Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

2006-11-12 17:34:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are on top of a mountain when a genie appears infront of them. "You may all have one wish." says the genie. "But, whatever you wish for you will land in once you jump off the cliff."
The Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts "GOLD!"
The Scotsman jumps off the cliff and shouts "WHISKEY!"
The Irishman goes to jump of the cliff, trips over a rock and says "Oh Sh*it!"
*************
One day a man (who hates lawyers)found a lamp along the beach.he rubbed it and a genie popped out.she said,"i will give you three wishes....but there is a catch!"the man said,"a catch?"the genie said,"yes,whatever you wish for every lawyer gets double."he said,"ok... my first wish will be.....a ferrari!"poof!now every lawyer has 2 ferraris"i have always wanted to
have a million dollars !"poof! now every lawyer has 2 million dollars.ummmm....i have always wanted to donate a kidney?poof!

2006-11-12 17:20:33 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

2006-11-12 17:15:13 · 17 answers · asked by HeartBeats 1

2006-11-12 17:10:25 · 11 answers · asked by PsycHedelic 1

2006-11-12 16:55:04 · 18 answers · asked by green-eyed monster 2

Kicking a Lion in his balls or
Having Sex with Michael Jackson (kids only should answer this...lol)?

2006-11-12 16:53:52 · 9 answers · asked by PsycHedelic 1

2006-11-12 16:48:09 · 6 answers · asked by PsycHedelic 1

2006-11-12 16:41:52 · 24 answers · asked by scrubbag 7

What Women Want in a Man, Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until I’m in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I’m talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when I’m venting
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn’t scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend
What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn’t miss the toilet.

2006-11-12 16:16:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

im in the mood for some do u know any???

2006-11-12 16:13:17 · 3 answers · asked by ? 4

It has 15 letters in this joke.

2006-11-12 16:10:27 · 6 answers · asked by mouse b 2

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

2006-11-12 16:09:32 · 13 answers · asked by ? 5

think hard and ask your friends. I've found there is a gender difference in the responces.

2006-11-12 16:08:32 · 10 answers · asked by olemerv2000 2

a newly wed lady asks her mother- in -law

"Mom will u please tell me how many months is the gestation period before a child delivery here"

Mother-In-law "Of course it is nine months, why what is the problem"

lady "Oh! on our side it is six months. So if u dont mind for the first delivery I will follow the tradition of my parents"

2006-11-12 16:07:38 · 6 answers · asked by stone 4

If a chicken and ahalf layed an egg and a half how long would it take a monkey with a wooden leg to pick the seeds out of a watermelon?

2006-11-12 16:01:49 · 11 answers · asked by tingler 2

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your *** and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.

2006-11-12 16:00:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

2006-11-12 15:59:37 · 8 answers · asked by ? 5

Men are biologically incapable of letting a women light a barbecue.

Men drive to a party, women drive back.

Heterosexual women are not frightened of lesbians, whereas heterosexual men are terrified of homosexuals - once they are pointed out to them, by women.

Men have flu, women have colds.

Women do not replace tops on jars and tubes. Men put them on so tightly that they cannot be removed at all.

Single-tasking men do one thing well at a time: e.g. drink a cup of coffee.
In the same time a single-tasking women can make breakfast, make the children’s sandwiches, organize the window cleaner, phone the office, dress the children, write shopping list, iron a shirt and de-flea the cat. Women have not yet realised this is an evolutionary disadvantage.

Men warm their posteriors at the fire, women do not.

Women’s posteriors enable them to sit comfortably on the floor, men’s do not.

A man who regularly visits his mother is a mummy’s boy. A women who does the same is a good daughter.

A man who has no difficulty in undressing an adult women will nevertheless prove incapable of fitting a small child into a baby gown.

A woman believes that visitors will be impressed by a clean house. A man believes that the visitors will be impressed with his large stereo.

Exactly the same haircut will cost $30 more for a woman than it will for a man.

