless her husband is also present?

2006-11-12 11:32:15 · 14 answers · asked by Daisy® 5

you can ask me yes or no questions and i will answer them to give you hints. first person with the correct answer wins!
p.s. there can be TWO possible answers. i just need ONE.

2006-11-12 11:29:08 · 11 answers · asked by need 2 get a grip 3

2006-11-12 11:19:54 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

For the family to get a good laugh.

2006-11-12 11:10:28 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

While I am away, I want you to figure this out.
~What walks on one leg in the morning?
~What walks on two legs in the afternoon?
~What walks on three legs at night?

2006-11-12 11:08:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 10:55:17 · 4 answers · asked by Alucard89 1

Jokes | Jokes
I'm coming



The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

2006-11-12 10:52:31 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 10:43:58 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

From the things you've heard on the street, heard at school or at home. They have to be something YOU heard and not heard from someone else. Meaning just random things people have said and you thought was really funny. Funniest gets Best Answer.

2006-11-12 10:43:12 · 4 answers · asked by Rawr_Kitty 3

I'm sure there's a marketing or psychological reason.
Pl don't give me answers like: they like the colors. Duh.

2006-11-12 10:42:36 · 4 answers · asked by Toshihiro 3

2006-11-12 10:42:26 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Returning from an exhausting day at work, a man plops down on the couch in front of the TV,
"Hey darling," he shouts to his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
His wife sighs and fetches him a beer. "Actually," says the man as she's walking away, "I'll probably need another beer before it starts."
She looks cross, but fetches another tin and slams it down next to him. But after gulping down both beers, the husband is still not satisfied. "Quick, get me another beer," he says. "It's going to start any minute!!"
"No, I won't!" screams the furious wife back. "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer, fart and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob - and furthermore..."
"Damn," sighs the man....."It's started."

2006-11-12 10:31:28 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

lay a friend down flat...rud their tempels,their eyes closed,...tell them 2 say their ABCs forward then backward,take ur time....then tell them 2 count 2 100 forward then backward a little faster...now ask them wut they see...if done rite they should b in a trance...wen they tell u all they see, wake them up...

2006-11-12 10:20:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

HER DIARY

Sunday 13th June 2004

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I had been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat. All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong. He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed.

I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on. After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

HIS DIARY

Sunday 13th June 2004

England lost to France. Gutted. Got a shag though

2006-11-12 10:10:31 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 10:01:56 · 24 answers · asked by Mark Antony 3

not a pot of gold!

2006-11-12 09:52:03 · 24 answers · asked by Moose 6

After suffering years of torment from her friends an extremely flat-chested woman finally decides to buy a bra&goes to a high-class lingerie store."Excuse me,"she says to the assistant,"Do you have a size 28AAA bra?"
"Certainly not"replies the saleswoman haughtily-so the woman leaves&tries her luck in the next shop.Unfortunately the response is the same;everywhere she goes,she is rudely rebuffed.After trying8lingerie stores,she angrily storms into a bargain depart. store.Marching up to the sales clerk,she unbuttons her blouse.
"Do you have anything for these?"she yells.
The lady looks at her closely.
"I'm not sure,"she says."Have you tried Clearasil?"
<>
With his elderly wife Bill the pensioner goes to the doc for his annual physical.After testing him with the stethoscope,the physician turns to him."Well Bill," he says."You seem fine but I'm going to need urine,stool&sperm samples."
Hard of hearing,Bill asks his wife "What did he say?"
"Wife - He said he needs your underwear."

2006-11-12 09:47:15 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling Mum you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an £80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

2006-11-12 09:45:22 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

where you go in the bathroom and lock yourself in a light a candle and then chant bloody marys 3 tinmes with your eyes shut... or another version

2006-11-12 09:43:36 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man staggers into an A&E with a golf club wrapped around his throat. Concerned, the doctor asks what happened. "Well," begins the man, "I was having a quiet game of golf with the wife when she sliced her ball into a field full of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of these cows had something small and white in its backside. I walked over, lifted up its tail and, sure enough, there was the wife's golf ball lodged right in the middle of its ar*e...and that's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doc.
"I yelled to my wife; "Hey" This looks like yours!"
<><><><><><><>
Patrick is walking down the street when he notices his grandfather sitting on his porch, in a rocking chair - with nothing on from the waist-down. "Grandpa," he asks, "why are you sitting out here half-naked?"
The old man looked at him sheepishly.
"Well," he said, "Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandmother's idea."

2006-11-12 09:25:41 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

How much wood could a wood chuck chop if a wood chuck could chop wood?

2006-11-12 09:23:48 · 20 answers · asked by CHARLENE H 1