Jokes & Riddles - November 2006

to ch
..u

2006-11-13 08:59:33 · 9 answers · asked by y 2

having a pint when the barmaid brings me a pint. She says that's from the bloke over there with the bald head and smoking a pipe, says he was in the same class as you at school. No way I said nobody in my class had a bald head and smoked a pipe !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-13 08:51:36 · 12 answers · asked by Shredder 6

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Owing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares," Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

The wife says, "Tell him to drop dead!"

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg

2006-11-13 08:47:51 · 15 answers · asked by Woody 3

Women

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

Men

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

2006-11-13 08:45:04 · 9 answers · asked by Woody 3

this is a joke question peeps. everyone who answers will however get a thumbs up just for playing along
PS I asked this stupid question after I wasted several hours on the phone with a Government help line only to be told I had to mail in my question or view their web site as this department was no longer funded to answer questions via phone...

2006-11-13 08:41:42 · 16 answers · asked by BigBadWolf 6

who ever gets it first get the best answer!!!!

2006-11-13 08:34:36 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

If an object kept falling half the length would it ever reach the floor? Ex. an object was 100 feet from the ground, then it fell halfway- 50,then 25,then 12.5,then 6.25, would it ever reach the ground?

2006-11-13 08:34:09 · 21 answers · asked by t_a_s_t_y 1

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY"
then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises.

My blonde co-worker asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker followed me, the boss said to her, "And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

2006-11-13 08:33:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

laid an egg and it rolled under next doors fence. The bloke next door said that's my egg now it's on my land. Like f**k it is I told him it was my hen that laid it. He says well what you going to do about it. I said lets have a bollock kicking contest ! Hows that work he says. Right I told him I kick you in the bollocks, then you kick me in the bollocks and the first one to give in gets the egg. OK your on he says ! I kicked him hard as buggery in the bollocks and said "right I give in you can keep the bloody egg" !!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-13 08:33:16 · 16 answers · asked by Shredder 6

This is a riddle given to my daughter at work. The winning department will get a pizza party. There will also be new riddles each day. Will post them here. Need answer by 11PM TIA

2006-11-13 08:32:23 · 5 answers · asked by sewfor54 1

were setting up thier equipment on stage when the conductor noticed that not everyone was there. so he asked one of the violinists "where's t'harpist" he replies "back at piano why whers ta pist"

2006-11-13 08:31:03 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

They have bought out a tampon only available for the christmas period

2006-11-13 08:23:00 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in sh*t up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads

2006-11-13 08:21:10 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

to ch
...u

2006-11-13 08:20:59 · 6 answers · asked by y 2

2006-11-13 08:18:43 · 7 answers · asked by y 2

This is hilarious. I can't stop laughing:

http://independentsources.com/2006/07/12/worst-company-urls/

2006-11-13 08:12:26 · 11 answers · asked by babe1973 2

Try this one:
There was a young lady from Pinge,
Whose husband came home from a binge,
She said, "You're a bas***d,
You're totally plastered,
There's no way you'll pleasure my m**ge"

2006-11-13 08:11:29 · 11 answers · asked by Roy S 3

2006-11-13 08:07:38 · 9 answers · asked by littlemomma 4

Impossible question

2006-11-13 08:07:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

is sick to the back teeth of her two young sons swearing
so when they come down for breakfast she asks ..now what would you like for breakfast johnny and he replies ..i wanna f...ing egg.so she snaps and slaps his face then bangs his head on the table burns his fingers on the hob and kicks him to the corner of the room..she then asks... and what would you like for breakfast timmy and he replies...well not a f...ing egg

2006-11-13 08:06:05 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man dressed all in black is walking down a country lane. Suddenly a large black car without any lights on comes round the corner and screeches to a halt.

How did the driver know there was a man in the road?

2006-11-13 08:03:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

2006-11-13 07:59:15 · 18 answers · asked by lilmisslouievuitton 2

Onomatopoeia

2006-11-13 07:56:17 · 8 answers · asked by Roy S 3

A little boys parents die so child services tries to send him to his aunt. The little boy says "No, no, she beats me" So they try to give him the the rest of the family but once again he says "No, no they beat me too!" So, dumbfounded, the child services asks the boy "Well, where do you want to go then?" the boy replies "How about Florida State University, because obviously they can't beat anybody"


:) I'm an FSU fan by the way

2006-11-13 07:50:49 · 2 answers · asked by Shorty 4

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day, because I had just come from a thrilling choir practice followed by a powerful prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus; because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus. Why, while I was sitting there, the nice man behind started honking like crazy, and he leaned out of his window and screamed, "for the love of God, GO! GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for the Lord. Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from..

2006-11-13 07:38:52 · 9 answers · asked by Shorty 4

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided

>to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her
>beautiful younger sister.
>
>My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and
>generally was bra-less. ?One day "little" sister called and asked me to come
>over to check the wedding invitations. ?She was alone when I arrived, and she
>whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once
before
I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I
was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word.
>
>She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild
>fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched

her go up the stairs.

When she reached the top she pulled off her
panties and threw them down the
stairs at me. I stood there for a moment,
then turned and made a beeline
straight to the front door.??I opened the
door, and headed straight towards my
car.

Lo and behold, my entire
future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his
eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very
happy that you
have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man
for our
daughter. Welcome to the family."
>
>And the moral of this story is:??
>?
>?
>?
>?Always keep your condoms in your car........

2006-11-13 07:24:54 · 10 answers · asked by chapped lips 5

now you have to use your imagination on this one.
a duck yes a DUCK takes his girlfriend out for a meal and disco then they book into a hotel for the night.they are both feeling horny and go to bed but just as he was about to do the deed she said''have you got a condom'' so he says''no i will phone room service'' so he phones room service and says'' this is mr duck in room 303 can you send me up a condom please''about 5 mins.go by and there is a knock on the door.mr duck opens the door to a waiter who was standing there with a silver tray and a condom on it he says''this is the condom you ordered sir,would you like me to put it on your bill sir'' and the duck says''fuxk off what do you think i am a fuxxxing pervert''

2006-11-13 07:12:17 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://www.fugly.com/flash/709/Scary_Maze_Game.html

its more like a joke to me thou BUT watch out

2006-11-13 07:01:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a Minister was returning home to have dinner with his family. When he got home he noticed his wife baking a Ham. He said "ooh that Ham smells great" his wife replied by saying "it's a Dam Ham" he told her that she should not use such language. His wife then showed him that the name brand of the ham on the package was called Dam, so he understood.

Later at dinner after saying grace the minister then asked his wife "would you pass me the dam ham" all of a sudden the minister's son turns to his father and says "that's the spirit dad, now pass the f*cking potates!"

2006-11-13 06:58:16 · 11 answers · asked by Jeremy 4

a blonde is out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo," she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then
shouts back,



"You ARE on the other side."






A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
motorway

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the patrolman cranked down his window, turned on his
bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"



"NO!", the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

2006-11-13 06:58:01 · 15 answers · asked by ploppy pants 3