2006-11-12 15:54:50 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Laugh a lot
2. Read the newspaper
3. Care about something
4. Like the way I look in sweatpants
5. Sing along with the radio…LOUDLY
6. Know that I sing along with the radio…LOUDLY
7. Know how to dance
8. Never forget that there’s a “friend” in “boyfriend”
9. Know that “hearing” and “listening” are two different things
10. Be secure enough not to envy my teddy bear
11. Smile with his eyes
12. Wear a watch
13. Have strong hands
14. Think that beauty is in the eye of the beholder
15. Have an opinion
16. Own at least one classical CD
17. Have close friends
18. Know how many people are in Congress
19. Think Pamela Anderson is “too thin”
20. Eat ice cream cones
21. Give good back rubs…
22. …and like to get them
23. Love his mother
24. Vote
25. Think that Mickey Mouse is a pretty cool guy
26. Love to hear me laugh
27. Make mistakes
28. Give great hugs
29. Take the road less traveled
30. Doodle
31. Be proud of my successes…
32. …and know that I am proud of his
33. DREAM!!
34. Wear sweaters
35. Know at least one poem by heart
36. Know how to pitch a tent
37. Know how to pitch a baseball
38. Be able to sew on a button
39. Remember the name of my teddy bear
40. Like to buy flowers…
41. …and to get them
42. Put up with me
43. Believe in magic
44. Believe in love
45. Know how to make chocolate chip cookies
46. Talk to himself
47. Think that love is forever
48. Read the editorial page
49. Know how to say “I’m sorry”
50. Know that no guy could ever be all of these things, but be
willing to give it a try

2006-11-12 15:52:56 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

How does the joke 'ther are five flies sitting on a turd sinnging when the log rolls over we will drown drown drown? the person who tells me the whole joke or gives me the best link to it will recieve best answer!

2006-11-12 15:47:25 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you messed up your life, you could press “Ctrl, Alt, Delete” and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on “run”! If you needed a break from life, click on suspend.

Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To add/remove someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you loose your car keys, click on find.

“Help” with the chores is just a click away.

Auto insurance wouldn’t be necessary. You would use your diskette to recover from a crash.

And, we could click on “SEND NOW” and a Pizza would be on it’s way to YOU…

2006-11-12 15:46:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

the beginning of eternity,

the end of time and space,

the beginning to every end,

and the end to every place

What am I?

2006-11-12 15:42:44 · 23 answers · asked by Carrie 3

1. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they’re OK, you’re it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
11. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
12. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
13. Paul’s Law: You can’t fall off the floor.
14. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
15. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
16. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.
17. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

2006-11-12 15:42:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2006-11-12 15:33:15 · 11 answers · asked by ortiz11c08 1

condom says to pad, "**** you!!! every month you stop my business for about a week" ....pad says "yeah, but if you make one mistake, i lose my ****** job for nine months.

2006-11-12 15:32:27 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Studying expands knowledge,

Knowledge is power,

Power corrupts,

Corruption is a crime,

Crime doesn’t pay.

Why study?

2006-11-12 15:31:59 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was walking past a grave yard and he heard one of Beethoven's symphoney's playing backwards.He thought to himself "That's wierd" and kept walking.
The next day the same man walked past the same cemetary and heard another one of Beethoven's symphony's playing backward's. He thought to himself "Now that's REALLY wierd!" and kept going.
THe next day the same man was once again walking past the same cemetary and heard "Ode to Joy" playing backwards.
The man said "I can't take this any more!" he walked up to the caretaker and asked, "What is going on around here?!" the caretaker answered, "Oh, that's just Beethoven decomposing."

2006-11-12 15:28:15 · 27 answers · asked by Pd 6

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.

2006-11-12 15:27:57 · 6 answers · asked by ? 5

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

2006-11-12 15:26:40 · 6 answers · asked by ? 5

A nun asked her class which part of the human body went to heaven first. Amy responded with here hands. The nun asked why. Amy said " When you neel beside your bed and have your hands up to pray, God can grab them and take you to heaven". Jeoff anounced it's the feet that goes first! The nun asked why? Jeoff responded " Last night as I walked by my parents room, I saw her feet sticking straight up into the air and she was screaming " Oh God I'm Coming!" If it wasn't for for my father holding her down, we would have lost her"

2006-11-12 15:25:14 · 7 answers · asked by Lab 7