Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

two lost souls are you swimming in a fish bowl year after year,
Do you run over the same old ground and what have you found mmmmmmmm the same old fears.

2006-11-13 04:36:56 · 16 answers · asked by The Exorcist 3

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull. ''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant .''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?! ''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

2006-11-13 04:34:16 · 18 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

Cuz I realy want to read it ,it would be very nice.

2006-11-13 04:27:20 · 5 answers · asked by wolfington 2

When you see cobweb on a whore's c***!

2006-11-13 04:21:29 · 14 answers · asked by Hobby 5

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

2006-11-13 04:16:34 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who watched the whole incident walked up and asked,"What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down, replied:

"I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."

2006-11-13 04:02:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a man says to his wife tell me something that will make me happy, so she thinks and says your cocks bigger than your brothers.

2006-11-13 03:51:10 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once while looking through my pictures (a couple of them had HOLLYWOOD sign on the background) I came up with this riddle.
I know it will be easy for ya!

2006-11-13 03:45:34 · 17 answers · asked by geminim_19 1

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

2006-11-13 03:33:31 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

'I can play ANY musical instrumentyou like'. An Englishman gives him a guitar which he palys better than Hendrix, an Irishman give him a piano which he plays better than Elton John.

... A scotsman throws him a set of bagpipes, the octopus fumbles around for a couple of minutes and the Scotsman says 'whats wrong ... ken ye no play it'?

The octopus says ..'PLAY IT'?? ... Im gonna F**k her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!!!

2006-11-13 03:32:57 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

....the jerk got out.

He walked straight into a bar.

Boy did that hurt.

It was an iron bar.

He always drinks his whiskey neat.

Sometimes though, he will remove his tie and take his shirt out of his pants.

2006-11-13 03:24:29 · 14 answers · asked by Latoya. 2

....the jerk got out.

He walked straight into a bar.

Boy did that hurt.

It was an iron bar.

He always drinks his whiskey neat.

Sometimes though, he will remove his tie and take his shirt out of his pants.

2006-11-13 03:22:37 · 5 answers · asked by Latoya. 2

slaps his circumcised penis on the checkout at Asda and says.......
'Try rollin this one back..'......

2006-11-13 03:17:11 · 11 answers · asked by ♥ 5

2006-11-13 03:08:36 · 6 answers · asked by "Call me Dave" 5

Someone said to two matematicians (A and B)
"I have two numbers in mind. They are both greater than 1, and their sum is less than 100. I will whisper A their product, and B their sum." (B does not know the product, and A does not know the sum)

Then he does as he said. After which the following conversation took place:

A: I don't know what the numbers are.
B: I already knew that you didn't know what the numbers were.
A: Now I know the numbers.
B: Now I know the numbers too.

What are the two numbers?

2006-11-13 02:53:15 · 6 answers · asked by lyerb 2

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'"
"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained the Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent.Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.Fantastic! exclaimed Tony Blair. That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
"Well," says the boy It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fu**ing accident either

2006-11-13 02:24:11 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

LITTLE TONY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the
ice cream. Which one is married ?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding
ring on," but I like your thinking."

2006-11-13 02:21:00 · 18 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.


"Well, what have the two of you decided" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

2006-11-13 02:20:00 · 19 answers · asked by guys kicker 1

Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden, POOF!, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!....she was gone.
After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the Pussywillows."
Harry yells back......"DON'T SWING FRED!!!" "For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

2006-11-13 02:16:50 · 24 answers · asked by Pd 6

One woman had a stroke but the other woman was too far away to reach.

2006-11-13 02:09:28 · 18 answers · asked by al p 3

When Andrea was planning her upcoming wedding, she asked to wear her mother's wedding dress. She went to try it on and the gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. As her mother's eyes welled up with tears, Andrea put an arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter", she reminded her mother in time-honored fashion, "you're gaining a son."
"Oh forget about that!" said her mother with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

****************
Tax and Flag
A visitor from The Netherlands was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

2006-11-13 02:05:22 · 39 answers · asked by Pd 6

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

2006-11-13 01:57:58 · 11 answers · asked by MissDiva 2

i have heard that in one scene on the wizard of oz that the dorothy that did not receive the part hung herself in the movie, after hearing this i watched the movie and i seen something that looked like a people hanging theirself in the woods, the scene is after the tinman and the witch talk about making him into a beehive and the wicth thorwing a ball of fire at the scarecrow, then the witch flews away in a puff of red smoke then dorothy, the scarecrow, and the tinman go down the yellow brick road again, right as the go down the road and their backs are turned to the screen you can see somthing swing from the tree like someone just hung theirself, the thing kicks off the tree swings forth and then back to the tree and just hangs there, it is fast but not to fast to see, AS anyone else seen this?? Is the story true?? is someone hanging?? also it is said they did not delete the scene bacuse it would cost to much to rerecord the scene over again, that is why half the movie is w/b 2.

2006-11-13 01:53:12 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

2006-11-13 01:52:33 · 24 answers · asked by guys kicker 1

UNDERWEAR IS IMPORTANT!!

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under
your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview
couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to
see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw
a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man
was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into
glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully
stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked
everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across
the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly
by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

2006-11-13 01:49:29 · 15 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2006-11-13 01:48:34 · 22 answers · asked by Barbara Doll to you 7

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart *** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand. "

2006-11-13 01:48:06 · 12 answers · asked by NikoleUniQue 2

just thing positive okey?

2006-11-13 01:16:11 · 10 answers · asked by mr_gtkh 1

(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)
************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either, and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends
and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)
******************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He
shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
**************************************



************************************************
Marriage (Part VI) The Man of the House


The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the House." He
stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a
finger in her face, he said, "from now on, I want you to know that I am
the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a
gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a
sumptuous dessert. Then you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and
comb my hair?'

His wife replied, "the funeral director?"

2006-11-13 01:15:35 · 29 answers · asked by dididdleydihi 3

How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
Do pilots take crash-courses?
Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?

2006-11-13 01:07:45 · 10 answers · asked by Batman has left the building 3